A tough day. Because I’m depersonalized. Or struggling with that. The beginning of the day, I’m all blank and can’t focus. The more I try to force myself, the worse it gets. I get myself to the library after a few hours to try and work, but I get barely anything done. Come home and eat ice cream and chocolate. Oh yeah, then after a while a salad.
It’s like a blankness, and seeing white. And not feeling anything except at the edges of my experience, bad things might be happening, in the shadows where I can’t make out what they are.
I try lying down and I get stuck, lying there, doing nothing, not thinking, not sleeping.
Later I go for a walk and start to feel a bit. I get all weepy. OK, at least I’m alive.
I hate not feeling, and it’s difficult to explain why. It should be better than feeling bad, but it’s not. Well, it’s better than the worst feelings, that’s true. But I seem to need to struggle to get out of this – it’s like having fallen into a swamp where I will be sucked under if I don’t get out.
What set this off is a jog. I actually felt quite well after work yesterday, so decided to get some exercise. I know exercise makes me dissociate, but if I can get the intensity right, very light, I can get some good effects from the exercise and avoid the dissociation. Obviously, I didn’t get it right. I was not even breathing hard though. It’s very frustrating.
I hate this. The memories at the edge of my mind are disturbing also. I hate having PTSD and I hate having no one to call. Sometimes I just want to call someone to help me figure out how I’m feeling. I feel like if someone could listen to me while I try and figure it out, I could do it. I can’t do it on my own. There’s just no one who could do that for me though. I don’t want to mentally figure it out, I need to feel it.
I am so angry this keeps happening to me.