Am I a person

A tough day. Because I’m depersonalized. Or struggling with that. The beginning of the day, I’m all blank and can’t focus. The more I try to force myself, the worse it gets. I get myself to the library after a few hours to try and work, but I get barely anything done. Come home and eat ice cream and chocolate. Oh yeah, then after a while a salad.

It’s like a blankness, and seeing white. And not feeling anything except at the edges of my experience, bad things might be happening, in the shadows where I can’t make out what they are.

I try lying down and I get stuck, lying there, doing nothing, not thinking, not sleeping.

Later I go for a walk and start to feel a bit. I get all weepy. OK, at least I’m alive.

I hate not feeling, and it’s difficult to explain why. It should be better than feeling bad, but it’s not. Well, it’s better than the worst feelings, that’s true. But I seem to need to struggle to get out of this – it’s like having fallen into a swamp where I will be sucked under if I don’t get out.

What set this off is a jog. I actually felt quite well after work yesterday, so decided to get some exercise. I know exercise makes me dissociate, but if I can get the intensity right, very light, I can get some good effects from the exercise and avoid the dissociation. Obviously, I didn’t get it right. I was not even breathing hard though. It’s very frustrating.

I hate this. The memories at the edge of my mind are disturbing also. I hate having PTSD and I hate having no one to call. Sometimes I just want to call someone to help me figure out how I’m feeling. I feel like if someone could listen to me while I try and figure it out, I could do it. I can’t do it on my own. There’s just no one who could do that for me though. I don’t want to mentally figure it out, I need to feel it.

I am so angry this keeps happening to me.

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5 comments
  1. gniz said:

    Sorry to hear you are feeling this way Ellen. Maybe there is a way for you to get very precise with exercise to find a point where you can be fairly certain it won't cause you to dissociate. Maybe bring a timer with you and try to figure out a timeframe or pace for which you can walk a mile or a half mile without dissociating? It would probably take some work to figure out though…Feel better.Aaron

  2. It's so frustrating when you try so hard but results are dificult to identify.

  3. Ellen said:

    Thanks guys.@ gniz – Yes, that's kind of what I used to do before I gave up jogging. I know I can walk about 45 minutes and likely be OK. I like the feeling I get from jogging, but it's more difficult to calibrate. I do a run / walk, so it's really not a lot. But a timer….I could do that. I just feel this 'shouldn't' be happening, but of course it is. Thanks Aaron@ NWNMG – It is frustrating. thx

  4. Harriet said:

    I think running may make me dissociate also, but not in a bad way. I always start off vowing to stay mindful, and I enjoy seeing the birds, and the turtles, and feeling the foggy air and listening to the crunch of the leaves under my feet. But after a while I just get lost in my running and I realize that I'm not really in the moment, and yet really not thinking about anything else either. It feels kind of zen to me, whatever that means. Do you listen to music, or podcasts, or audio books when you run? Does that help?And by the way, you are a person. A person that I know I would like to spend time with if I ever met you. Do you happen to know what your Myers Briggs type is, I can't remember if I asked you.

  5. Ellen said:

    @ Harriet – It sounds like running is a good experience for you, mindful or not. I also like the feeling of it, just not the dissociation that happens afterwards. I do listen to music often. It doesn't help with this particular problem but it's fun.I bet we'd get along well… 🙂 No, I don't know my type… I think we took it at work once, but I can't remember the result. cheers

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