I am feeling like I might be crazy. Too much time alone probably. I’m finding my social life has gone down hill since I’ve switched therapy days to Fridays. The weekends are too difficult for a lot of socializing. Though most weekends I see one friend at least.
This past weekend was very very difficult. The dentist flashbacks, combined with the knife image / feeling from therapy – not a lot of fun there. Saturday I actually do not remember. I know I didn’t do any chores, not even laundry. I was afraid of the phone, so I didn’t even phone anyone. I’d gotten my fear of phoning somewhat under control, but it comes back full force when I’m stressed.
The only thing about Saturday I remember is watching two episodes of Will and Grace. It’s on in the morning, just when I eat breakfast. It’s one of the few sitcoms I like. I like the two supporting characters – they do a physical comedy that I find hilarious.
I didn’t watch TV after that. What on earth did I do?
Sunday I’d made plans with a friend to go on a history walk and then out for pie. Well, I canceled out on the history walk – I was sure I couldn’t absorb any information – but I did go for the pie. Which was excellent – home made, not too sweet, and you got a quarter of a pie for your six bucks. It was actually nice to chat about light topics with a friend and eat pie. Then we walked to the grocery store together and joked around a bit. It was good. I felt like more of a human again.
Sunday I sent off an email to Ron – he’d said I should if I was having more memories. I told him about the knife feeling, how gruesome it feels to me. And I told him if I complain about being dissociated again, he should just ignore me, because feeling this way is a whole lot worse.
Then I said I thought he’d given me weird looks when I mentioned the group, and why was that. And also, why didn’t he like it that I bought a book? What book did he think I should buy?
Ron replied in about five minutes. Quite a change from the 48 hours he took last time. It was nice. He said we’d work on it in therapy, and that he thought buying books was good, and he didn’t remember the looks but I should mention it as it happened next time.
And I started coming out of the strange and bad state I was in. First thing that happens – I suddenly start to hear things – little noises in the background, planes, cars. I guess I block all that out when I’m in ‘trauma time’.
The other thing that happens – this won’t make sense, but this is how it seems to me – I start to feel the edges of things again. Things start to have their own being again, and there is a sense that things are OK, at least a little bit, that the world exists and it’s ticking along and it means me no harm at all.
Monday, I was more normal again and could go to work OK.
I’ve now read most of the dissociation book. I think it is helping me. Ron was quite skeptical of it when I mentioned it to him, and the DDNOS that I think applies to what I’m experiencing. He’d never heard of that, and in any case doesn’t believe in labels.
Labels can be bad….but it’s difficult to find information without one. Anyhoo, we had the labels discussion.
The book recommends learning about the inner parts and finding a way for communication and inner co-operation. I hadn’t thought about it like this before. The fact is, my experience is pretty chaotic, because I have various experiences bursting in on me when I’m otherwise occupied. It’s very confusing and upsetting. So I’ll be at work, and out of the blue I’ll suddenly feel such a deep despair that I feel I have to find a place to lie down till it passes. For instance. Or I’ll suddenly be arguing the way a child might.
So according to the book, this may be parts, dissociated parts, that are popping up. So the idea is to get the parts to co-operate, to not come out if I’m at work. Usually I don’t try any dialogue until things are going really wrong. But the last few days, I have a ‘virtual meeting’ as I’m walking to work, and I check in with each part, and see if it could play, or sleep for the teenager, while I’m at work. I promise to chat on breaks and after work.
Things have been calmer and I’m staying more adult I think. If I can get my life more under control, that would be really really good. Dialoguing with the parts may be the way to go. They also want things to go well – they just don’t know how to have that happen.
It’s a bit of a fine line between asking for co-operation, which is basically keep yourselves to yourselves until I get home again, and ruthless suppression, which is what I used to try to do. But I am trying to stay on the right side of that line.
The way I experience these parts, is that they are very ‘leaky’ – their experiences tend to leak into mine quite a bit. If I had full blown DID, I might have a part that went off and handled work for me, and it might work much more seamlessly than things work for me. Sometimes that seems preferable to me. But I know that is more severe dissociation – it’s effective, but there’s a high price to be paid. But man, being able to send a functional part to work, instead of my own semi-functional self, seems very attractive.