Work

I am having a lot of trouble concentrating on work. I have the option of working from home several days a week, which is wonderful, but at home my tendency to avoid working is astronomical. I still take days at home though, because otherwise I get exhausted from my sleep issues. Working from home, I can sleep longer if I need to, if I’ve been awake a lot at night.

Further complicating things is that there are no real consequences for goofing off. I have more time than I need to complete the work. It is not difficult. Or it is difficult, but in smallish bursts. Overall, it is not difficult. I’d say in a way I am underachieving. For my level of skills and abilities, I get these jobs that don’t require them. Maybe because I don’t present that well at interviews. And also, I don’t have high levels of qualifications. I’m not qualified as a professional at any rate. I do have university and some specialized training.

It’s now after lunch, and I have yet to start any work, despite booting up my laptop and opening the  required documents. This morning I went for a walk, to encourage the parts that like to be outside. Then I actually lay down, as I felt so sleepy. But no, I wasn’t tired – sleepiness is my way of avoiding feelings. Which I don’t have time to feel in any case because I need to be working.

It was a lovely walk – fall colours, sunshine, mild. Nice to get out and about in the morning. I took a few pictures.

Now I’ve taken a medication that blocks out my internal experience to some extent. I’ll haul myself and my laptop to the library, and hopefully with other people around, my coping self will kick in and do a few hours editing. Please God.

Oh and the other thing I’ve started to do, as recommended by the dissociation book, is to talk to the parts before work. A kind of pseudo meeting. I tell everyone that we need to work, and ask if they can play or sleep while I work, so I can concentrate. That I will talk to them at breaks and after work. This worked quite well yesterday, when I went in to work. I had a fairly calm day without a lot of intrusion. Today not so much. Something about working from home, the inner kids feel they don’t have to behave maybe. I don’t know.

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2 comments
  1. Harriet said:

    I find that the more I have to do, the more I get done. If a day stretches in front of me with no work, no plans, etc, I could end up in my pj's all day. I also feel like I am an underachiever in my work life, never really amounting to anything, and it's too late now. Do you think you'll stick with this job for a while?

  2. Ellen said:

    I'm sorry you feel like that about your work Harriet. I do kind of feel like that also. I also prefer to be busy at work. This is a contract, so I'll stay until it ends, most likely March of next year.Thanks for commenting!

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