I had to go to the dentist this afternoon. Just a cleaning and exam. Now I feel really crappy. People putting things in my mouth is a trigger – I know I always feel this way after the dentist. I took a pill to get through it, and also to modify the choking. I still choked a few times and had to rest, but it wasn’t bad.
The hygenist was very nice. At first I didn’t like her because she kind of giggled and stuff, but then I realized she’s just trying to be nice and she did a good job and she was nice and she was gentle also. And the dentist I’ve known for a long time.
So it was OK from the point of view of what actually happened. Of course after, once the lovely xanax has worn off, I get flashbacky. I’d arranged to call Ron afterwards, so I did that. As soon as I called him, the kid took over and I started crying. Kind of hard to have a conversation when you’re sobbing. Ron was his professional soothing self. Saying I seemed to be ‘in a very young place’. Well, no kidding. Of course the kid is going to be talking in this situation. That’s who the trauma happened to. Sometimes Ron just seems out of it to me.
I know I sound ungrateful. I am ungrateful. I am also grateful. Sometimes it’s good to cry, and I wouldn’t have cried if I hadn’t called Ron. I would just have felt horrible with flashbacks. Now I feel horrible with crying and flashbacks.
I just stayed on the phone five minutes then I hung up. Too much of a strain trying to talk while I can’t stop crying. I could have taken fifteen, I think that’s his limit for pre-arranged calls. Anyway. Someone in the world at least knows I’m going through something bad.