I’m pretty sad. Work is hard. Work is easy, but fitting in is hard. I sent Ron an email and he never replied. I sit at work and am hit with the worst sorrow. I’m stunned by it and just sit staring at my screen.
That last therapy session really was bad for me. I can’t explain why, but it made me feel bad in a way I don’t think was helpful. I keep thinking of quitting therapy, or at least skipping a few sessions. That would be a huge loss for me, so it’s not a happy thought. I just have this urge to leave.
Ron not replying to emails is hard for me. As long as I requested a response, he has always responded in the past. He did reply to my email after my last session, after 24 hours, but very coldly and briefly. Usually he would say something like he was glad I was letting myself write, or that he was sorry I felt bad, or that we’d discuss next session. Nothing like that last time. And no reply to my email of yesterday. I keep checking my email hoping he will have replied.
I spent Thanksgiving with my family. I went early to help with the cooking, and peeled a lot of potatoes. It was OK I suppose, in that nothing overtly bad happened. It was somewhat surreal of course. I’d just spent some of the morning writing out my therapy session, where I had talked about parts, trauma, dissociation, and suicidal thoughts. Then off to see my family, to whom I have never said the slightest bit about my state of mind. I don’t think trying to talk to them would help me. They would not be receptive.
They’ve always made it fairly clear that my job was not good enough for them. And I don’t have a boyfriend or partner, so I’m the odd person out. It’s almost laughable, what they think is important. My job isn’t high status? Well I’m worried about a few other things, like being split into parts for instance, like having constant memories of abuse that happened before I was five years old. I have a few other things on my mind other than that I never became a neuro-surgeon. I don’t have a husband? Hey, I don’t have a young kid being raped by a relative either.
OK, I’m angry. I think about not going to my family’s events on holidays. It would really hurt them, and I would be lonely. But I could do it. Maybe I’d be living with more integrity then.