Just survive

I’m pretty sad. Work is hard. Work is easy, but fitting in is hard. I sent Ron an email and he never replied. I sit at work and am hit with the worst sorrow. I’m stunned by it and just sit staring at my screen.

That last therapy session really was bad for me. I can’t explain why, but it made me feel bad in a way I don’t think was helpful. I keep thinking of quitting therapy, or at least skipping a few sessions. That would be a huge loss for me, so it’s not a  happy thought. I just have this urge to leave.

Ron not replying to emails is hard for me. As long as I requested a response, he has always responded in the past. He did reply to my email after my last session, after 24 hours, but very coldly and briefly. Usually he would say something like he was glad I was letting myself write, or that he was sorry I felt bad, or that we’d discuss next session. Nothing like that last time. And no reply to my email of yesterday. I keep checking my email hoping he will have replied.

I spent Thanksgiving with my family. I went early to help with the cooking, and peeled a lot of potatoes. It was OK I suppose, in that nothing overtly bad happened. It was somewhat surreal of course. I’d just spent some of the morning writing out my therapy session, where I had talked about parts, trauma, dissociation, and suicidal thoughts. Then off to see my family, to whom I have never said the slightest bit about my state of mind. I don’t think trying to talk to them would help me. They would not be receptive.

They’ve always made it fairly clear that my job was not good enough for them. And I don’t have a boyfriend or partner, so I’m the odd person out. It’s almost laughable, what they think is important. My job isn’t high status? Well I’m worried about a few other things, like being split into parts for instance, like having constant memories of abuse that happened before I was five years old. I have a few other things on my mind other than that I never became a neuro-surgeon. I don’t have a husband? Hey, I don’t have a young kid being raped by a relative either.

OK, I’m angry. I think about not going to my family’s events on holidays. It would really hurt them, and I would be lonely. But I could do it. Maybe I’d be living with more integrity then.

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6 comments
  1. louisey said:

    Hard decisions, aren't they? I distanced and stayed away from my family for a number of years and it helped defuse the more intolerable feelings but didn't resolve anything. When I saw siblings again, there was some connectivity but ultimately so much still remains unsaid.

  2. Harriet said:

    I'm sorry your Thanksgiving wasn't very happy. I think expectations for family holidays are so high due to all of the wonderful pictures and movies we see. But it's usually not like that, well, not in my family anyway. I've taken to avoiding holidays with them, and going to visit my aunt in Florida. I feel sad that we all aren't happy together, but also resigned to it.

  3. gniz said:

    I feel upset and angry on your behalf, Ellen. It's wrong, plain and simple, how your family treats you–especially when you were a child.And I don't like Ron's flakiness either.That relationship seems to have natural ups and downs with Ron sometimes bringing his A game and sometimes not so much. I wish he were able to be a more consistent presence for you.I am thinking of you and knowing that you will come out of this stronger than ever.Aaron

  4. inamaze said:

    I have always found holidays with family tough as well. It's a complex situation for many reasons it seems. I'm sorry therapy has been so tough these days for you. Another complex situation for sure. For me when I was seeing my t, I sent a total of three emails. Even though she encouraged it I quickly learned it spiraled into awfulness depending on the reply or no reply. For me I couldn't handle it very well and so didn't email even though it probably would have been great fodder for discussion. Do you think you will be able to talk to Ron about this? I'm thinking of you.

  5. Ellen said:

    @ louisey – It is so hard to know what is best to do with difficult families. Thanks for sharing a bit of your story with me. It's a good way of putting it – avoidance diffuses the feelings, but they're still kind of present anyway….@ Harriet – I don't actually have high expectations – I just want to survive basically. I don't take the movies as applying to me. Going to Florida seems like a good plan!@ gniz – Thanks Aaron. I do have ups and downs with Ron for sure. Some of it is me, and some of it is him. He can be absolutely fantastic, and then other times, not so much. He did return my email the next day, so it was basically two days I didn't get a reply. Turned out he was busy with a guest. He did reply in a nice way though. Thanks for the encouragement.@ JRB – thanks and hugs to you JBR@ maze – So we are the same with holidays and emails to Ts….It can be torture with the emails. But sometimes sending them helps me so much. But I never know if this one will not be replied to very soon, how anxious I will feel. Sometimes I also think it's not worth the pain. Thanks, take care

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