I guess I was clinging to Ron, or the idea of Ron, to make myself feel better. It seemed like he liked me, and it made me feel safe. I didn’t think he was going to date me, or marry me. I just felt like we had a really nice connection, one that doesn’t happen too often. If things got difficult, I’d think of him and it was comforting somehow.
I seem to have stopped feeling that. Maybe it’s to do with going to his group, and seeing for sure that he has other clients that he cares about at least as much as me. And who probably don’t express all kinds of anger and wonky feelings. And who are not difficult as I can be. And who are all more attractive than I am. All are younger, except for possibly one man who may be my age.
I know rationally that being good looking is not the be all and end all of being liked. But I’m pretty sure it helps a lot.
I kind of wonder what is wrong with me that I can’t keep a steady picture of my therapist as caring about me. I seem to go up and down an awful lot with this. I remember my last boyfriend, who BTW had major personal issues, but still, he said a few times that my moods change very fast. And with him also, I couldn’t keep in mind steadily that he cared for me. Of course in his case, he was seeing another woman on the side, so I was right that he wasn’t committed. But still, I remember the feeling of not trusting him to care, and being hugely upset about that, in a way that seemed overblown, and that varied a lot from day to day and even from hour to hour. I’d phone him sometimes and be re-assured, and then a few hours later, or the next day, I’d be back to distrusting him. The pain of that distrust was so tremendous.
With Ron, it seemed he was a kind of magical person. If memories hit, or anxieties, or depression that was bad, I could write to him about it and feel better just from telling him. As long as he replied to my email in some way, I would feel better. Magic.
I don’t feel like that anymore and it’s a big loss. It’s a sad feeling. I wish I had him back. My idea of him. That warm and cozy feeling.
I guess I’ll see where the therapy goes now that he’s not magic anymore.