Lost magic

I guess I was clinging to Ron, or the idea of Ron, to make myself feel better. It seemed like he liked me, and it made me feel safe. I didn’t think he was going to date me, or marry me. I just felt like we had a really nice connection, one that doesn’t happen too often. If things got difficult, I’d think of him and it was comforting somehow.

I seem to have stopped feeling that. Maybe it’s to do with going to his group, and seeing for sure that he has other clients that he cares about at least as much as me. And who probably don’t express all kinds of anger and wonky feelings. And who are not difficult as I can be. And who are all more attractive than I am. All are younger, except for possibly one man who may be my age.

I know rationally that being good looking is not the be all and end all of being liked. But I’m pretty sure it helps a lot.

I kind of wonder what is wrong with me that I can’t keep a steady picture of my therapist as caring about me. I seem to go up and down an awful lot with this. I remember my last boyfriend, who BTW had major personal issues, but still, he said a few times that my moods change very fast. And with him also, I couldn’t keep in mind steadily that he cared for me. Of course in his case, he was seeing another woman on the side, so I was right that he wasn’t committed. But still, I remember the feeling of not trusting him to care, and being hugely upset about that, in a way that seemed overblown, and that varied a lot from day to day and even from hour to hour.  I’d phone him sometimes and be re-assured, and then a few hours later, or the next day, I’d be back to distrusting him. The pain of that distrust was so tremendous.

With Ron, it seemed he was a kind of magical person. If memories hit, or anxieties, or depression that was bad, I could write to him about it and feel better just from telling him. As long as he replied to my email in some way, I would feel better. Magic.

I don’t feel like that anymore and it’s a big loss. It’s a sad feeling. I wish I had him back. My idea of him. That warm and cozy feeling.

I guess I’ll see where the therapy goes now that he’s not magic anymore.

  1. Paula said:

    For me it was the cross road in my therapy. learning to see the real person, learning to trust the real person and NOT the image of it I have had in my mind! Not what I want to see, but what I truly see right in front of me!Steadyness and trust are big issues for us. being so in-stable inside doesnt makes for stable outside relation. In my humble opinion, you are right on track. Its not magic lost, but a false image. You go girl. I am incredible impressed how you open and how you proceed with him. Big warm hug.

  2. Harriet said:

    I have heard of group therapy bringing up these feelings in other people, which is part of the reason I don't want to do it if I was ever invited. But think of the Duggar family – they have 19 children. The parents love all of them, none more than another. There is enough love to be spread out. I think that must be the case for our therapists, they have empathy and caring for all of us. It doesn't make me want to meet any of them though!I idealize my t – even though I know he has done some things which aren't good. But to me he is perfect, and I could never attain his level of perfection. Maybe magic is a good way to describe it.You sound sad in this post Ellen. Do you think this is something you could talk about with Ron?

  3. Paula above speaks words of wisdom. It is true. Our t. are just as human as we are. They have flaws and wrinkles. Still, I respect mine, because she has gone before me and experienced what I am going through and certainly can and does help. Blessings to you Ellen.

  4. gniz said:

    Hey Ellen. It is nice to idealize another person and feel comforted by that. I look up to and admire, feel comforted by my Guru. It helps that I don't see much of him but over the years I've heard things that made me stop in my tracks and go, "damn, he's just a regular dude after all. Not perfect, not so special."I think it can be helpful to have a person that we feel comforted by, but ultimately it is the deepest part of myself that I am taking refuge in. Because the image I have of this person and the feelings are all coming from within me. It's when I started to accept that this person represented something I could give to myself that I started to be able heal myself and rely more on myself, if that makes sense.Whatever Ron gives to you, ultimately in a way it also comes from you. I know this sounds weird and maybe hokey, but I think it's very true. Yes, Ron has helped you, he's facilitated some healing, but you would have done it with or without him because you're ready to heal.If Ron died tomorrow (god forbid), you would find another therapist to help your healing journey continue. Because that's the work you're ready to do. And if you couldn't find a therapist, you'd do it yourself. It really is true, and I think as things go on you will rely more and more on yourself and see that you are the one bringing so much to the table here.It's painful to lose the magic, but reality is always preferable to fantasy when you get right down to it.Still reading and listening as always.Aaron

  5. gniz said:

    But lest I sound too dismissive of the relationship, I will also say that what you have with Ron is special and important. I fully believe that Ron cares very much about your well being and that the two of you are making a very good team, and that nothing can take away from the work you've done together.It's funny but somehow the two things can exist simultaneously. The relationship is priceless and yet also somehow, at the end of the day, it is up to you to make the work happen. I can't explain it but that does seem to be how it goes with this stuff…

  6. inamaze said:

    I still haven't figured out the therapeutic relationship except that there are many facets to it. I remember when I realized that my t was human after all and that she had other clients who she cared about as much as she cared about me. After the disappointment of knowing this I decided it was probably a good thing. I think you do have a good connection with Ron. You have been doing work work with me. Hopefully you will be able to work these feelings out with him. Thinking of you…

  7. Ellen said:

    @ Paula – Those are such great points. Your comment came just when I needed to hear it, thank you! It's interesting how we had the same issue, and I'm glad you think I'm being open and doing the right things…take care

  8. Ellen said:

    @ Harriet – I am sad. It's funny, because you don't seem to idealize J on your blog Harriet – you seem quite critical of him. I mentioned in passing that I didn't feel as connected to Ron as I used to, and he said something in me had changed. But it wasn't a big discussion or anything. I don't know if I want to discuss this to be honest. I'll see. take care@ JBR – I respect Ron also. blessings to you!@ gniz – That's really a deep comment and so interesting. I think I do have something good with Ron. He's a nice person. I didn't actually idealize him as being perfect – it was more a sense of connection. That's a really good point about the healing coming from inside of myself. I think too the way I am, any relationship that's important to me will have a lot of ups and downs. Thanks for sharing your story and wisdom Aaron. take care

  9. Ellen said:

    @ maze – It is definitely a complex relationship and difficult to figure out. Yes, that awful moment when you realize the T is human after all. 🙂 Take care. Good luck with group therapy. @ catherine – thanks. 🙂

  10. gniz said:

    Hey Ellen,I think connection is something that can also come and go, and it's natural to feel that ebb and flow with every relationship. It's healthy to go through periods of dwindling and then rejuvenation and being patient with that but also making sure to work on it or realize when a relationship or connection has truly failed at some level. Sometimes it means that it's time to move on, but many times things just come back around again and the relationship or connection thrives once more.

  11. Ellen said:

    Hi Aaron, That's a good thing to keep in mind, thanks. With therapy everything is so tumultuous, it's probably normal for a connection to be stronger and then weaker again. thanks

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