Feeling pretty rough. It’s better to go out, so I do. Out and about I feel bad in a different way. It’s as if my skin is hurting me, and things are boiling inside. That’s the best I can describe it, not being good with feelings. Also I am tending to cry today. I am also getting some things done though, so I’m not immobilized, which is at least good. Not sure if I can work though if I keep feeling like this.
Yesterday I actually felt better. I felt quite calm, but as if my system had had a shock and I was getting used to it. Like hearing bad news, and not being able to take it in entirely, but knowing it’s going to hit. A friend asked me to go with her to a Lebanese film, part of a festival she attends every year, so I went. I had to cancel my pre-arranged call to Ron, but I figured it would be nicer to have a companion for a few hours than fifteen minutes with Ron on the phone. I wasn’t feeling that bad.
The film turned out to be about war-induced PTSD! My friend doesn’t know about my issues except in vague terms (difficult childhood). The movie was very good actually. It showed a young woman in Lebanon during a civil war they had there in the 80s…at the start she is about to be married, then she is traumatized by seeing various shocking events, and she ends up mute in a hospital as a mental patient. The film kind of ends there, though right at the end, she seems to be remembering something and starts crying, and a sympathetic nurse moves to sit with her. You get the feeling that maybe she is coming back to life, with the crying. It’s not clear though, because right there, the nurse closes the door and we are left outside, wondering. And the movie ends there.
It was interesting to go to see a movie completely by accident that is somewhat mirroring my experience. I’m obviously not mute and not in an institution….But that film really illustrated the way this woman was taking everything in, and was not allowed to express those things she saw to anyone, and how she ends up ‘going away’ by becoming mute and no longer recognizing anyone.
Today I went out to do some shopping and various small errands. It’s good to be part of normal life. Even if I feel I look odd at the moment – I feel as if my face is swollen and stiff, and that people can tell there is something wrong with me.
I don’t precisely know what it was that I was remembering in my session on Friday. I can’t say for sure – oh this and that happened, this person attacked me and hurt me, because it doesn’t come back as pictures. I’m pretty sure what it was though to be honest, just from the sensations. A kind of rape.
I don’t understand how this could have happened to me with no one helping me when I was so tiny. I do not understand it. My family is a normal middle class family, not chaotic. How could this have been covered up so completely? As such a small child, I would have told my parents what happened…it’s like a reflex when you’re four. Unless I forgot it immediately. I don’t get it.