I’m back from group therapy. This time I took half a xanax to get my fear level down to manageable proportions, and it was better. I didn’t keep walking around like a crazy person, and only left the room one time. I think I’m OK now too – I’m sad, but I’m not frantically anxious.
Mostly I feel lonely. I asked a few tiny questions, but didn’t talk in the group, and my mouth feels full of unsaid words. I know I won’t feel connected to anyone unless I start talking – listening isn’t enough for me. But I’ve been too afraid. This time though, I had less fear, so from where I sit, next time I should be able to talk. It’s difficult though to break in – there seems to be a focus on one person. It’s difficult to just start talking about yourself, even if that’s what you need to do.
This time the focus was mainly on a guy who came for the first time tonight. He had a much more cerebral problem than the suicidal girl. It was easier to hear about for sure. He said he makes mean types of jokes about people, and then ends up lonely with no friends. Yup, that would be a problem.
I’d sent Ron an email complaining about having to go to the group, from the different parts. It was kind of negative, and I hope he didn’t think it was my opinion. But getting that off my chest helped me to go and be there actually.
I wonder if the feelings I have while sitting in that group – the fear, the need to leave, then today the loneliness and also sadness….I wonder if they echo the feelings I have when I’m trying to be with my family. It was good today though that I got through the fear, with a little chemical assistance, and got to sadness and loneliness. Still not a lot of fun, but they make more sense. I’m maybe sad and lonely because no one is my friend, no one connects with me. And Ron also, whom I depend on to like me, does not talk to me. It is kind of sad. The need to have my feelings make some kind of sense is so strong.
One thing did happen that reminds me of my family. The guy whom the group was focusing on was a little intellectual – the type that analyzes quite a bit, is ironic etc. Well, that’s the type of person my siblings admire. I’m used to that type of person, so I felt comfortable asking some questions and saying a few things to him. And then, I spoke in kind of a childish way for a moment. And he gave me that look – yeah, this woman is stupid, I’ll pretend I don’t see her. That is such a familiar moment for me. That moment of dismissal – oh yeah, you’re one of the stupid people. Painful and familiar.
Well, I’m going to continue group therapy. Next time I hope to be able to talk. I wouldn’t want the focus to be on me the entire night, but I want to say something. Something real and of concern to me. Something I really feel, that I can’t say in my ordinary life. That’s what I want to do.