Embodied

I have to get in a quick post because I, Ellen, at this moment in time, do feel like I’m making progress. Doesn’t happen every day that I feel like this I tell ya. And it’s raining and everything. Well.

I think I’m making progress at pulling myself together at work. For this one day at least I think I did it. I’ve not really described it, but I’m having anger issues, getting angry at people and letting them know about it also. And in general, not being able to calmly communicate things that I want to say. Sometimes it is all about the tone of voice, the way you look, and how something is said, and I just wasn’t doing well at all.

With my struggles with dissociation last week, I’m super concious of whether I’m in my body or starting to space out, because I aim to stay right here, present and accounted for, in this body. It’s not easy. But I’m paying attention at work, and it turns out, in meetings I am dissociating. That’s what I’m doing. It’s not as severe as what happened to me in group therapy, but it’s a problem.

I think it’s like anxiety, and anxiety is definitely a trigger for this to happen. Meetings make me anxious. I want desperately to make a point, but I’m too anxious to pick a good moment and fit in with the flow. Then I get mad, I get paranoid, all kinds of crazy thoughts start whirling around…It’s not a pretty picture.

Today I stayed in my body. There was only one meeting, so it was not as stressful as three of them. It directly concerned my work too. So the meeting was heading in a really useless direction, but, because I waited for a while and let it flow along, and then calmly asked if I could say something, at which point my client said absolutely, please, and everyone paid attention to what I said, and I turned the meeting around to something much more productive. I got stuff done there that I wanted done, me, and I did it without getting mad or being awkward.

There’s a lot to be said for staying in your body. I hope I can keep doing it.

Ron has offered to talk to me on the phone before the next group, and somehow that offer helped me a lot. Just to think that someone wants to help me, and takes this problem seriously, it means a lot to me. I really am grateful for the concern.

The group might really be helpful to me afterall, if I can manage it. It would be like a practice arena, where I can mess up but then try and figure out what went wrong. I have perennial problems with relationships of all kinds – working in a group might be a really good thing for me.

I feel all warm and cozy at the moment. Bye for now.

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8 comments
  1. gniz said:

    Remember this feeling Ellen. Remember all of this. You deserve a moment of celebration, and soon–much sooner than you think–you will have the rest of your life to keep celebrating.Take care,Aaron

  2. Ellen seems you are getting more aware. I know anxiety heighten a lot of my emotions. Some times to the point I do not think clearly. Blessings.

  3. Ellen said:

    @ gniz – thank you 🙂 I think it's a good sign and things may get a lot better as you say. I did feel I had to rush and get down the positive feeling before it left. It's not all dark. @ JBR – I really am getting more aware, that's a great point. I find with anxiety, I can have a blank or confused mind often. blessings to you also

  4. Harriet said:

    So glad you are feeling well today (well, yesterday) and that you were able to speak up calmly in the meeting. Do you take any meds for anxiety? I don't mean to pry, just curious.

  5. Paula said:

    So wonderful. It is such an incredible moment which I still treasure very much. It happened and it will happen again. You can be so proud of yourself. Just could all cuddle you. Big warm virtual hug up North!

  6. Ellen said:

    @ Harriet – thanks, it was huge for me actually. I do take a mild anti-anxiety, though it only lasts about two hours, and am thinking of getting something stronger. Doctors are reluctant to prescribe I find – they always want to prescribe anti depressants, which do me no good whatsoever. cheers@ Paula – So kind, thank you. I do believe I felt the warmth of the virtual hug. take care

  7. Praying that "you" Ellen are still doing as well as can be.

  8. Ellen said:

    🙂 I appreciate that JBR.

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