I have to get in a quick post because I, Ellen, at this moment in time, do feel like I’m making progress. Doesn’t happen every day that I feel like this I tell ya. And it’s raining and everything. Well.
I think I’m making progress at pulling myself together at work. For this one day at least I think I did it. I’ve not really described it, but I’m having anger issues, getting angry at people and letting them know about it also. And in general, not being able to calmly communicate things that I want to say. Sometimes it is all about the tone of voice, the way you look, and how something is said, and I just wasn’t doing well at all.
With my struggles with dissociation last week, I’m super concious of whether I’m in my body or starting to space out, because I aim to stay right here, present and accounted for, in this body. It’s not easy. But I’m paying attention at work, and it turns out, in meetings I am dissociating. That’s what I’m doing. It’s not as severe as what happened to me in group therapy, but it’s a problem.
I think it’s like anxiety, and anxiety is definitely a trigger for this to happen. Meetings make me anxious. I want desperately to make a point, but I’m too anxious to pick a good moment and fit in with the flow. Then I get mad, I get paranoid, all kinds of crazy thoughts start whirling around…It’s not a pretty picture.
Today I stayed in my body. There was only one meeting, so it was not as stressful as three of them. It directly concerned my work too. So the meeting was heading in a really useless direction, but, because I waited for a while and let it flow along, and then calmly asked if I could say something, at which point my client said absolutely, please, and everyone paid attention to what I said, and I turned the meeting around to something much more productive. I got stuff done there that I wanted done, me, and I did it without getting mad or being awkward.
There’s a lot to be said for staying in your body. I hope I can keep doing it.
Ron has offered to talk to me on the phone before the next group, and somehow that offer helped me a lot. Just to think that someone wants to help me, and takes this problem seriously, it means a lot to me. I really am grateful for the concern.
The group might really be helpful to me afterall, if I can manage it. It would be like a practice arena, where I can mess up but then try and figure out what went wrong. I have perennial problems with relationships of all kinds – working in a group might be a really good thing for me.
I feel all warm and cozy at the moment. Bye for now.