I really feel bad. Going to try and write it out.
I started group therapy last night, and today had therapy. Bad experiences. Though I was doing OK with the group one until I went to therapy today. Now I just lie in bed and think of death basically.
I’ve never been to group therapy, just support groups and 12-step. So what happens with this group therapy is everyone sits in silence until one person talks. There were five of us, with two more to come next week apparently. I’d had a long day and was feeling horribly fragmented and anxious. All I could think about really was wanting to leave. Or at least go to the washroom for a long time. But I stayed.
A few people said things. I explained about my day and immediately felt a bit better. Then one woman who talked a lot said she felt I thought she was talking too much. Which was kind of true. So I said some things….It was OK though really. One young man was trying to play therapist, copying Ron to some extent. I fobbed him off with a jokey kind of remark…..we’ve just met 10 minutes ago, sorry, I’m not going to explore my pain with you, thank you very much.
Today I went for therapy and Ron was in what I think of as analytical mode. He wants to analyze and discuss very rationally. So I kind of do that. He wants to discuss the group – fine. I say a bit about that. Then my problems at work. Then I go totally into adult mode and explain my work situation so at least he knows the background. Then I ask him if he believes these parts that talk to him are real.
He says a bunch of stuff about the unconcious and things like that. And the point about everyone having parts of them that they deny, and that it’s a spectrum, and that for me, they are more seperate than most.
While discussing how I get angry at work, I start feeling that familiar choking humiliating angry feeling. I feel like something is in my mouth and I’m being held down.
Then Ron says I’m doing this to myself. I was held down and humiliated, literally or metaphorically, in the past, and now I do that to myself.
E. No I don’t. I do not do that to myself!
Ron says something about the part that is angry and saying No needs to be strengthened. Or something.
Then I start telling him that he doesn’t understand what it’s like to experience things the way I do. That I can have several contradictory points of view or wishes at once.
Then he says something or other, and I tell him he’s being stupid. (!)
R. How am I being stupid. What am I not understanding that you need me to understand.
E. Of course you’re going to ask that, and then I have my usual difficulty explaining things to you.
R. Then this is the work.
E. Whatever. So you don’t believe in the parts.
R. That’s not what I said. That’s the opposite of what I said.
E. You said you don’t believe in them. But speaking from those voices is the only thing that’s helping me. This analysis cr…stuff doesn’t help me.
R. Then that’s what you need to do. I thought at one point you said you were angry with me, that the ten year old part was, we should have explored that. But you didn’t wish to do that.
That’s the end of the session. I can see Ron is angry – he kind of clenches his jaw and turn more pale than usual. We’re both angry then. At least I’m having an effect.
We also talked somewhere in there about how I get angry with him, but still need him to like me, and how it’s difficult. Good point it seems to me.
I hate it when Ron is in analytical mode. He can be a really good therapist many times, but he gets sidetracked with this analysis stuff. I want him to be empathetic and to believe that what I tell him is the truth. Not believing in the parts hurts a lot. The kid part is really hurt by this, and did not talk at all. How can he not believe in me? Lament.
And when he tells me this choking stuff is metaphorical, I always hate that. It feels real to me alright. Not like a metaphor for oppression.
So now I can neither work nor feel much of anything. I want this day to be over.