Therapy today kind of sucked. Which is par for the course I find – one good week, one bad.
I had to phone into a meeting at work before the session, so there was no time to try and calm the fear I always have. Last week I did some meditation with the fear, and I think it really helped me to have a better session. Was not able to do that this week. Plus there was traffic, so got there in the nick of time.
Ron calls me in a tiny bit late and apologizes. Today he is wearing an actual suit with leather shoes. Very unusual for him for a Friday in the summer. I comment on it, something about I thought it was casual Fridays, and he says, no, there’s no special days for casual. I drop it. But I suspect there’s something going on with him, and I know it’s none of my business. He seemed also quite remote this time….my imagination can run wild with possibilities of what may be going on with him that takes a lot of his attention and necessitates a suit! Anyhoo…..
I tell Ron I felt well after the last session, and we tried to determine what it was that worked so well for me. Well, we didn’t talk about my past, so I wasn’t triggered….
Then I talk about how things went downhill for me middle of the week. I fragmented a bit at work, talking from a kid place instead of staying adult, which is a problem I generally have with work that drives me crazy. I start to feel attacked or overwhelmed or something. I hadn’t had much sleep, so that always adds to the tendency to go into younger parts.
Ron wanted to know specifics, and I had trouble explaining. Then I felt he completely did not understand. Then I felt all this anger with him for not understanding, when he’s a therapist after all and should be able to get things I tell him. So then I gave up trying to explain and sulked.
R. So you want me to understand something and it’s important, and I’m not understanding?
E. I don’t know if it’s important for you to understand. You’re not understanding for sure.
Here’s the problem, I think. I was right back in that confused angry place that I land in at work, when things don’t go that well. In fact, Ron has not really experienced me as a capable adult very often in his office. So he doesn’t see the difference. I’m always kind of a mess in his office. I don’t say any of this because I thought of it after, not at the time.
E. So I’m feeling all this fear about being here.
R. Fear about the meetings at work?
E. It’s not about work. (very impatient – I’m in that pissed off and confused place that I hate to be in, and that everyone around me suffers for when I’m in it.)
Then I explain about the kind of internal pressure I feel, about various parts talking and not leaving me in peace. We talk about that for a bit.
I feel very stressed out about the session, and I’m struggling with how to make it OK. Or how to feel something besides all this stress….Ron didn’t do anything bad, nothing untherapeutic. He spoke in a soft gentle voice. He let me sit with feelings. I just didn’t feel we connected very well – he was all remote. I’m thinking I need to pay attention to how I feel about him during the session. Because he’s very good at responding, if I say something like you seem pre-occupied, or if I tell him I’m angry with him. But if I ignore it, which is my first and usually last impulse, things don’t go well it seems.
To give myself credit, this is difficult to do when I’m feeling all this fear, and also when I want to do therapy, as in discuss my problems. But I need to do it.
To be continued…