I was doing really well this weekend, for a change. The aftermath of therapy this time was a kind of happiness. Not exactly happy, but clear headed and able to do things. I was trying to determine what it was that Ron did or that I did that caused this feeling.
For one thing, we did not discuss my past, so I didn’t have a bunch of feelings brought up around the past. I wonder if it was that I could be angry, and it was OK? Or that I spoke from the point of view of the different parts, and that was also OK? I don’t really know what it was that helped me. The parts situation is still freaking me out, but it also is a relief to just go with it…and it makes sense of some parts of my life that never made sense before.
I find I feel incredibly close to this therapist, and it scares the shit out of me, pardon my French. It really does. I have not felt this before, and it is one scary feeling. No one has ever cared to know what I am like before. Yes I’ve had friends, but I put up a front with friends, as they do with me. I’m not about to confess about parts.
I wonder if this is a special thing that just therapists do, get inside of another person? What is that? I understand it is a one-way situation. I don’t know much about Ron, his inner life, anything much really except how he shows up with clients, and a few basic facts about his life. So he is close to me, while I am not close to him.
The other day, I had this feeling, or image, of this therapist, shrunk down like the people in the Incredible Voyage, and walking about inside my body, along the veins, around the organs, just looking to see what was there. Very very odd feeling.
Of course I tell myself, he can’t really read my mind, or walk around inside my body. That’s kind of kid thinking. He only knows what I tell him. But I’m drawn to tell him things, how I feel, and of course he encourages that. And it feels good to be connected. And also bad. Because as I said, it scares me big time.
Are married people that close? Or what. Can’t be. With romantic partners, it’s a two way street, for one thing. It must be a thing therapists do.