Closer

I was doing really well this weekend, for a change. The aftermath of therapy this time was a kind of happiness. Not exactly happy, but clear headed and able to do things. I was trying to determine what it was that Ron did or that I did that caused this feeling.

For one thing, we did not discuss my past, so I didn’t have a bunch of feelings brought up around the past. I wonder if it was that I could be angry, and it was OK? Or that I spoke from the point of view of the different parts, and that was also OK? I don’t really know what it was that helped me. The parts situation is still freaking me out, but it also is a relief to just go with it…and it makes sense of some parts of my life that never made sense before.

I find I feel incredibly close to this therapist, and it scares the shit out of me, pardon my French. It really does. I have not felt this before, and it is one scary feeling. No one has ever cared to know what I am like before. Yes I’ve had friends, but I put up a front with friends, as they do with me. I’m not about to confess about parts.

I wonder if this is a special thing that just therapists do, get inside of another person? What is that? I understand it is a one-way situation. I don’t know much about Ron, his inner life, anything much really except how he shows up with clients, and a few basic facts about his life. So he is close to me, while I am not close to him.

The other day, I had this feeling, or image, of this therapist, shrunk down like the people in the Incredible Voyage, and walking about inside my body, along the veins, around the organs, just looking to see what was there. Very very odd feeling.

Of course I tell myself, he can’t really read my mind, or walk around inside my body. That’s kind of kid thinking. He only knows what I tell him. But I’m drawn to tell him things, how I feel, and of course he encourages that. And it feels good to be connected. And also bad. Because as I said, it scares me big time.

Are married people that close? Or what. Can’t be. With romantic partners, it’s a two way street, for one thing. It must be a thing therapists do.

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8 comments
  1. gniz said:

    Yes. Married people can be that close. Even moreso because it's a two way street, although I suppose there may be a few sore spots or things you might say to a therapist but not to a spouse because of the hurt feelings it might engender.But even if it's one way, I don't really think it matters. What's happening is still amazing

  2. gniz said:

    And besides, nothing is ever totally one way. I know this sounds strange, but you are helping Ron too. because this is what he loves and what he wants to do is make a difference, so you're giving him a pretty profound gift as well by letting him do his work

  3. Ellen said:

    Hi gniz, I'm quite astonished that married people can be that close. I certainly was not to my partner – more a matter of fear and appeasement, and then some intellectual type rapport I'd say. That would be worth having, the type of closeness you have I mean. Thanks for commenting – I felt particularly embarrassed by this post after I published it for some reason – it didn't seem OK. But now I think it's OK. I believe nothing is completely one way either, though it is a different experience for each. Thanks for pointing that out. I would not feel close to someone who didn't care for me I don't think, unless I was in a complete fantasy. I am Ron's work, but he cares about his work…I don't know, that is strange. Or I'll go with that's also OK! thanks for the input

  4. inamaze said:

    For me there has to be a connection with the therapist and even though it is their work I think there most be some sort of connection going on with them. I find it scary as well because that connection makes me feel vulnerable. I think it's great that yours parts are being able to have a say and that you're getting to know them.

  5. Ellen glad that your parts can participate and get to know you. Since not married I cannot comment on the connection of one-to-one. But, in t. with me, I know when dealing with the most intimate subjects I can feel vulnerable knowing it is more or less a one way street here. Me sharing, and my t. responding, but not divulging like a friend would back to me anything really personal. I hope I make sense?

  6. Ellen said:

    Hi Maze – thanks. It is scary to be vulnerable. For me it feels unnatural to be close to someone I think. Like it shouldn't be, but then also, I can't resist it. Something needed and feared also. Yeah the parts situation is interesting at least, thanks. take careHi JBR – Yes that totally makes sense. If the relationship was equal, we'd both be vulnerable, as it is, only one is (moi). Good to know you feel similar. thanks for commenting

  7. I'm glad you said what you did about feeling embarrassed at first when you posted. I always feel weird/embarrassed when i post something on my blog. It is not as hard as it used to be and I am on my journey out of my anxiety nightmare, but it helps to know others feel this as well.

  8. Ellen said:

    Hi Jill – I do tend to be embarrassed sometimes, when it's something especially personal usually. At first I was always anxious about posting things. I know some do not believe in being as personal as I am, but it's helping me work through things, so I figure it's OK. cheers

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