Tomorrow I go back for therapy after a three week break. Well, two week plus the regular one week. Makes three. It seems like a very long time, and I’m not sure what I want to talk about at all. Most likely Ron will sit in silence until I start talking, so it may be best to think of something at least.
I’m thinking I’m very fond of Ron. Especially with this break, as he’s not been able to do or say anything to make me mad, he he. I like his seriousness, the way he takes his job seriously. And I like that he seems to almost fanatically believe in something, though I am not clear on what that belief is. Something about following your feelings perhaps. Or something else? He seems to have a philosophy he holds to in any case. There does not seem to be a cynical bone in his body.
And I like that he does not talk about himself at all. This is also frustrating at times, as there is no small talk and my curiosity about his life remains unsatisfied for the most part. But it’s also restful, in that I never have to take care of him in any way. And I also like his thoughtful comments at times…how he says what he really believes.
Well now I’ll go back and end up really mad and disliking him most likely. Well, hopefully not.
This week my main difficulty has been an inability to sleep. Or if I get to sleep, to stay asleep. Always a problem, it’s now really bad. I think it may be the anti-histamines I started taking about a week ago. I have severe hay fever, so I need to take these to be able to function. But I don’t remember the insomnia being especially bad last year. So I don’t know.
Last night I took two additional drowsy making AHs, which I often use to go to sleep. Then a whole xanax on top of that, plus some hot oatmeal made with milk. Ah…that did the trick at last, and I clocked about six hours, which is enough to function. You’re not supposed to mix these meds unfortunately according to the package, but I must sleep if I’m to go to work. If this keeps up, I’ll go to the doctor and see if she’ll prescribe me something for sleeping I think.
My abilities to interact in a good way with people at work really deteriorate when I haven’t slept much, and I was in a meeting on Monday where I didn’t do well at all. Today was better thank goodness.
Today at work there was a meeting which was difficult, and at first I was kind of taking it badly, but then I pulled myself together pretty well I think. There is a project manager at work who is quite high up in the hierarchy, but unfortunately likes to micro-manage her projects. I’m part of a very tiny project which is being managed under her, and today a group met and she messed up our work by telling us exactly what to do, without knowing enough about it to do the right things. Very frustrating.
What I realized is that I sit there and go into all this roiling inner turmoil, which then comes out in my saying things that are maybe inappropriate, or if not, at least the tone is wrong wrong wrong and things go badly. So what I think is happening is that I start fragmenting a bit, and the inner kids start screaming for help and attention, and I try and ignore them and push them down, and it all gets to be too much.
Now that I can hear them as I’m paying attention, I decided to hold the inner kids in a bubble of love and protection. This sounds new agey I’m sure, but it made all the difference. I calmed down and stopped radiating stress and disapproval all over the place. I have little direct power, so my job is basically to bend with the wind, and try to influence afterwards. So I put a calm expression on my face and did my job, which was to update the document as we were discussing it (it was being projected). I just asked for clarification when I wasn’t sure what the decision was, and stayed out of the way, which was what I needed to do.
This PM was quite irritated, with me and maybe others, because she felt we hadn’t followed her instructions precisely. I actually realized it was no good trying to be rational, because she heard everything as insubordination. So until she stopped being irritated, the only thing to do was to do as she asked without comment, and wait for her to feel better. And things improved in that meeting, and I stayed out of trouble, and there was nothing I could have done really in any case.
I think the key was taking care of these old inner child type feelings first. Otherwise, I know I should be calm, but I am not able to do that.
Of course I had to let off steam later on with my co-worker when we were meeting by ourselves. I hope the rooms are fairly soundproof, as I am louder than I should be. He felt largely the same way as I did, so we both vented our exasperation. It is silly that so much time, energy and money is wasted in these organizations because of really bad management. And still they make money. Somehow or other.
So I feel good about that. Finding a way to stay calm in a stressful circumstance which I really wanted to fix, but letting go of it instead. The therapy is paying off a bit for me, even though I never really have discussed my problems at work in therapy. Just getting to know myself a bit better is helping me cope.