I’ve had a peaceful weekend with no major inner storms for a change. With Ron away I have backed off from trying to explore any feelings. I just let them go by. If there are any voices, I don’t try and hear what else they have to say. It’s just easier to be as normal as possible for now. Sometimes I feel I’m perfectly all right, and just need to stop diving into anything. Of course if something triggering happens, probably I will go off into flashbacks, but for now, I’m going with ‘everything’s fine’.
I’d planned two outings for this weekend, and also a shopping trip, and I managed it all. I got going early Saturday and finally got a bathing suit and some sandals on sale. Thought about high heels but ended up with flats – I just won’t wear the heels because then I can’t walk anywhere much. I could carry them in to work though, and just wear them there. Heels can be kind of fun, especially if your job is not interesting. Then walking around becomes an event.
Saturday evening I went off to my family’s because an old friend was visiting from Germany with her husband. I had the usual panicky feelings, but this time I tried square breathing, and it helped calm me down. At one point I took a break from the barbecue to go read the paper by myself in the house. Then after that, I decided it was OK to not talk much, if I didn’t want to talk. So I sat eating and doing square breathing and not talking much. It was fine. No one noticed I wasn’t talking much.
In my family, it was always important to be clever all the time, so everyone is kind of tense and trying to be smart, and it wears me out. The corollary is people are judged all the time, and then we judge ourselves also. The whole procedure is exhausting and unsatisfying, and anyway it makes me too anxious, so deciding just to sit there and not try is restful really. I was able to stay longer than my usual two hours, and didn’t leave abruptly in the middle of dessert like I have before.
Today I went to see Midnight in Paris with a friend, her pick. It was OK. The kid enjoyed it actually, as there are costumes and scenery and the tone is happy. I don’t think Woody Allen is making good movies anymore though. This was like eye candy for the over forty set, with a few jokes, not many. A bunch of pretty people talking. Sometimes though it’s fine to see something just as entertainment, just to rest.
With this friend, I often felt sad that I couldn’t share some deeper things that were happening to me. But today it seemed fine to just talk about unimportant things, just passing a Sunday afternoon.
Today I feel like things are OK. Kind of floaty, with nothing much happening, which is fine with me.