Today I’ve stayed at home on this cloudy and humid Sunday. Even though I feel sad when I stay home, I’m just running by going out all the time.
There is lots to do here but I don’t do it, beyond laundry and fixing myself a salad (hurrah, health). I feel sad and I keep wanting to lie down. I think the therapy process doesn’t magically stop just because I’m not going for a few weeks. Sadness about the past keeps coming up and clobbering me anyways.
At first I was glad I didn’t have therapy on Friday, because it meant my weekend wouldn’t be full of the therapy hangover feelings. And it’s true, feelings are a lot easier to push away without the input of a therapist. And I’ve had an awful lot of practice in pushing everything down and pretending it isn’t there. The pushing down is exhausting me. So if I can stay home and spend time staring out at my tree, and feeling how I feel, that’s what I’m going to do for a while. Maybe I’m lazy. So what. No one is harmed but myself.
Friday I went to my EA meetings, which was good. The real meeting happens afterwards though at coffee, where we can actually talk back and forth to each other. I was telling one fellow that I wondered how effective the steps were when you’re not dealing with an addiction per se, or a behaviour you want to stop. I can see how the steps can stabilize a person who is trying to quit an addiction – they maybe function as a stand-in for whatever the addiction is. But for emotional problems….how do they help?
There’s also the difference between talking about your feelings or problems, versus actually experiencing the emotions behind them.
He is a true believer in the steps, and had tried therapy and didn’t find it that helpful to him. I’m thinking therapy is where I really feel things and so that is what is going to help me. I just wouldn’t be able to deal with memories that I half remember in these meetings, and that’s not what they are for.
But I still like the meetings. I like the people, and the support, and the tea time afterwards. I like the ideal of acceptance of everyone. I’m just not a true believer in the steps at the moment.
I was thinking though after talking to this guy that I might share more of what I’m actually going through in a meeting. I completely gloss over things there, talk about work problems or a problem with depression, but don’t mention any actual details of how things are. I don’t know. He said I could share this stuff if I wanted to. Maybe it would be good to share more of it and just have it be accepted.