It would have suited me better if Ron had not gone on vacation the same week I started a new role. Well, the second week of it. It’s too much change for me at once. I hate change anyway, and this is double the change.

I haven’t yet figured out how much I need to be at work, so am going in every day except for Fridays. As I have trouble staying asleep, and need to get up around six to make it into work, I’m getting really really tired. And also, it’s a strain trying to figure out the new situation – I don’t know the rules so to speak.

Today was actually a better day though than yesterday. Writing out my thoughts yesterday helped me to decide what to do. So this morning, I realized I had to speak to the new boss somehow or other. So when she proved elusive, I sent a quick email asking if we could meet on our project. Then she appeared, and I and my co-worker walked over. She immediately set up a quick meeting for us that morning – it was as if she was waiting to be asked. The meeting was really productive, and I’m reassured that yes, there is a project, and yes, they need me to carry it out. In fact, it looks like I’ll be playing a more active role in making this happen than last time, as this manager will be less involved than my last boss. Which is fine by me.

In the afternoon, there was a massive event for all the employees of this quite massive IT project, so I went to that. It was kind of interesting actually, though challenging to sit through such a long meeting.

And my absence yesterday of a few hours didn’t seem to be noted or noticed at all. So that was OK.

So now, why am I so blankly exhausted I can only lie down and stare at the ceiling? Maybe it really is just a lack of sleep. I always wake at night after a few hours and it takes an hour to get back to sleep. So I’d have to be sleeping by nine to have any chance at all of eight hours of sleep.

And again I can’t cook and I can’t warm anything up – it’s all too difficult. Sigh. Nutrition is important to keep my system running well enough to work, and I can’t manage it. Ditto for mild exercise, which I also can’t manage today. It is so frustrating.

This PTSD, or whatever I have, exhausts me. There is always something going on internally, not all the time, but enough of the time, and I think the effort of suppressing that just wears me out. Yet I have no alternative. I need to work, and in order to do that, I have to be in one piece.

I also am now missing Ron, who knows about me, and at least sympathizes, or is it accepts? He accepts. And I wouldn’t normally see him yet, as it hasn’t been a week, but I could email him and he would get the email pretty fast. He doesn’t have internet where he is, so he will only pick up email every few days. And the poor man does deserve a vacation after all, and doesn’t need a ton of email from a depressed client.

I am so tired. I feel so blank. I’ve pushed whatever it is so far down, I feel absolutely nothing except exhausted. Dear blog, that is how I feel.

  1. Harriet said:

    You do sound very down Ellen. But I am so glad that you were able to meet with the boss and get things straightened out, that must be a relief. Is Ron gone for one week, or longer? Maybe you could write him an email, and not send it – I do that with my t. It somehow helps, even though it sounds weird.

  2. Hi Ellen,Sorry you are feeling so exhausted. Interrupted sleep is very disturbing to the system. Have you tried a natural supplement like Valerian or melatonin? I have used both- but only once in awhile and they do seem to help.I would encourage you to force yourself to get up and at least go for a walk. It will be hard to start, but once you do it, you will start to feel better. and doing a little mild exercise can help you get a good night's sleep too.Take care. xx

  3. Flannery said:

    Ellen, working is good and it makes you feel good about yourself. Wading through foggy memories and restless nights is really exhausting. I hope you get to feeling better. Flannery

  4. Ellen said:

    @ Harriet – Yes, meeting with the boss was a good move. Ron is gone for two weeks, and I'll see him in three. So you write emails also to your T and don't send? You are attached to him and want to communicate – that doesn't come across in your posts! Interesting Harriet. Ah ha! :-)@ Jill – I have tried supplements…neither of those two do anything for me, but Relora helps me and 5 HTP also. The interrupted sleep is a symptom of the PTSD, so it happens all the time, and it is difficult to deal with. Yeah, walking is good. thanks for commenting@ Flannery – Yes, I'm really glad I can work, even if it is hard sometimes. take care

  5. Here listening and certainly understanding with the exhaustion Ellen. Safe hugs.

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