It would have suited me better if Ron had not gone on vacation the same week I started a new role. Well, the second week of it. It’s too much change for me at once. I hate change anyway, and this is double the change.
I haven’t yet figured out how much I need to be at work, so am going in every day except for Fridays. As I have trouble staying asleep, and need to get up around six to make it into work, I’m getting really really tired. And also, it’s a strain trying to figure out the new situation – I don’t know the rules so to speak.
Today was actually a better day though than yesterday. Writing out my thoughts yesterday helped me to decide what to do. So this morning, I realized I had to speak to the new boss somehow or other. So when she proved elusive, I sent a quick email asking if we could meet on our project. Then she appeared, and I and my co-worker walked over. She immediately set up a quick meeting for us that morning – it was as if she was waiting to be asked. The meeting was really productive, and I’m reassured that yes, there is a project, and yes, they need me to carry it out. In fact, it looks like I’ll be playing a more active role in making this happen than last time, as this manager will be less involved than my last boss. Which is fine by me.
In the afternoon, there was a massive event for all the employees of this quite massive IT project, so I went to that. It was kind of interesting actually, though challenging to sit through such a long meeting.
And my absence yesterday of a few hours didn’t seem to be noted or noticed at all. So that was OK.
So now, why am I so blankly exhausted I can only lie down and stare at the ceiling? Maybe it really is just a lack of sleep. I always wake at night after a few hours and it takes an hour to get back to sleep. So I’d have to be sleeping by nine to have any chance at all of eight hours of sleep.
And again I can’t cook and I can’t warm anything up – it’s all too difficult. Sigh. Nutrition is important to keep my system running well enough to work, and I can’t manage it. Ditto for mild exercise, which I also can’t manage today. It is so frustrating.
This PTSD, or whatever I have, exhausts me. There is always something going on internally, not all the time, but enough of the time, and I think the effort of suppressing that just wears me out. Yet I have no alternative. I need to work, and in order to do that, I have to be in one piece.
I also am now missing Ron, who knows about me, and at least sympathizes, or is it accepts? He accepts. And I wouldn’t normally see him yet, as it hasn’t been a week, but I could email him and he would get the email pretty fast. He doesn’t have internet where he is, so he will only pick up email every few days. And the poor man does deserve a vacation after all, and doesn’t need a ton of email from a depressed client.
I am so tired. I feel so blank. I’ve pushed whatever it is so far down, I feel absolutely nothing except exhausted. Dear blog, that is how I feel.