Sadness of memories

I’ve been really sad since therapy Friday. This is the fallout from the memory I talked about there. It’s odd because really I didn’t think I went into it much, but it was enough that yesterday I mostly spent lying down, trying to feel and get through whatever it is, and today also pretty sad and not doing well. Just from a memory of swimming. Maybe the swimming is a cover memory, something your brain puts over top of an upsetting memory. Or maybe this incident did happen on holiday when I was on a beach. We used to take vacations on beaches when I was a young child.

I remember playing, wrestling or roughhousing with someone, and then the badness takes over and I can’t remember, I can just feel. And the feeling is of disgust and upset and then of not being real, with some anger thrown in also.

I don’t want to cook today, but then I do cook eggs for lunch, and then I can’t judge how much to eat, as I’m eating on command, instead of naturally, so I eat too much and then feel bad.

I don’t want to go out, though I do force myself out to buy coffee at noon, and some vegetables. I come home and it’s too difficult to put the veggies away, so I just leave them in the bag and go and lie down again. I let the kid write an email to Ron, and in the process find out what the kid is thinking. I don’t send the email, but it’s interesting what she has to say. It’s not about the memory, as it isn’t hers, but letting her write cheers her up, so I also get a bit of benefit.

I try and let the memory happen again, and it kind of does, but it doesn’t become clearer. I’m just upset and sad and disgusted and choking.

I buy myself a book I want to read, and it is interesting, so I read a bit. The kid wants to paint her toenails as we bought green polish, so I do that. A bit of kid energy emerges, a bit of toenail happiness. Now I’m eating chocolate and drinking wine instead of having dinner – it is too much to try and cook and eat dinner, I just can’t do it at all.

The kid would like to phone people, but I don’t want to, so I don’t.

And I feel spectacularly unattractive. That happens to me sometimes. I am here alone, so what does my appearance matter? But it does matter, as I don’t have a date I suppose. Not that I could go on one if I did have it, feeling like this. I never was a babe, and physical attractiveness is at the low end of the scale. But then, there are men also who are not especially fantastic looking, who still go on dates. I am trying to make peace with my body. My body is not bad actually, I’m not fat, but my face is a bit scarred and the features are not symmetrical, and my chin recedes somewhat. Main problem is the chin I’d say, though I used to think it was the nose. So what. So I have a chin that recedes. It’s OK. There are worse things.

I think being abused as a child didn’t do my self-esteem any favours. Abuse makes you feel ugly and worthless in so many many ways. Unworthy of another human, it seems, sometimes. Defective and flawed and even monstrous. A monstrous person. Hmmm…..I don’t think so. Shy, yes. Sad, yes. Angry, often. But monstrous? No, probably not. I do not abuse. Not even internal parts, now I know about them. I try and be kind. Why should I feel monstrous?

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4 comments
  1. Dear one I am sorry for the struggle of your memory. Maybe it is just not time to have it revealed fully. Or if at all. Here listening…..

  2. It's interesting that when you take care of the kid, you also take care of yourself. I hope you continue to do that.

  3. The ONLY reason you feel monstrous, in my opinion, is the same reason I sometimes feel monstrous…MONSTROUS ATROCITIES HAPPENED TO US MY MONSTERS. Be gentle with yourself. Take care.Nico

  4. Ellen said:

    Thanks JBR.@ NWNMG – Good insight, I'll do my best with that, thx.@ Interruption – Thanks Nioo. Yeah, I could be taking on something that's not mine to take on.

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