Therapy Monday

Therapy Monday. Also first day of my week of vacation.

I am no longer as scared going to therapy, though still anxious. Today I did a meditation tape in the morning before my appointment and it really helped put me in my body and feel more peaceful. Good idea if I can manage that every Monday.

I was a few minutes late for my session, which is different for me, so I arrived out of breath. We sit in silence as usual, Ron looking very solemn. He has on a deep blue shirt today which rather suits him (sorry, I’m a girl, what can I do).

I don’t want to plunge into my ‘complaints’, so I just sit for a bit. Ron then starts off. He’s interested in this ‘parts’ situation, and how I object when he mixes up the kid part with the grown up regular me. I’d sent him a ‘kid’ email, and he’d thought it was me, so then I sent him another attached to it that described the same thing from my perspective, so he could see the difference. To me, the difference is huge. Ron says it’s as if I’m pushing that kid part down, rejecting her as ‘not me’. Well she isn’t me I reply to that.

Ron: What do you make of this situation, that this part is so separate from you?

E. Shrugs. I don’t know…I don’t make anything of it. It just is like that. It’s not good. It’s not normal.

R. So are there other parts do you think?

He asked me that last week also. I have no idea and I trust there are not. Not split off like this at any rate. I know I do have a critical part, like everyone has, but it’s not a whole part or anything.

I mention how thrilled the kid part is when he replies to her email. That’s happened twice. And how it shocks me, because it makes that part seem more real.  Ron nods his head.

We sit in silence. So I mention that I was angry after the last session.

R. Are you angry now?

I shake my head. I’m just not. I don’t feel angry at the moment. We go over the email again – how whether he replies quickly or not depends on what’s going on for him that day, how busy he is. I say again that I’d really needed to hear from him on that particular email. He doesn’t really accept that there was anything special about this one, and I don’t press the point. I find it difficult to argue my corner with him, I’m cowed somehow. I hate that.

He says I jump to conclusions really quickly – he doesn’t reply to one email, and I conclude he doesn’t care. He’s not sure about who wrote one email, and I conclude he can’t tell the kid from the grown-up. Then I’m ready to just leave.

Whatever. Maybe. I’m frustrated he can’t see my point about the email where I wrote about suicidal thoughts. How that might clue him in that he might want to respond. But I also see I’ve kind of hurt him by vaguely threatening to leave. I see it would bother him if I left, and I kind of like that, because for one thing it means he gives a shit. And because it would really bother me a lot, as I feel attached to him.

I show him some kid drawings the kid did, as he’d said he’d like to see them. That was fine. I mainly did that because I don’t want this kid mad at me when I get home, and I’d promised I’d show them.

So then I tell Ron that, and he asks what else this kid part needs. So I kind of consult, to try and figure this out. Of course she wants to talk. So I let her talk.

It’s very interesting, if also embarrassing, because I don’t know what she’s going to say. She talks about Harry Potter. I went to see that movie on Sunday with a group of people I sometimes go out with. It was fine, and I thought the kid would like it. She talks in a childish way, kind of random, with lots of ands to string things together.

So she starts describing bits of the movie, the parts that she liked, and the 3-D aspect, where bits of things come out of the screen at you. That was fine. And then it emerged that the movie had really scared her. It ends with a war, and some characters get killed in a vaguely gruesome way. So she describes this, and starts kind of crying over the sadness of all the death and carnage…..

I’d had no idea I felt like this. I thought the movie was well done, interesting, good actors in the grown-up roles. Nice monsters and bizarre characters. But overall, the colour tone of the movie was dark, people wore black, and you did think HP was going to bite the dust at the end, as fore ordained or something like that. I wasn’t really following the plot too too well, as I’d missed the other six HP movies.

So we ended the session with me on the verge of tears about this movie I saw yesterday that scared me. Okey dokey. Ron just sat there, asked a few questions and such, but basically let me describe the movie and feel sad and scared. And really, it was very satisfying to speak from that kid part and feel those emotions that I didn’t know I had.

So overall a good session for me. One good seems to follow one bad in a regular kind of a way. I feel fine now. Except a little shocked about the realness of this young part of me that seems to have her own thoughts and feelings that I don’t necessarily know about.

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7 comments
  1. Glad Ellen for a good session of realization. My young one also amazes me. My t. and I always know when she comes out in a session.

  2. Harriet said:

    It sounds like a good session, it is so good that you were able to talk about your anger from last week, but I'm sorry that Ron didn't seem to get the importance of responding to your email.Do like the kid part? It doesn't sound as though you do, but I admire that you can let her speak in your sessions and that Ron lets you sit with your feelings.I'm really anxious about my session today, it's good to know I'm not the only one who gets this way. I wonder if I think about therapy too much, get too worked up over it. I kind of wish I could just use it like most people – complaining about their jobs and their kids and their husbands. But that would be very unsatisfying for me, I always have to get deep into things. And in a time span of only 45 minutes per week it is very difficult to get out of that place. Do you feel that way?

  3. gniz said:

    Hey Ellen, Just wanted to say I've been reading and "listening." Keep up the amazing work.Aaron

  4. Ellen said:

    @ JBR – thanks. I always know when she's speaking, and I think Ron has learned to recognize her also. Such a new experience for me. take care now@ Harriet – Yes, it was good, and I think that was because I at least mentioned the angry feelings, even though Ron didn't totally get it. That let me move on to other things.I'm embarrassed by the kid part, but at the same time, she is me, and I try to love and accept her. I'm surprised it sounds like I don't like her – I am having difficulties with this whole younger part situation, that's true. I doubt you think too much about T – you are likely trying to work something out to do with it. Maybe you need to feel instead of think? I'm not sure what most people do, but I suspect also it's not what I do. I also feel 50 minutes (my session) is short. I could book 1.5 sessions, but money is an issue for me so I haven't. Luckily my T doesn't talk a lot – sometimes I'd like to know what he thinks, but I'd have to drag it out of him! Hope your session was good today. take care@ gniz – Thanks for the support Aaron. I like that you're listening to me. 🙂 take care

  5. Paula said:

    Wunderbar! I love that Litlle Ellen gets heard by you now – so much more then ever before. I love how she surprises you, and how much there is beneath Big Ellen going on! We have so many facets, so many colors and shapes inside. And all make YOU. You start to interact with your different kids and they will teach you, Trust the process…step one… Love form my heart to yours.

  6. inamaze said:

    I think it's awesome that your kid part is being given a voice within your sessions. It seems like Ron is trying to understand. I like how you are also learning about this part in a way you haven't before.

  7. Ellen said:

    @ Paula – Thanks Paula, I like how you put this. I will try to trust the process, though struggle is more in my nature. love to you also@ maze – Thanks Maze. Yes, it is kind of interesting. Ron is always conscientious and does try to understand what is happening. take care now

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