After my therapy session last Monday, I was so angry and distressed, I sent Ron an email with my complaints. Four things I felt he did that were hurtful – he seemed to be pre-occupied with someone else’s problems instead of mine, he didn’t reply to an email where I’d said how depressed I was and I was having suicidal thoughts, and how when I wanted to discuss it he brushed me off, how he mixed me up with a kid part, and something else which I can’t remember now. Some other thing that pissed me off. Oh and I added a part about how I usually last six months with therapists, and then things usually fall apart.

So I sent it off, and he replied in less than two hours. I was thinking, if you don’t like replying to emails, you wouldn’t reply to a critical one very quickly at all, but with Ron it seems to be the opposite. He replied fairly kindly really, saying he wasn’t aware of being pre-occupied but that I should mention feelings like that while they were happening, and that he didn’t think he had brushed me off when I wanted to discuss it. But that it was important to discuss, so could we discuss next Monday. Something about how the feelings behind my email were important.

So he has made it all about me of course – my feelings that are being triggered, not his behaviour. But I guess it’s OK. He is taking my feelings seriously. I think.

I was very upset that he didn’t respond to the one email when it was really important to me to hear back from him. I really was. I haven’t written him at all this week, I just didn’t want to risk sharing how I feel and not getting a response.

OK, I lie a bit. There was one kid email, about kid things only. The kid part is not angry with him. Which he also replied to right away. I think I’ve got him worried now and he replies to everything pronto. LOL.

I haven’t wanted to write about anything since that Monday, not on the blog, not by email. I really felt let down and abandoned. I’m surprised at just how hurt I am. 

So tomorrow I’m set for a complaint session I suppose. The angry feelings have faded by this time, so it will be difficult to muster the strength to complain forcefully at all.

  1. diver said:

    Hi Ellen. It's a fair bunch of complaints I think. His failure to reply (at all) to an email containing suicidal ideation … ouch, that one I find particularly concerning. What a drag that you've gotta pay the guy, and often, to work out your problems with him. Makes me wonder, at what point do the therapist and client realise that what they're doing is no longer a valid part of a therapeutic process at all but instead just a state of basic incompatibility (or karma) repeating itself over and over again? Like the movie, 'Groundhog Day'.Ah well, fingers crossed you can burst through it tomorrow 🙂

  2. cbtish said:

    I partly agree with diver. This is no therapeutic process.I don't agree that there is any possibility you can "burst through it". It's Ron who has lost the plot, and only he can find it again.

  3. I do not know the whole situation, so I am just going to talk about ME. When things like this happened, I always felt the same way as you. But, now I realize it was about ME. It was about my fear of trust; fear of abandonment; fear of getting 'close' to anyone, especially someone that accepted me for who I am…good, bad, ugly, mean, sad, rude, kind…You should talk about this today…just my opinion. Good luck and take care.

  4. Harriet said:

    Ellen – as you know I am going through somewhat the same thing this week. I, too, wrote an email to my t with "complaints" (although in your case I do not think they are complaints, they are concerns and feelings), but I did not send it. Now, with my appointment coming up tomorrow, I also have found the strong feelings of last week have faded, so I probably won't mention it. If I had sent the email at least my t would know how I felt and we could work it out. By not talking about it with him I find it builds up over time, so I think it is a good idea for you to talk to Ron even though the angry feelings are not as strong.My t also wants me to tell him about feelings I have in the moment – it is very difficult for me. I need time to process things before I can figure out what I feel, and by then the session is over. Plus my sessions move very quickly because my t talks so much!Sometimes I think as diver does, that I can't believe I am paying to work out my problems with my t. But then I think that this is excellent practice for working out my problems with other people, because my problems with other people are the same ones I have with my t most of the time. Real life gets repeated in the therapy session.And I hate that they make it all about us! They would never admit that they did something wrong, that is so frustrating to me. Did he ever apologize for not responding to that very important email you sent him? Or admit that he could have done better?I hope your session goes well today – I think based on how yours goes I will decide whether or not to talk to my t about my feelings from last week's session!

  5. Ellen said:

    @ diver – You're definitely on a Bill Murray kick diver. I love the movie Groundhog Day….and I think it's him, isn't it? Same shit, different day? It's an interesting idea, but I don't feel that way really. Today's session was pretty good really. I'm not pulling my hair out at least. Bet it was your crossed fingers that did the trick, thanks!@cbtish…thanks for the insight cbtish. Always interested to hear a professional opinion.@Interruption – great to hear about your own process Interruption. Yeah, I think I am similar. There are real issues with some of what Ron does, but a lot of it is my own fear I think. I definitely have anxiety about my relationship with him, and I don't think it's specific to him either. I appreciate you talking from your own experience. take care@ Harriet – I am the same – if I had not sent that email, I would have had a hard time bringing this stuff up. And mentioning feelings in the moment – my whole childhood trained me to ignore all feelings in the moment, so it's not something I can pull out of a hat just because I'm now asked to do it. They totally do make it all about us. Ron didn't for one second admit he should have answered that email, that it was any kind of mistake. And he said I jump to conclusions about what one thing means. We did talk about these emails and it was OK. I find it difficult to argue my corner with him…I guess I am somewhat in awe or at a disadvantage. Other things happened during the session that were helpful, and maybe that was because we discussed my concerns up front. So hopefully you will raise how you feel (felt) with J. It will not hurt anything and it may help you. take care

  6. Ellen said:

    I appreciate that JBR, thank you

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