Turning into a young child seems to have brought some of my issues hurtling to the surface, so I’ve had a rough few days. It seems odd because in the session, this child part only talked about ‘happy’ things, with no whisper of trauma or bad feelings. At first I felt a relief that I had accessed that child part and someone else had seen her. Then I had trouble sleeping (more than my usual trouble), then at work I started thinking about death a lot. Then at home I just lay staring out at my tree.

Thoughts of suicide. That just can’t be a good sign at all. In my case, they’re not a result of being so depressed I want to die. That would be awful, and I don’t think I’d be functional in that situation. They’re more like dissociated thoughts that float through my mind while I’m busy trying to cope with working life. Still not a good sign, and when they start happening, I pay attention and try to do something to help myself.

One thing I tried didn’t work out. My usual method when in distress – email to Ron. One day I wrote it but did not send it. The next morning, I thought I can’t go through this kind of day again, so I wrote another one and sent it off. And it helped. I imagined he’d read it…and for some reason that makes me feel better. Then he still hadn’t replied by the time I was going to bed at the end of the day, so of course I felt anxious and angry. How hard is it to reply to an email, just to say ‘it sounds tough…’ or some such? I knew it was a work day for him, so unlikely he hadn’t received it.

I then just wrote to him saying I was feeling better and he didn’t have to respond to the email. I just didn’t want my unheeded request for a response weighing on me anymore. So of course he didn’t respond the following day either. He never responds unless specifically requested.

I don’t really know what it was that upset me so much. I’ve been doing some crayon art, trying to express the feelings. Then I did a body scan meditation, which is quite long, about 30 minutes, and went through some kind of memories doing that. It helped calm me down just to be able to focus on the feelings, but have the time limit of the meditation CD in place. Plus the reader’s voice is nice and gentle – Jon Kabat-Zinn.

And I sat in the sun for a while. I think the sun is a natural anti-depressant. I didn’t get a whole lot of work done today, but I’m feeling calmer at least.

I do feel somewhat abandoned by my therapist. But I know I have to appreciate people for what they are able to offer, and Ron offers a lot. He’s just not real good by email. I wonder if I phoned him if he’d be as slow to return my call.

  1. okay you definitely have to bring this up on monday, how hurt you were that he didn't respond and that you sent the second email saying he didn't need to write to cover up how bad you were actually feeling. you can work through this with him but you have to get it into the room first. it will be so worth it.enough with the bossy comments! sorry. it's just been my experience with therapy that you have to talk about these things, they are very important to your ability to trust and be open. as for feeling suicidal, not depressed, i know that feeling well. my therapist says i am continuing the work that my abuser started, by trying to kill that small child within when all she really needs is love and care. i hate to think i'm anything like my abuser so i take extra care of myself when these feelings arise in me, and i do all the things that a little kid would want. stuffed flamingo toy in bed with me, ice cream, children's books to read, and so on. it eases some of the hurt. you are doing such important work and you are being so brave about it. i really respect and admire you, keep going! it will be worth it.

  2. Here with you Ellen listening. Appreciate you sharing from your heart, your hurts. The suicide thoughts and depression I can relate as well. Safe hugs.

  3. Paula said:

    The way I see it is that you abandon yourself. Heading to therapy is the first step, attending to Little Ellen is YOUR job. I remember the bitter yet healing day at the therapy center where I was asked: As you were deprived of parental love, attention and appreciation, who can give this love to you? I came up with being nourished now by my therapist and the entire team, my siblings, my friends. I didnt want to say it. I simple did not want to speak the words: no one can do that. The one who can care for the Little Paula is the Big Paula. It was the day were I faced the bitter reality – it is lost forever and NO one except myself and give me what I need. I wrote letters to Little Paula, I even sent them to her by mail! I read kids books to get more in touch with her needs. I love Little Paula to bits and by now she trusts me. Ron can only give you a short time comfort, for healing long term solution is necessary. All you need you have inside yourself. All the skills and resources needed. Even the resource to figure what different things might be of assistance on this road. He guides you, he lets you get closer to yourself, he stay in an interaction that you got more pain, tears and insights with him in this short time with him then in all the time we are in contact! It is hard to figure though what Little Ellen wants or NEEDS and what Big Ellen needs or WANTS. Latter comes into my mind as I red several times that you pay him – yes, you do. Expecting a ROI is not working. Both of you are human and the progress you made since you are with him is incredible. It is nothing new that it gets worse, rock bottom, face the core and slowly get out of the dig. He will be on your side yet the show is run by TWO of you. Not you alone! Sometimes I feel you like to control the way HOW the therapy has to go. As far as I recall that never goes anywhere. I remember how often I run away because it didnt went the way I wanted, because one or more therapists in the team didnt care, reacted or give me what I thought I wanted. I got something instead: I got what I needed, even when I refused to see it! It was pouting Little Paula speaking through an adult mouth. If I, you, we would know how to deal with it, we would not be in the place to need an extended therapy in the first place. We wouldnt not have the feeling there is surely more to life and love. Much love and hugs to Little Ellen and Big Ellen

  4. Hi! So glad you stopped by my blog and left a comment. Thank you! I was just reading a little of your blog. Your approach to your path seems quite self aware. I wish you the best.

  5. Ellen said:

    @ catherine – wow Catherine your comment really helped me. It's great that you understand about the suicidal thoughts…because people don't. It's just an odd thing. Feel free to make 'bossy comments' because I don't mind at all, when it is good advice. Though Ron is usually open about things, this email situation is not something he is keen to discuss. I think he just had a method of dealing with client emails that works for him, and he is not about to change it. I don't know. I will bring it up though. Those sound like great ways of comforting your inner kid. take care@ JBR – thanks JBR. I'm sorry you can relate to these bad feelings though. take care

  6. Ellen said:

    @ Paula – thanks for the words of hard won wisdom Paula. It's good to hear you think I have made progress, because sometimes I wonder. But I think it is true. I don't know what it is about Ron, but I seem to feel a lot through this therapy, where I didn't with the others I have tried. I agree it's up to me to comfort the child part of me that is so hurt and struggles so much. Good to hear how you healed your inner kid also. I'm not sure I do try and control therapy though – Ron kind of leaves it up to me, what I'll bring to the session or choose to talk about. He responds, but he doesn't lead ever. Sometimes I wish he would because I feel I don't know where I should go. Love to you also Paula@ Galen – thanks for coming by. I do enjoy your blog and will keep commenting. take care

  7. Harriet said:

    Email with my t is difficult for me. I rarely seem to get the response that I want, so sometimes I just write him emails and I don't send them. My t always answers though, he is good in that way. Interesting that you like Jon Kabat Zinn's voice – I think he sounds like Woody Allen. His voice really distracts me.

  8. Ellen said:

    Hi Harriet – I also write emails to my T which I don't send. It makes me feel calmer, I get to express myself, and I'm not sending an email every day or two, which would be kind of stupid. On JKZ's voice – I wonder if it's his accent which is similar? Dunno…I like the voice. Different strokes. thanks for commenting

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