Turning into a young child seems to have brought some of my issues hurtling to the surface, so I’ve had a rough few days. It seems odd because in the session, this child part only talked about ‘happy’ things, with no whisper of trauma or bad feelings. At first I felt a relief that I had accessed that child part and someone else had seen her. Then I had trouble sleeping (more than my usual trouble), then at work I started thinking about death a lot. Then at home I just lay staring out at my tree.
Thoughts of suicide. That just can’t be a good sign at all. In my case, they’re not a result of being so depressed I want to die. That would be awful, and I don’t think I’d be functional in that situation. They’re more like dissociated thoughts that float through my mind while I’m busy trying to cope with working life. Still not a good sign, and when they start happening, I pay attention and try to do something to help myself.
One thing I tried didn’t work out. My usual method when in distress – email to Ron. One day I wrote it but did not send it. The next morning, I thought I can’t go through this kind of day again, so I wrote another one and sent it off. And it helped. I imagined he’d read it…and for some reason that makes me feel better. Then he still hadn’t replied by the time I was going to bed at the end of the day, so of course I felt anxious and angry. How hard is it to reply to an email, just to say ‘it sounds tough…’ or some such? I knew it was a work day for him, so unlikely he hadn’t received it.
I then just wrote to him saying I was feeling better and he didn’t have to respond to the email. I just didn’t want my unheeded request for a response weighing on me anymore. So of course he didn’t respond the following day either. He never responds unless specifically requested.
I don’t really know what it was that upset me so much. I’ve been doing some crayon art, trying to express the feelings. Then I did a body scan meditation, which is quite long, about 30 minutes, and went through some kind of memories doing that. It helped calm me down just to be able to focus on the feelings, but have the time limit of the meditation CD in place. Plus the reader’s voice is nice and gentle – Jon Kabat-Zinn.
And I sat in the sun for a while. I think the sun is a natural anti-depressant. I didn’t get a whole lot of work done today, but I’m feeling calmer at least.
I do feel somewhat abandoned by my therapist. But I know I have to appreciate people for what they are able to offer, and Ron offers a lot. He’s just not real good by email. I wonder if I phoned him if he’d be as slow to return my call.