I’ve been fairly social, for me, this weekend, and will socialize even more tomorrow it looks like. At the same time I’m remembering things from the past that make me really sad. It’s an odd combination.
Yesterday I went to my 12 step group, and out for tea with them after. I wanted to share a bit of what I was going through (well, why else go really) but it’s difficult. They won’t understand about memories coming back or problems with dissociation. If I had more of a story to tell, it would perhaps be easier, but I don’t know really what the story is to go with the body memories I keep coughing up. So I just share that I’m having issues with the heat in my apartment. Then, discouraged with this stupid topic of mine, I share again, this time that I’m having these memories of my past and they make me feel bad. At least I said a bit about how I was feeling, even if no one could really relate to me. Most people share about stuff from their current life, which is very valid. I’m just obsessed with this remembering process right now, myself.
Tonight I went off with another group for our monthly dinner. It was OK. It’s tough sometimes chatting to people I’ll never be good friends with….There was one fellow there though, and I talked to him a bit after the dinner, whom I realized I really do like and do enjoy talking to. Not quite a friend, but could be one.
With both groups, during the social part, I really started getting depressed sitting there, trying to chat. I started thinking I’d be better off dead. Which is a depressing thought for sure. This isn’t any kind of plan or intention – this is just thoughts. But when they start happening, I want to see what is the cause. And I think I’ve discovered a cause. Which is that I have to stuff down whatever pain I’m feeling and pretend I’m great, so people will like me. When really I’m in the depths of sadness over remembering I was abused as a child.
I’m sure this is what I had to do as a child, when I actually blocked these events out. When I have to pretend now, as an adult, now that I’m remembering this badness – I start to think about death.
It’s actually good to realize that may be what is happening to me, and that’s why I’m having these thoughts. When I left the group tonight, after the dinner, I felt sad, but the dark thoughts stopped. It seems like I need to feel this stuff, and I can’t pretend any more that it’s not happening or never happened.
Unfortunately I need to pretend a lot of the time when I’m with people. I’m not going to go around weeping at work, or with people I know socially. Come to think of it, I don’t have anyone really where I can just say how I feel, if it’s bad. Well, no. Actually I’d say there are three people I could say I’m depressed…but not go into any details really. And there’s Ron. And there’s this blog. And the twelve step group, in the group part, I could share more if I can figure out how to say it.