I never did figure out what caused the emotion after my last session. Getting more sleep did really help with it though. Always I go back to the basics – exercise, sleep, sun, nutrition. They help.
I went to the dentist again for the final time for a few months, and got the crown inserted onto my tooth. A crown is basically a false tooth it turns out – there’s just a kind of stump left of the tooth that died, underneath this plastic tooth. Live and learn new facts I guess.
I’d arranged to call Ron in the evening after the appointment, because going to the dentist brings on body memories for me, and he is going on vacation. We arranged a specific time, 10:30, as he was busy till then.
The dentist appt was shorter than usual, and no freezing, but one x-ray, where I ended up choking but made it through. Things weren’t too bad afterwards either, compared to sometimes. I did have the choking body memories though as usual. I would not have called Ron on my own steam, as it didn’t seem that bad, but since we’d set this up, I called him.
It was interesting. Talking to Ron about how I felt made the feelings a lot stronger. When they’re happening and I’m by myself, I must minimize or dismiss quite a bit. It seems as long as no one knows, maybe they aren’t really happening. Up to a point anyway, if they’re not too severe. But talking to Ron, my voice was shaking as I described how I was feeling, my body was shaking, and I talked from a very upset place. Weird.
I was scared to call the man. But only for a few minutes before the call, nothing like my fear of therapy. Ron was in full therapist mode – deep quiet voice, no background noise, not a social call at all, so no small talk – he just waited for me to talk. I told him about the choking, and also that this memory seems to be from when I was older, because I keep remembering bits and pieces from my life when I was going to public school – riding my bike, the texture of the roads…flashes of things from that time.
He asked a bit about that, and about what it was like to call him. I said I’d thought he might be angry I called…and that I wasn’t sure I could explain what I was going through in a way that would make sense. He was real nice – like I said, completely in sensitive therapist mode. He said I was making sense, and even if I couldn’t explain, there would be value in calling. I’m not sure what the value would be if I didn’t say anything….
After ten minutes I said goodbye. He said he’d see me a week Monday. Which reminded me he’s off next week, which I didn’t want to think about while I was in these memory type feelings. Sigh. That’s a whole other problem for me.
I have no regular memory at all of anything traumatically bad happening to me while I was going to school, so this is disturbing to me. I’m trying not to think about it.
This morning I wake up with a hurt kind of sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that just stays there, or it has until now. As if something bad has happened, though I don’t know what it is. But I’m not in body memories either. I also feel kind of held…that I’m being believed. That part is a good feeling.