Today therapy was OK. It didn’t do any harm, and I like the routine of going every week. Also Ron is the one person who knows about how I actually feel, so I like that.
I did notice what he was wearing this time – striped shirt and khaki pants. Pants pulled up right to his waist in a dorky older person style for some reason. Anyhoo. Looked pale and tired. He must be ready for his week off, which is next week.
I tell him I don’t like hot sunny days, which today is. Then I complain it took him so long to return my email. He says he sometimes picks up email and wants to think about it. He doesn’t want to send back a glib response. Which I can appreciate. Though to tell you the truth, his responses really are just one sentence, and not that complex. I’m not sure I would mind a glib reply, just for the reassurance factor of hearing back sooner.
I would say overall we didn’t connect very well this week. On the other hand, I needed a quiet reassuring session which didn’t stir up anything new, as Ron is going away next week.
We talked a bit about the image I’d had that I described in an email to him. A steel pole is sticking sideways through my body, emerging on both ends. When I dwell on this, I start feeling all kinds of grief. We don’t get any farther with this.
I mention I keep seeing images from when I went to public school, so we talk about that for a bit.
I slipped into one body memory, as I wanted to see what effect having Ron there would have. It was fine – I can switch out of them again pretty fast, and nothing new happened. Then I felt sad, so I just sat for the remaining few minutes of the session. Sometimes I just long for someone to just be with me while I go through stuff, and Ron does do that.
Sometimes I think Ron has more to say than he does, but I forget to ask him, so then he doesn’t say it. I did ask how I get over these memories and stop having them. He said it’s not a matter of stopping them, it’s more listening to what they have to say, that a part of me wants to tell what happened to me, and have me listen and respond. To me it seems I’m kind of stuck in them – they don’t get stronger and they don’t subside. I forget to say that though. I’d like to know what he says about that. I feel I have listened to them, enough already….
I have to again go to the dentist to get an actual crown to replace my temporary one. The temporary one came off, though I wedged it back on, so I have to go in soon. I was moaning about that, as it will plunge me back into flashbacks, and Ron asked if it would help to set up a time to phone him afterwards. It would help me. I felt so pleased he would do that for me. Something in me just lit up when he offered that. So he will be away, but I will talk to him after my dentist appointment. If all works out.
So I leave. He says take care. I say bye and smile at him. Who knows what goes on with therapists. Not me. I forget to say thank you as usual. Wish I remembered to say it.