Angry email

Having a rough weekend so I composed this angry email to Ron, since it must be his fault I feel like crap. Not sending this one….

Ron,

I’m mad you didn’t return my email for two days. How hard is it to reply to a mail? Hit reply, say jeeze that’s rough Ellen, see you Monday? Not too hard is it?

I hate being attached and dependent. Hate it. Hard on me. I want to tell you things but then I get mad when you do not respond.

I had a difficult weekend with memories and I was depressed. I feel like crap really I do. Why can’t you help me feel better? God I pay enough.

And I am embarrassed I sent that email about the pole. Horizontal or not, it’s a phallic image and I’m aware of that, though wasn’t thinking when I wrote to you. It was just this upsetting image I kept having.

And I wish I was dead. I had no suicidal thoughts for a week after the dentist, just body memories. Now they’re back. A part of me wishes she was dead. Cause for concern, at least for me, if not for you, since you put in your fifty minutes and that’s it.

But I like you anyways. You’re very good at following along. Probably have some crazy theories, but I can work with that if you can follow along empatheticaly. It’s a talent you do have.

God, what if I sent this? lol.

Well, I feel somewhat better.

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9 comments
  1. gniz said:

    Good that you let this out. Seems you've been feeling things a lot more. If you truly let things out, eventually they begin to subside. There's a hairline difference between letting stuff out and just dwelling and wallowing in crap.I wouldn't worry about the difference yet if I were you, because you've been apparently holding so much in for so long. But if you're determined to move past stuff, you will. First you let it out, then you move past it and let the old stuff go.It's not easy and not as formulaic as I just made it sound. I'm working at it and struggling too.I'm with you in spirit and here listening, Ellen.Aaron

  2. i think you should take this email in on monday and read it out to him. keep no secrets from your therapist. talk it out. it will be scary but so worth it.

  3. Ellen, I do understand when you say you hate being attached and dependent. It is an extremely painful feeling. Even if you do not share this writing with Ron, I think you should talk to him about your fear of abandonment. He seems to be a good, caring therapist and it might be helpful. I had to bring it up over and over in my therapy. I still do, but not as often. It will get better. It just takes time. I do not get a sense that you are dwelling. I feel fear in your words. None of us want to be hurt again. But, over the years I have learned that none of us are exempt from being hurt…NOT LIKE THE PAST. Even though it evokes the same feeling in us, it IS DIFFERENT. I don't know it this makes sense. But, Here I go rambling again…sorry!Take care!

  4. inamaze said:

    It's good you can write how you feel out whether you show him or not. Although it might be worthwhile to show him. There is a lot to explore in this email. The attachment/abandonment stuff is hard stuff to deal with. It is scary.

  5. Nechtan said:

    Hi Ellen,I do get the feeling that its more important to write the mail than it is to send it. Hopefully its at the very least giving you some perspective on what you need from Ron in relation to what you are getting. Personally I think writing these things out helps enormously.I can understand what you mean about not liking being dependant. But at the same time I would imagine your ongoing time with any therapist is about building a relationship of trust where you can lean on them when you need to. For that and the fact you are paying a lot of money you should not feel guilty. Sorry to hear things have been do bad recently and do hope better days are head.All the bestNechtan

  6. Ellen said:

    Thanks Aaron. Yes, eventually I want to let stuff go, but it's a process. Thanks for listening to me rant and rave. :-)@ Catherine – I'll think about it Catherine. I did mention that I was angry he took so long to respond to my mail… thanks for the good advice. @ Interruption – I understand you I think. The temptation and fear is that the therapist will react to us the way important figures did in our past. But now, hopefully, things are different. I didn't bring up the abandonment stuff this time, but I will in the future. Ron is a good and caring therapist I believe also, nice that you get that impression. take care@ maze – Yes, attachment is difficult. I didn't show ron the email, but I'll talk about it probably at some point. I find writing it out so excellent. take care now

  7. Ellen said:

    HI Nechtan – Yes, I'm glad I didn't send this one. Especially since Ron is basically caring and helpful. And you're exactly right about being dependent – it has it's pluses and minuses. It means the person matters to me, so what they say has an impact. Also opens me to being hurt and to being too sensitive. take care

  8. attachment and dependency can be so painful and humiliating. my heart goes out to you…

  9. Ellen said:

    Yes they can be UC, thank you

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