Oh man, I just phoned the dentist to change my appointment for the crown, and ended up sounding like a kid on the phone. An insecure kid. God I hate that. I’m trying to juggle the appointment so the aftermath of it won’t mess up my life too much, and thinking about that on the phone put me into kid space. I feel like an idiot.
Humid and thundershowers here. It’s OK, I like rain. It makes such a dramatic thundering sound coming down on my skylights.
I’m still going through a lot of body memories and sad grief feelings. It’s new that I cry now when they happen. They used to just happen but I wouldn’t feel much about them. So I suppose that’s progress but I feel like crap. But I’m not dissociated, and I’m not medicating as I’m at home and can let things happen if they want to. Not like being at work where I need to function well enough and look normal. Bursting into tears in my cubicle is just not an option there.
I’ve been reading Push by Sapphire. It’s the harrowing story of Precious, a “fat, ugly” girl from Harlem who is horribly abused by both her mother and father, and is currently pregnant by her father for the second time. It’s really the extreme end of sexual and other kinds of abuse. Precious finds a path out of the confused horror of her life through her intense desire to learn and a connection she makes to Blue Rain, her new teacher at an alternative high school. Slowly she learns to read and write, and through being able to write starts to be able to express herself and how she feels and sees the world. It’s interesting that it’s through self-expression that she starts to find a path out. And through a relationship with this teacher.
Precious’ voice is raw and poetic and captivating. Took the book to work though, and that was a mistake, as it triggers me, and I need to not think about abuse related things while there. Made me super anxious. Note to self – escapist type books only are suitable for work!
Well, compared to Precious, my abuse history is completely tame and middle class. Also compared to many others whose blogs I follow. We each have our own pain though, and it’s fruitless to compare really.
It’s amazing that Precious has the kind of inner resources and determination to build anything from the ruins her parents have created. That’s a golden kind of courage, so while it’s a horrifying story, it’s also kind of inspiring.