Bits and Bobs

Oh man, I just phoned the dentist to change my appointment for the crown, and ended up sounding like a kid on the phone. An insecure kid. God I hate that. I’m trying to juggle the appointment so the aftermath of it won’t mess up my life too much, and thinking about that on the phone put me into kid space. I feel like an idiot.

Humid and thundershowers here. It’s OK, I like rain. It makes such a dramatic thundering sound coming down on my skylights.

I’m still going through a lot of body memories and sad grief feelings. It’s new that I cry now when they happen. They used to just happen but I wouldn’t feel much about them. So I suppose that’s progress but I feel like crap. But I’m not dissociated, and I’m not medicating as I’m at home and can let things happen if they want to. Not like being at work where I need to function well enough and look normal. Bursting into tears in my cubicle is just not an option there.

I’ve been reading Push by Sapphire. It’s the harrowing story of Precious, a “fat, ugly” girl from Harlem who is horribly abused by both her mother and father, and is currently pregnant by her father for the second time. It’s really the extreme end of sexual and other kinds of abuse. Precious finds a path out of the confused horror of her life through her intense desire to learn and a connection she makes to Blue Rain, her new teacher at an alternative high school. Slowly she learns to read and write, and through being able to write starts to be able to express herself and how she feels and sees the world. It’s interesting that it’s through self-expression that she starts to find a path out. And through a relationship with this teacher.

Precious’ voice is raw and poetic and captivating. Took the book to work though, and that was a mistake, as it triggers me, and I need to not think about abuse related things while there. Made me super anxious. Note to self – escapist type books only are suitable for work!

Well, compared to Precious, my abuse history is completely tame and middle class. Also compared to many others whose blogs I follow. We each have our own pain though, and it’s fruitless to compare really.

It’s amazing that Precious has the kind of inner resources and determination to build anything from the ruins her  parents have created. That’s a golden kind of courage, so while it’s a horrifying story, it’s also kind of inspiring.

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8 comments
  1. It's great that you are able to cry when the emotions and feelings come up. That's good. Well, at least that's what people tell me. I've never been able to release my emotions like that. In the past I would either binge or go for a grueling run or something. It's amazing how some people, like Precious, can have those inner resources and cope with so much trauma. I know we're all different, and we all experience trauma on various levels, but I sometimes feel so ashamed that I'm struggling so much know when I can't pinpoint a huge chunk of trauma in my life – and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty ..- Mike

  2. Ellen said:

    @ UH – Crying is not easy for me either, as I was brought up to keep emotions to myself. I bet you too could learn to cry…which seems a funny thing to wish for someone, but there you go. I do feel better if I can cry, and there is lots to cry about to be honest.Ashamed of not having enough trauma…hm…what's wrong with this picture. I guess we can always find something to beat ourselves up about. Precious is a work of fiction, for sure. I actually am doubtful that a child raised entirely without nurturing and without any resources at all could make it, I think she is more of a figure head for the author to make various points about oppression…But still I got a lot out of reading it. I am glad you do not have a huge chunk of trauma in your life Mike…you have enough to deal with as it is. take care

  3. i love that book. i had a chance to meet the author when i worked for new york public library. she is a remarkable woman. i don't know if you've seen the movie of the book. it is also very good. the librarian in me is so happy that you love to read.

  4. Paula said:

    Ellen, your progress is wonderful. Exhausting, tiring, but wonderful. Love that you can cry and release and feel more. It isnt how tame or middle class a trauma is. It is a trauma which pains and terrifies. There are things which I know, read or observe on/off where I know I would not be traumatized by. Yet this doesnt changes the fact that another person is traumatized. I have watched Precious as movie and cried through the entire movie. I felt humbled that I could cry and feel compassion and not just run away and turn my head as I used to do. Much Love

  5. "I'm still going through a lot of body memories and sad grief feelings. It's new that I cry now when they happen. They used to just happen but I wouldn't feel much about them. So I suppose that's progress but I feel like crap. But I'm not dissociated, and I'm not medicating as I'm at home and can let things happen if they want to."This is HUGE!!! I feel for you so much, i dont want anyone to be in pain but being able to feel [pain] is a wonderful thing. wonderful but so so painful.

  6. Dear one sorry for the body memories. Safe hugs to you Ellen.

  7. Ellen said:

    @ Catherine – She must be very interesting. Didn't know you were a librarian Catherine – interesting. Yeah, I'm a bookworm from way back. A lot of what I read is escapism though, but also more complex things sometimes. @ Paula – thank you. It is progress, but is still difficult. I agree with you about kinds of trauma. I'll have to watch that movie sometime too…@ UC – OK, I'll take your word for it that it is wondeful 🙂 Thanks very much UC, take care@ JBR – thanks JBR. hugs to you

  8. So, I skipped the book (reading too many things at the moment) and went right to the movie. Such a good story, and I was amazed too how she was able to overcome so much. It was a bit unrealistic though just how much she had to deal with. Anyway, I hope you're weekend is going well. – Mike

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