My days have been a struggle this week since I fell into that memory at therapy Monday. I was depressed and somehow whatever it is was pressing down on my and making me feel so bad. This morning I was so down, I didn’t make it in to work until 10. I told them I’d had a headache and had to lie down. Not far from the truth – I just couldn’t function well enough to get there. Feelings of blackness are worse than a blinding headache actually.
What helped me is I wrote Ron an email describing what I remembered and how I was feeling. I don’t know why, but that really really helps me to move through the experience, even though I still don’t really know what it is. By lunchtime I was feeling almost calm, and I managed the afternoon pretty well also. The feeling of calm is still there this evening. It’s as if I was able to digest something and emerged OK after it.
I’d asked Ron to reply that he got the email, and I’d expected him to, as he has in the past. He usually just says some little thing. However, no reply from him. I feel a little hurt, but it’s OK. Maybe he is not in his email today, though he usually is. Who knows. I just want to hold on to this feeling of calmness and peace and not worry about Ron. I guess it’s my idea of talking to him, even if he doesn’t hear, that helps me.
It’s like the feeling of when you’re very ill, say with fever, and then the fever recedes, and you’re left feeling grateful to be alive, to feel sun and breezes, and enjoy ordinary things. That’s what I feel like. Still shaky from whatever this was, but like I came out on the other side.