Sun

My days have been a struggle this week since I fell into that memory at therapy Monday. I was depressed and somehow whatever it is was pressing down on my and making me feel so bad. This morning I was so down, I didn’t make it in to work until 10. I told them I’d had a headache and had to lie down. Not far from the truth – I just couldn’t function well enough to get there. Feelings of blackness are worse than a blinding headache actually.

What helped me is I wrote Ron an email describing what I remembered and how I was feeling. I don’t know why, but that really really helps me to move through the experience, even though I still don’t really know what it is. By lunchtime I was feeling almost calm, and I managed the afternoon pretty well also. The feeling of calm is still there this evening. It’s as if I was able to digest something and emerged OK after it.

I’d asked Ron to reply that he got the email, and I’d expected him to, as he has in the past. He usually just says some little thing. However, no reply from him. I feel a little hurt, but it’s OK. Maybe he is not in his email today, though he usually is. Who knows. I just want to hold on to this feeling of calmness and peace and not worry about Ron. I guess it’s my idea of talking to him, even if he doesn’t hear, that helps me.

It’s like the feeling of when you’re very ill, say with fever, and then the fever recedes, and you’re left feeling grateful to be alive, to feel sun and breezes, and enjoy ordinary things. That’s what I feel like. Still shaky from whatever this was, but like I came out on the other side.

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5 comments
  1. Memories are so difficult to deal with as they come at "inconvient" times, not that there is any time it is. I know how difficult this is. Hang in there.

  2. It's great that you're able to email your therapist. Being able to connect in that simple form can have a profound impact, as you've found out. I'm glad you're feeling better. :)- Mike

  3. Ellen said:

    @ Clue – Yes, that's exactly right. There is no good time, but some times are more problematic than others. Nice to meet you!@ Mike – Thank you. Yes, email can be a good thing, except when awaiting a response….Can you email your T?

  4. Ellen,I agree with some times being more problematic than others. There was one time at the mall that I kneeled down and started screaming. Luckily, my husband was with me and helped me calm down and stay grounded.Another time, I did the same thing and we were able to get to go on the bus first!! LOL.Work and sleeping were the most difficult times for me.Take care,Clueless

  5. Ellen said:

    @ Clue – Those do seem like problematic occasions Clue! Work and sleep are difficult for me also – work because I'm kind of trapped for specific times…Sleep because who gets to sleep when there's trauma lurking? take care

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