I feel like a bad person in so many ways. This morning I am consumed with guilt. Here is an explanation of my crimes.
1. I pathetically miss Ron and feel abandoned. I ruminate on whether to send one of the many emails I wrote him while he was away but didn’t send. Will I feel worse or better if I send it? He likely wouldn’t respond until late at night or tomorrow, would that feel OK? How pathetic will I be if I send an email, when I want to be strong and independent and allow him his time off?
2. I do little work. I can work at home, but I get depressed at home – my emotions take over too much, and I don’t do much. I’m getting paid for completely goofing off. I hate myself.
3. I am using and misleading a friend. I invited my friend T over for dinner again. This time we did kiss a bit, and things got somewhat romantic. He is sweet. But so shy and so slow. He suggests things we might do together in the future and I don’t want to do any of them. I like him for company, so I won’t be alone. I like the physical contact. But I don’t want to spend a lot of time with him, or talk to him a lot, or see any future.
We watched a DVD, Harry Potter, and held hands. I could let my kid side out, so at the scary bits, I groaned and held his hand tightly, so I wouldn’t be scared, I complained about characters I didn’t like, I booed the bad guys. Very satisfying.
I’m totally using him.
4. I am not phoning and visiting my mother, who is fighting to overcome the worst health crisis of her life. I should be up there cooking, cleaning and providing cheery company. Instead I avoid. I must go there today though.
5. I am not phoning my son, who started a new job and whom I’m worried about. It is stressful calling him, so I avoid. Must do this today.
6. I read kids’ books now, instead of adult. I like the quests the kids are on, to prove themselves, to emerge out of childhood into adulthood. And my kid part likes these stories, and can’t relate to adult fiction. I’m regressing.
7. I failed to vacuum my house, and it looks frightful. I’ve also failed to plant flowers for my balcony. And to buy a table for it. I am lazy and irresponsible and can’t complete any simple task.
8. And I am a bad bad bad bad person altogether.
Art: Julie Taymor