Woke up this morning at 5, heart pounding, full of fear. I try diving further under the covers, I try flipping on some music for calm. Nothing helps, so at 6 I get up. I have a firm breakfast routine, so by the time I’m half way through it, I feel a lot better. And an extra half hour is welcome in the morning after all, even if I’ll be tired today.
I’ve been listening to more music lately. I used to have it on mainly in the background, but now I like to just listen and breathe. I find that really calming often. I can breathe, listen and kind of drift. It’s a way to practice feeling that is pleasant. Having music to listen to prevents some of the dark thoughts, and feeling things is OK.
Feeling things takes away the anxiety for me. The anxiety is on top, the feelings underneath. Not feeling is being in my head. My body and the world seem two-dimensional and a bit unreal. Feeling brings me back into my body – I feel I have a back as well as a front, I have legs as well as a head, and sometimes I can feel my heart.