I went out to three different things this weekend, as I thought I should be social and not isolate and obsess. But I ended up with bad anxiety at all three events. I’m just too strung out or something to be able to talk to anyone I guess.
Friday I went to the 12-step group. Not a success – there was a dance in the next room and the music was so loud we had to go to a cafe, and things didn’t go well there either. The leader was in a bad mood, and didn’t talk to me the way he normally would. A woman who I’ve met but is kind of new was there, young and fairly attractive, and all the men talked only to her. They may have been welcoming her, but it’s a familiar scenario for me. It doesn’t matter, just I was feeling so damn anxious and insecure. I excused myself and took a pill so I could stay at the meeting, then left as soon as it was over. I’d thought this particular person liked me, as he’d talked to me quite a bit on other occasions, and that night he no longer seemed to. Sound familiar at all? Yes it is my pattern.
Saturday I went out with a shyness social group for their monthly dinner. This was OK for a while – I was actually more outgoing than usual and people were responding to me better. Then afterwards on the way for coffee the anxiety hit again, cramping my stomache. I stayed for a while sipping tea, but started feeling more and more fear, for no good reason really. The stress of socializing I suppose. So I left a little early, kind of panicking in the subway, but doing some breathing and listening to music got me through.
Today I met a friend to go to a light afternoon movie (Bridesmaids). I was OK talking to her before hand, especially as I could talk a bit about the anxiety I’d been having and the therapy I’m trying. Also she has similar problems as I do with her family, needing to stay away from them, so she talked about that for a bit. Then we joked around and talked about everyday type things, and it was OK. But when the movie started, my anxiety started up, and by the half-way point, I really really wanted to leave. My emotions were all turned around. I felt desperately sorry for every character that was being laughed at, and just wanted the mishap prone main character to get the good guy and be happy. Which wouldn’t make a very interesting movie. I again took a pill just to be able to remain in the theatre, and rushed home as soon as the movie was over.
I seem to be falling apart. Most social interactions make me feel so much fear I can’t remain in them. Why is that?
Feeling that Ron doesn’t like me is really overwhelming. It must be tied to my past to be that strong and disabling a feeling.