Anxiety days

I spent the last few days anxious but not depressed. After my last therapy session I felt that Ron didn’t like me, and it made me feel kind of frantic. I depended on him to like me. So of course I can’t sleep without the sleep med, and wake up every morning at 5 with heart pounding. Oh well. The first few days I took a lot of (for me) xanax just to cope with being at work. But today I’ve kind of calmed down thank goodness. It is very nice not to be depressed, and the anxiety is manageable again, just popping up here and there.

I figure how likely is it that he dislikes me? Not that likely. He’s doing his job the way he thinks is best, and that’s changed since I’ve been going to see him, that’s all. He’s more attentive now, but less friendly basically. Seems to be a trade-off. It’s stupid really, my being so upset. I blame it on my single life. If I was involved with someone, all my energies would be taken up by worrying about what they were thinking I’m sure. I’d still be suffering, of course, lol.

I wrote a couple of emails to Ron but didn’t send them thank goodness. I don’t need the aggravation of waiting for him to respond, which would again make me more anxious. Writing them was kind of therapeutic enough. He is going away for several weeks this summer – every long weekend he is taking the week off, starting week after next. Sigh. I just want to go every week for therapy and not worry about it. But then when I do go it worries me anyway, so what’s the difference really.

I’ve been thinking about this whole issue of whether addressing the relationship with the therapist is a waste of my time and money. This is how I see it. If by addressing it, I was really only addressing this one person and what they do, that would be a waste of my time. But if I’m trying to work out what’s him and what I bring to it, or if the way I feel about him has to do with my father and how I may have felt about him in the past, then it’s worthwhile. If addressing this teaches me how I act in general towards men, then it’s worthwhile. If Ron is genuinely being a bum, then it’s a waste of time and I will leave.

I’m scared of Ron, but then I’m scared of men if they get close. I feel Ron doesn’t like me sometimes, but then, I surely felt my father didn’t like me when he was pretending I was invisible. I tend to feel people don’t like me in general, more than others seem to. Ron is about three or four years younger than I am, so I don’t automatically see him as a father figure. But maybe that kind of dynamic is operating anyway. We were talking about my family and about my father in the last session after all. I struggled so much to talk.

At one point, I saw an image of my family shutting me up in a manhole. I am sitting at the bottom, and they are peering in at me from the top, with the light behind them. They have the lid of the manhole partially lifted, and are going to put it back in place.

It’s a scary image, the more I think about it. It’s as if I can’t breathe around my family, as if they are closing me in. Ron said it was an image of oppression. Also repression. And then one more pression which I can’t remember. Not depression. What was it?

In other news, this city is a gorgeous as she gets at the moment. All the magnolias, cherry trees, tulips and other flowering entities are in full bloom, and it’s the first warm and humid day we’ve had. I dug out my sandals and summer clothes from the crawlspace and took my first sandalled walk of the year to the grocery store.

  1. gniz said:

    Ellen, I feel for you. Having a family like that is really not easy. Second-guessing yourself is never fun. I've been anxious lately myself. It's the worst. But it does happen. Hey, life is definitely a puzzle sometimes. But here we are trying to solve these little mysteries, and if we can let go it can even be enjoyable! It's not forever anyway, we have a limited time to try and understand what's going on around here…Then again, my guru always told me that the journey is infinite so no need to rush anything. Another mystery.

  2. Ellen said:

    Thanks Aaron. Yeah, not knowing what's going on is not fun, and I seem to be in that position a lot of the time. I'm sorry you have also been anxious. I like your guru's words of wisdom. take care

  3. Nechtan said:

    Hi Ellen,It does read like the therapy at the moment is having an adverse effect with the anxiety. I wouldn't think for a moment its easy to open up and then just put it all back in until next time.That manhole image must have been scary. Gives me a shiver just thinking about it. Whatever other pression it was they are surely all linked by one emotion: fear. And no wonder. No wonder also that if it manifests that way you must feel very uncomfortable around your folks.Not sure what the best solution is with Ron. I would only say that I can't see anyway forward until you are at ease with him because to me it seems like you are having to fight a battle on two fronts which must be exhausting and confusing.I do hope you find a solution to that and that in turn it brings a level of peace.All the bestNechtan

  4. Ellen said:

    Hi Nechtan, Yes, therapy did make me horribly anxious this week. I really feel for anxiety people like you now, because I didn't realize anxiety could be so bad. I'm used to a milder version. But this anxiety is so fierce.You're right I have to get more comfortable with Ron. I actually emailed him to tell him that's what I'm going to work on next time. Because it's crazy trying to open up to someone I'm basically scared of. It just won't work. The good thing about all of this though is that I'm not avoiding the scary situation, as I normally would, instead, I'm trying to deal. Thanks for the kind words.

  5. diver said:

    Yeah, it's unlikely he dislikes you. You come across as a pretty nice person on your blog Ellen, which is surely a reflection of you for reals. Then there's the fact you're a valued client who basically puts food on his table. So he probably not only likes you but values you as well. You've got good reason to be scared of men I think. Obvious antecedents. Also, having enjoyed growing up with three daughters, two sisters, and my wife's wide circle of female friends I've discovered that females are actually a nicer species than males. I could count the ways but won't. Suffice to say my 'insider knowledge' does rather make me wonder if your fear of men is less irrational or unhealthy than you may think.Family? Huge question : are family ties an illusion? Still working on that one.

  6. I have spent a lot of time wondering what my therapist was thinking about me and trying to figure out the relationship between us. The more I progressed through therapy I started realizing what bothered me about our relationship was what bothered me with most relationships. Anxiety is really awful and I hope yours calms down.

  7. Ellen said:

    @ diver – thanks diver. Your comment cheered me up, as long as I was able to believe Ron does like me anyway. Which was quite a few hours. Thanks for the compliment. However 'nice' I might be though doesn't mean a specific person likes me. Sorry, I'm depressed. Well, so women are better? He he. You could be right about that. :-)@ maze – that's a really good point, and you've learned it through experience too. Thanks for the kind words. Anxiety is a fierce foe I find.

  8. Was it 'suppression'…although repression is similar. However, I think one is done consciously and the other unconsciously. I am not sure. I do think it is normal for us to want our T to like us. I do hope this works out for you.Take care.

  9. Ellen said:

    @ Int – it may have been suppression – I can just remember there were three things. That would fit. It is normal isn't it? Thanks 🙂

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