We’ve had a series of grey and windy days here. There are some fat buds on bushes and trees, but none have popped yet, so the branches are still bare and whip around in the wind. This evening I didn’t even have eggs, so had to walk the ten minutes to the grocery store to get something for supper. I was reluctant to go out at first, but on the walk back I started noticing the sun was peeking out between the massive cloud banks now and then, and the temperature was actually not too too bad, and I could enjoy the way the light hit just the roofs of taller buildings.
It’s good sometimes to be forced out of the house against my actual desire, as the walk did me some good, and seeing other people, and watching what kind of food they got. There are others out there after all.
I’ve been working from home today. The work does not interest me much, so it’s difficult to make myself put in the hours. I do my best to get some things done. As no one really seems to notice how much or how little I accomplish, motivation is just not very strong.
I’ve fallen into a bit of a hole by evening. It’s very good that I can sleep longer in the morning, so at least I’m not sleep deprived. And I can rest whenever I need to, or do some reading if I wish, or go for a walk, or listen to music. Really it’s good.
Perhaps I’m lonely. I don’t know. Or suffering from half-remembered things that make me despair. It’s sad to have been mistreated as a tiny child. That sounds so trite, but there is just an immense sadness around these memories. Deep pools of unshed tears really. And not being able to properly remember what it is I’m sad about – is kind of strange really.
Also I’m worried about blog privacy. My email attached to this blog is Yahoo, and a few days ago I noticed that there was a link in my email ‘Updates’ saying receive updates from My_Name, and I clicked the link, and it took me right to my blog. Now I’m worried others might have received this link. It’s my general account, so I email my family, sometimes business, Ron, friends, from it. It would be really bad for me if they got a link to my blog.
I’ve now blocked this ‘updates’ feature, but I’m worried about this link business. I’m hoping I just received it because I am linked to my blog. And commenters might get it, which would be OK. But I need my blog to remain anonymous for fairly obvious reasons. This is very personal stuff that I don’t want people in my life to have access to. It’s not my public face. It’s me being as crazy and despairing as I feel like being at the time.
And now that I started worrying about it, it occurs to me that Ron has made a few comments about ‘privacy’ with kind of a stern expression. What if he got a link to my blog? Horrors. I just assume that just a few people who like me or have similar issues read this blog, and the rest of the world does not care one tiny bit about it. I’m hoping that is true.
If anyone has information on how this Yahoo updates feature works, maybe you could enlighten me? I may need to move the blog elsewhere.
And perhaps there is no issue after all and I worry just because that is my habit.
I feel a lot better about therapy today than I did on Monday. I know I am in a struggle with myself here. Because of who he is, I get into these personal struggles with Ron, which I never did with other therapists I saw for a while. I just never cared about what they thought, beyond getting unbelievably irritated with them for being stupid. Though one was clever, but actually I still didn’t much care what she thought either. With Ron, everything is a drama.
He is in fact being kind and interested, while I am not very forthcoming in my sessions with him. I vary that with falling into younger ages and becoming massively upset, at which point I snap at Ron and treat him badly. And yet he is still neutral at least, if not overjoyed at being snapped at.
Wanting someone to like me is inhibiting for sure. My better nature does not emerge when I get into upsetting memories, so I attempt to stay away from them. I think though I’m going to get a grip on this need to be liked. I am paying him, not to like me, but to help me. Just need to remember this.
I do feel that Ron is on my side, and on the side of the child I was, and I feel this deeply, and I appreciate that very much.