We’ve had a series of grey and windy days here. There are some fat buds on bushes and trees, but none have popped yet, so the branches are still bare and whip around in the wind. This evening I didn’t even have eggs, so had to walk the ten minutes to the grocery store to get something for supper. I was reluctant to go out at first, but on the walk back I started noticing the sun was peeking out between the massive cloud banks now and then, and the temperature was actually not too too bad, and I could enjoy the way the light hit just the roofs of taller buildings.

It’s good sometimes to be forced out of the house against my actual desire, as the walk did me some good, and seeing other people, and watching what kind of food they got. There are others out there after all.

I’ve been working from home today. The work does not interest me much, so it’s difficult to make myself put in the hours. I do my best to get some things done. As no one really seems to notice how much or how little I accomplish, motivation is just not very strong.

I’ve fallen into a bit of a hole by evening. It’s very good that I can sleep longer in the morning, so at least I’m not sleep deprived. And I can rest whenever I need to, or do some reading if I wish, or go for a walk, or listen to music. Really it’s good.

Perhaps I’m lonely. I don’t know. Or suffering from half-remembered things that make me despair. It’s sad to have been mistreated as a tiny child. That sounds so trite, but there is just an immense sadness around these memories. Deep pools of unshed tears really. And not being able to properly remember what it is I’m sad about – is kind of strange really.

Also I’m worried about blog privacy. My email attached to this blog is Yahoo, and a few days ago I noticed that there was a link in my email ‘Updates’ saying receive updates from My_Name, and I clicked the link, and it took me right to my blog. Now I’m worried others might have received this link. It’s my general account, so I email my family, sometimes business, Ron, friends, from it. It would be really bad for me if they got a link to my blog.

I’ve now blocked this ‘updates’ feature, but I’m worried about this link business. I’m hoping I just received it because I am linked to my blog. And commenters might get it, which would be OK. But I need my blog to remain anonymous for fairly obvious reasons. This is very personal stuff that I don’t want people in my life to have access to. It’s not my public face. It’s me being as crazy and despairing as I feel like being at the time.

And now that I started worrying about it, it occurs to me that Ron has made a few comments about ‘privacy’ with kind of a stern expression. What if he got a link to my blog? Horrors. I just assume that just a few people who like me or have similar issues read this blog, and the rest of the world does not care one tiny bit about it. I’m hoping that is true.

If anyone has information on how this Yahoo updates feature works, maybe you could enlighten me? I may need to move the blog elsewhere.

And perhaps there is no issue after all and I worry just because that is my habit.

I feel a lot better about therapy today than I did on Monday. I know I am in a struggle with myself here. Because of who he is, I get into these personal struggles with Ron, which I never did with other therapists I saw for a while. I just never cared about what they thought, beyond getting unbelievably irritated with them for being stupid. Though one was clever, but actually I still didn’t much care what she thought either. With Ron, everything is a drama.

He is in fact being kind and interested, while I am not very forthcoming in my sessions with him. I vary that with falling into younger ages and becoming massively upset, at which point I snap at Ron and treat him badly. And yet he is still neutral at least, if not overjoyed at being snapped at.

Wanting someone to like me is inhibiting for sure. My better nature does not emerge when I get into upsetting memories, so I attempt to stay away from them. I think though I’m going to get a grip on this need to be liked. I am paying him, not to like me, but to help me. Just need to remember this.

I do feel that Ron is on my side, and on the side of the child I was, and I feel this deeply, and I appreciate that very much.

  1. I am glad you feel that Ron has the best interest in mind for you and the little one. Here listening dear one. Safe hugs.

  2. gniz said:

    Hey Ellen, I'm not sure why you got that link to this blog…but if you are concerned you can set this blog to be locked and private and just have us email you to ask for the passcode?And you could also check with someone you know and trust in your email address book to see if they ever received such an email linking to this blog?Just some thoughts, I'm sure its fine.

  3. Ellen,It is so sad, all of this being treated badly as a child. Tragic,really.I wishall the tears would all just cry and be a river and be finishd with it.I don't thin you ougt to worry about the privacy of our blog. Sometimes I get that feeling too and my brain goes, OMG if anyone ever read this, i would have to move to Iceland and start my life over. But really, we are just a plastic sack in the ditch on the side of the internet highway.I thin you've got a handle on this Ron thing. You seem to be "weilding" him now as a therapist who is there to help you on your way. Crossing into that land of the past is Alice going down the rabbit hole. You can do it, Ellen. PS Treat yourself to some foie gras.

  4. Paula said:

    Here and listening. I remember how deep and exhausting this mourning for my lost childhood was. It has however helped me to carry on. I suppose it always will be a sort of hurting spot, yet I am not filled with despair anymore. Love and hugs

  5. Ellen said:

    @ JBR – thank you JBR. hugs@ gniz – yeah, I could check with someone. I've considered the passcode idea…don't really like it because for me, it always stops me from reading a blog – i never get the passcode. But it would provide some security, so it's a thought. Thanks@ Flannery – he he, I would also need to move to Iceland, or maybe to Newfoundland…I would cry for a month, if that would be the end of it. I really would. Even two months. I've never tried foie gras…I worry about the geese, but there's a fake kind apparently. I'll treat myself to an Easter Bunny though and hope you'll do the same. Thanks for the kind words@ Paula – It is deep and exhausting. Good to hear you came through out the other side, thank you Paula. Hugs

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