I had to go to the dentist on Friday for a cleaning. Anything to do with my mouth lands me with flashbacks, so I’ve had a difficult few days.
The hygenist was OK – she was pleasant at least. I’d say she wasn’t that effective actually – when I got home, there were still bits of something between my front teeth. She was very gentle but it was the end of her day and week – maybe she is more thorough at other times.
I’d taken a xanax so I wouldn’t choke and panic, and when I got home I just laid down and dozed for a long time.
The flashbacks are a kind of choking and gagging. I can’t feel or remember the whole assault that happened to me, just these fragments. I feel a kind of inner devastation at the same time. Sometimes I try to cry, but it’s difficult to do. I guess I feel a lot of shock, which perhaps I felt at the time this happened to me.
I again feel like I’m falling into a deep hole, that I’m a tiny child, and that I’m desperately alone. I don’t feel safe enough to cry really. I just lie down, curled up, and wait. Not sure for what.
Sometimes I picture kind helpers who are there with me. I picture the Buddha, glowing and compassionate. He’s calm with all that is, and extends compassion. Jesus sometimes is there. I also picture Ron, kind of soothing and safe. Not that Ron is on the same plane as Jesus. Hmm….He is the only person who has helped me with flashbacks, so I like picturing him there. Also Mary, and perhaps Kuan Yin.
It’s a very lonely thing to happen. I think of calling someone, but how can I explain what’s happening to me? I can say I’m depressed….
When I was so small, I suppose I wanted someone to tell, someone to comfort me. I still feel that. It’s still a puzzle – who to tell? Who can help?
Picture: The sun got tangled in some trees around the corner from my house.