I had to go to the dentist on Friday for a cleaning. Anything to do with my mouth lands me with flashbacks, so I’ve had a difficult few days.

The hygenist was OK – she was pleasant at least. I’d say she wasn’t that effective actually – when I got home, there were still bits of something between my front teeth. She was very gentle but it was the end of her day and week – maybe she is more thorough at other times.

I’d taken a xanax so I wouldn’t choke and panic, and when I got home I just laid down and dozed for a long time.

The flashbacks are a kind of choking and gagging. I can’t feel or remember the whole assault that happened to me, just these fragments. I feel a kind of inner devastation at the same time. Sometimes I try to cry, but it’s difficult to do. I guess I feel a lot of shock, which perhaps I felt at the time this happened to me.

I again feel like I’m falling into a deep hole, that I’m a tiny child, and that I’m desperately alone. I don’t feel safe enough to cry really. I just lie down, curled up, and wait. Not sure for what.

Sometimes I picture kind helpers who are there with me. I picture the Buddha, glowing and compassionate. He’s calm with all that is, and extends compassion. Jesus sometimes is there. I also picture Ron, kind of soothing and safe. Not that Ron is on the same plane as Jesus. Hmm….He is the only person who has helped me with flashbacks, so I like picturing him there. Also Mary, and perhaps Kuan Yin.

It’s a very lonely thing to happen. I think of calling someone, but how can I explain what’s happening to me? I can say I’m depressed….

When I was so small, I suppose I wanted someone to tell, someone to comfort me. I still feel that. It’s still a puzzle – who to tell? Who can help?

Picture: The sun got tangled in some trees around the corner from my house.

  1. Ellen,This is sad to me. I feel for this little girl who seems alone, scared. I can relate with the wanting to cry and not being able to and the not having anyone to tell. That is the loneliest place of all. It's a good thing that you have Ron and that there seems to be a relationship of trust building there so maybe in the future, at your own pace, you will be able to share this with him.And you are not alone….we are here. (((Ellen)))

  2. Ellen, I am so very sorry for the flashbacks. Fear is certainly not fun to deal with. Here listening and safe hugs to you.

  3. gniz said:

    Ellen you're telling us–and we're listening.Truly.Aaron

  4. Em said:

    so so sad. im appreciating ellen that you are writing this down it helps. i understand some of what you are saying, feeling. hugs to you, you brave soul x

  5. Ellen said:

    Thank you dear commenters for your support. I appreciate it very much.

  6. Paula said:

    Ellen, listening to you. Right in your corner. Little Ellen needs to be heard and accepted by Big Ellen…..Hugs to you

  7. Ellen said:

    Thank you Paula and JBR.

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