Thanks to all who commented on my last post – I’ll respond when I’m feeling better. I have fallen into this really fearful place tonight. I am so afraid. I did trust Ron. But how do I know who is trustworthy? I totally can’t tell. I really cannot. And is it normal to be afraid of a therapist? I was so afraid before and during our last session. And he really just wanted to talk about other things. Was it because I’d hurt his feelings? So to do that, I had to choke back what I was feeling at the time and talked about what he wanted to talk about. That’s just a little strange I think.
I tend to be attracted to men who have issues, who are deeply wounded themselves. While I’m in this, I can’t see it. I wonder if I have done the same thing in picking this therapist. It hurts very much to think it, because I wish to trust that someone is there to help me. And of course I didn’t pick him for his looks or sex appeal, but he did appeal to me nevertheless.Which could be such a bad sign.
It’s difficult to be helped by someone I am very afraid of. I don’t know. It’s true that the intensity of the fear makes it seem it’s a feeling from the past, as Ron said. I don’t know if I can work with someone and fear them at the same time.
The female therapists I did have trouble feeling at all attached to. But this is overwhelming me, all this fear. And the fact that he wasn’t honest about how he felt. For me that’s just typical of what men do. My blog readers excepted. They lie about how they feel in order to get what they want. What would Ron want? To feel like a good therapist. To feel that he is in charge. If something about me really hurt him he’d want to cover it up.
Some of the fear was brought on by a discussion I had with a friend who phoned me. She is in her thirties, very pretty, but with issues. She told me my ex-boyfriend, Mr. Wrong, who is in a group I used to go to, started sending her invites to various events, basically going after her. She now goes to this group. She doesn’t know we were ever together. My heart just dropped when she told me about it. He is still doing exactly what he did with me. He most likely still has the steady long time girl friend who he says bores him, and he’s going after other women in that group in the exact way he went after me. It really hurt me to hear that. She just said she found him strange and refused his invitations.
This guy is really really bad news. And I truly loved him. I knew he was kind of strange, but I just couldn’t see it after I fell in love. She instantly saw he was weird and just got rid of him.
Now that was dating, and this is therapy, and they are two very different situations. But I know I cannot see if a man is strange or a good person. Whether therapist or date. I just cannot see it. I want with all my heart for Ron to be a good person and to be a good therapist. I want someone to trust and someone to help me. I like him. But this amount of fear is so hard. And him lying about how he felt is just not a good sign for me.
I’ve tried doing a body scan meditation, which usually calms me down. I’ve taken half a xanax. I’m trying writing it out, and I’m sorry for anyone reading this because likely I’m not making sense. I’ve thought of phoning Ron to tell him how scared I am. But that doesn’t make sense as part of what I’m scared of is him. Or he’s triggering the fear. Or something.
People who suffer from high anxiety all the time – I don’t know how you can possibly cope. This is just the worst feeling.