Fear 2

Thanks to all who commented on my last post – I’ll respond when I’m feeling better.  I have fallen into this really fearful place tonight. I am so afraid. I did trust Ron. But how do I know who is trustworthy? I totally can’t tell. I really cannot. And is it normal to be afraid of a therapist? I was so afraid before and during our last session. And he really just wanted to talk about other things. Was it because I’d hurt his feelings? So to do that, I had to choke back what I was feeling at the time and talked about what he wanted to talk about. That’s just a little strange I think.

I tend to be attracted to men who have issues, who are deeply wounded themselves. While I’m in this, I can’t see it. I wonder if I have done the same thing in picking this therapist. It hurts very much to think it, because I wish to trust that someone is there to help me. And of course I didn’t pick him for his looks or sex appeal, but  he did appeal to me nevertheless.Which could be such a bad sign.

It’s difficult to be helped by someone I am very afraid of. I don’t know. It’s true that the intensity of the fear makes it seem it’s a feeling from the past, as Ron said. I don’t know if I can work with someone and fear them at the same time.

The female therapists I did have trouble feeling at all attached to. But this is overwhelming me, all this fear. And the fact that he wasn’t honest about how he felt. For me that’s just typical of what men do. My blog readers excepted. They lie about how they feel in order to get what they want. What would Ron want? To feel like a good therapist. To feel that he is in charge. If something about me really hurt him he’d want to cover it up.

Some of the fear was brought on by a discussion I had with a friend who phoned me. She is in her thirties, very pretty, but with issues. She told me my ex-boyfriend, Mr. Wrong, who is in a group I used to go to, started sending her invites to various events, basically going after her. She now goes to this group. She doesn’t know we were ever together. My heart just dropped when she told me about it. He is still doing exactly what he did with me. He most likely still has the steady long time girl friend who he says bores him, and he’s going after other women in that group in the exact way he went after me. It really hurt me to hear that. She just said she found him strange and refused his invitations.

This guy is really really bad news. And I truly loved him. I knew he was kind of strange, but I just couldn’t see it after I fell in love. She instantly saw he was weird and just got rid of him.

Now that was dating, and this is therapy, and they are two very different situations. But I know I cannot see if a man is strange or a good person. Whether therapist or date. I just cannot see it. I want with all my heart for Ron to be a good person and to be a good therapist. I want someone to trust and someone to help me. I like him. But this amount of fear is so hard. And him lying about how he felt is just not a good sign for me.

I’ve tried doing a body scan meditation, which usually calms me down. I’ve taken half a xanax. I’m trying writing it out, and I’m sorry for anyone reading this because likely I’m not making sense. I’ve thought of phoning Ron to tell him how scared I am. But that doesn’t make sense as part of what I’m scared of is him. Or he’s triggering the fear. Or something.

People who suffer from high anxiety all the time – I don’t know how you can possibly cope. This is just the worst feeling.

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11 comments
  1. Man, I really feel for you, Ellen. It sounds like you are so stressed that you can't trust anybody! You're second guessing everone and their motives. I'm praying for you and supporting you in any way I can. You'll get through this and it will be clear on the other side.Courage! Flannery

  2. gniz said:

    Oh man, I just wrote a HUGE post that got eaten by the blogosphere. Into the void it went. Damn. I was really on a roll there, Ellen, I swear!Anyway, I need to summarize cuz I can't possibly write it all out again.1. Ron seems okay and probably trustworthy but maybe not a "perfect" fit2. It's not the end of the world if you need to find a different therapist3. Even if you trusted Ron 100 percent, you NEVER give over your autonomy to anyone4. Always speak up and try to let him know how you feel, if you can5. You might be reading a bit too much into what you think his mental state is (for instance you're convinced he lied about feeling criticized)And lastly, try to remember that these are all just thoughts. Thoughts are great and can be very helpful, especially when we are in a balanced, calm state. But when I get overanxious and fearful, my thoughts become much less reliable.Recognizing when i am falling into that unbalanced, anxious state is important. Knowing at some level that my anxious thoughts are not "real", not the entire story, is important. At the same time, I don;t totally dismiss them either.I try to work through them, analyzing them, while also trying to bring my body back into a calm state. However you achieve this is up to you–I use breathing, but many things work. Including taking a warm bath! Or snuggling in a blanket. Looking out the window.Calm down, give yourself a break, and realize these are anxious thoughts. It will pass. when you are more settled, you can further analyze how things are going and what are the next steps.Give yourself a pat on the back and don't be so hard on yourself!

  3. Ellen said:

    Wow, I really lost my mind there right on my blog. You commenters are so kind, thank you very much. I'm now out of that anxiety state thank God. @Flannery – You were right on Flannery, I did get through it and have calmed down. I went completely paranoid. Thanks for the kind words and prayers. @ JBR – thanks, i really appreciate the thought.@ gniz – Oh, I hate when the blogosphere eats comments! That's happened to me too, but I'm glad you could recreate what you did. I agree with you entirely – thoughts in an anxious, um paranoid, state aren't at all reliable. Even though they may have bits of truth mixed in. I was actually so afraid that nothing much I tried really worked…but writing things out does help me. And looking out the window – yes. It's amazing the kind of tangle I can get into sometimes. And yeah, I'm reading way to much into Ron's mental state – you never know how someone else feels unless you ask and they are honest. I will feel very bad if I have to once again leave therapy and look yet again. I am at least feeling a lot in Ron's office. Just have to be able to tolerate that.Thanks for the insights as always Aaron.

  4. diver said:

    Hi Ellen. So sorry to read you've been on the anxiety rollercoaster lately :-/ I think you're a gutsy lady to keep working the problem like you do. I'd have probably fled at the first panic episode with him … over-selfconscious wretch that I am.Ron certainly does seem to be trying hard to understand you, but as Aaron suggests, maybe you and he just aren't a good natural fit, not on the same 'wavelength'? Not yet anyway. I'm wondering too, if the both of you might be struggling with the wretched transference thing, which may also partly explain the misfit. Do you suppose you could be accidently (ie unconsciously) projecting some of your old father figure issues onto Ron … stuff about winning approval and proving your articulation and yearning for more encouragement, approval, and guidance from your Dad? If so it may explain some of the crossed connections and the trust and anxiety issues that are being thrown up; also may be pointing out a direction you need to work on with Ron … by which I mean, a need to talk to Ron about your relationship with your father. This may just be something you've gotta air and work through before you can move forward with him as a therapist?

  5. Ellen, so sorry. I was afraid of many therapists. Even in the trauma therapy I run away 4 times! Yet the desire to get better asked me to return and each time I did. For me trust had a lot to do with looking at myself first and learn to trust myself, including sometimes needing to take the risk of being disappointed, hurt. I learned by try and error. We havent had this guidance in our childhood instead our innate trust with which we are born got destroyed. It feels like it cant be rebuildable. The way I feel about myself now – I start trusting myself or I would not have dared crossing the pond. Today I am here for 3 month. I often questioned my decision by now. Yet I KNOW that these doubts and questions arise because of my former habits and are NOT part of the habits I am forming. Being aware of it does helps me. Love to you

  6. It's awful when there is much anxiety and fear going on. Hopefully you will be able to explore why the fear is happening so strongly. I'm glad that you are able to write how you feel and that it helps. Hope you are feeling better.

  7. Ellen said:

    @diver – Thanks for the compliment Sir! 🙂 I can always use those. Transference – could be. I'm pretty sure the fear is feelings from my past anyway, since he is not a fearsome individual. Yes, I will want to work on it, since talking through a mask of fear is extremely uncomfortable. We'll see. thanks for the insight.@ Paula – The desire to run is very very strong. Interesting that you were the same. I also at the same time wish to heal if at all possible, though the fear is so intense at times. It is a huge and trusting decision you made to immigrate, and I admire you for it. thanks for telling me your story. hugs@ maze – Thank you dear maze. I am now feeling a lot better than I was that night. take care

  8. Paula said:

    Returning to see how you are doing. Love from my heart to yours.

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