Warming

I am stuck at home with another cold. This one is milder than the last, and I didn’t need to take time off work sick. I would have liked to go to my 12 step group tonight, but will stay home and nurse the cold.

I miss therapy. I also miss other people. I seem to be forever sick and just able to do the basics, where a social life is expendable.

I am still in a kind of peaceful place after my traumatic week last week. I’m thinking now it is a sense of relief after re-experiencing a memory in therapy, even though it was just the edges of it. If I lie down, often my stomache or my chest and throat will start to feel warm. It’s a nice feeling, like the feeling you get after you’ve been ill, where you’re just tired, but no longer feverish, and life seems OK again. My feet also are getting a lot of warm blood pumped into them, which is totally unusual.

When I have to cope with everyday life, like going in to work, then I again get stressed and things become difficult. But when I relax, I’m sometimes filled with these warm spots. I can just lie around, not doing anything. Usually I’d want to read, or watch TV or a movie. I’m not used to lying around just staring out the window.

I’m not worried so much anymore that I might have fallen in love with my therapist. He’s not causing how I feel. Though I do associate him with comfort. Don’t know why, as he wasn’t helpful last session. But even when he totally misses the boat, he does something right. He’s empathetic I suppose. He seems to be on my side, and not on the side of the people in my past who hurt me.

This is childish, but this is how I sometimes think. He’s a grown-up, and they were grown-ups, so he would automatically back them up. And then he doesn’t, he’s on my side, and I’m surprised. Even when he doesn’t really understand what is happening. I guess this thought is really a kid thought – myself as a child.

It makes me feel less entirely alone. One of the effects of abuse is a feeling of being entirely alone on this planet. I guess because no one helped me at the time I was abused, I concluded that I was entirely and utterly alone in the world. That’s a scary feeling for a child. And for an adult.

So lying around not getting much done is OK. I don’t feel completely and utterly alone. A warm feeling sometimes is quite nice.  Things are OK.

Art: Fractal Bargain Bin

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7 comments
  1. Hi Ellen, I'm sorry you are sick again. Yep, abuse does make you feel like you are all alone in the universe. But it's nice that you can feel good today and not feel bad about feeling good.You must have a good view out of your window. And don't forget, you are not alone…we are here.

  2. Hello Ellen, your post reminded me of 'Warming the stone child' Not sure if you heard of it [its on my blog if you want to listen to it]sounds like your body is rising again, after being burned. Like the phoenix, but this time it is warming up, it is starting to be filled iwth life. Warmth. energy. It will take time, but sounds like you are on your way, although very very painful :(gentleness your way

  3. Em said:

    hope your cold gets better soon, they can sure drag you down. xxxx

  4. gniz said:

    This is a very positive post Ellen. Rooting for you, happy for your efforts and I know you will continue to feel better.Aaron

  5. Ellen said:

    @Flannery – Thank you! You do understand. The view out the window – lol. It is very important to me. It's two thirds sky, so I can see clouds and weather going past, and one third rooftop and tree. It's a lovely peaceful view and it does me good. @UnmotheredChild – That's a good description and I hope that is what is happening. I've started listening to that series of talks – very interesting, and she has a lovely voice. Thanks for posting that. Thanks UC@Em – thanks Em. I'm on the mend, hope you are well.@gniz – Thanks Aaron for the kind words. It is positive isn't it. Huh.

  6. When I have to cope with everyday life, like going in to work, then I again get stressed and things become difficult. But when I relax, I'm sometimes filled with these warm spots. I can just lie around, not doing anything. Usually I'd want to read, or watch TV or a movie. I'm not used to lying around just staring out the window. Ellen, I can so relate to the above. You go girl! I read strength in your wordsHoping you feel better soon dear.

  7. Ellen said:

    Thanks as ever JBR. Nice you can relate to me.

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