I am stuck at home with another cold. This one is milder than the last, and I didn’t need to take time off work sick. I would have liked to go to my 12 step group tonight, but will stay home and nurse the cold.
I miss therapy. I also miss other people. I seem to be forever sick and just able to do the basics, where a social life is expendable.
I am still in a kind of peaceful place after my traumatic week last week. I’m thinking now it is a sense of relief after re-experiencing a memory in therapy, even though it was just the edges of it. If I lie down, often my stomache or my chest and throat will start to feel warm. It’s a nice feeling, like the feeling you get after you’ve been ill, where you’re just tired, but no longer feverish, and life seems OK again. My feet also are getting a lot of warm blood pumped into them, which is totally unusual.
When I have to cope with everyday life, like going in to work, then I again get stressed and things become difficult. But when I relax, I’m sometimes filled with these warm spots. I can just lie around, not doing anything. Usually I’d want to read, or watch TV or a movie. I’m not used to lying around just staring out the window.
I’m not worried so much anymore that I might have fallen in love with my therapist. He’s not causing how I feel. Though I do associate him with comfort. Don’t know why, as he wasn’t helpful last session. But even when he totally misses the boat, he does something right. He’s empathetic I suppose. He seems to be on my side, and not on the side of the people in my past who hurt me.
This is childish, but this is how I sometimes think. He’s a grown-up, and they were grown-ups, so he would automatically back them up. And then he doesn’t, he’s on my side, and I’m surprised. Even when he doesn’t really understand what is happening. I guess this thought is really a kid thought – myself as a child.
It makes me feel less entirely alone. One of the effects of abuse is a feeling of being entirely alone on this planet. I guess because no one helped me at the time I was abused, I concluded that I was entirely and utterly alone in the world. That’s a scary feeling for a child. And for an adult.
So lying around not getting much done is OK. I don’t feel completely and utterly alone. A warm feeling sometimes is quite nice. Things are OK.
Art: Fractal Bargain Bin