Attached


How can I get unattached, once attached? This is what I wish to know. I’m now feeling attached to my therapist Ron. I’m not enjoying the experience. How did he do that? Just by being kind and interested? Or what?

It’s not a fair experience. He is not attached to me. It’s a one sided attachment. It’s completely unequal. And any power resides with him who is not attached.

These last two ladies whom I saw, if briefly, for therapy, didn’t do that. Or I didn’t do that. I didn’t think about what they thought from one session to the other. If they cared or not, what their theories might be, if they even knew I was alive between sessions – all this I blissfully didn’t care about one tiny bit.  And I’ve seen Ron for a much shorter time than I did them.

I was unattached. Quitting therapy was not a difficult decision, once it seemed to me they weren’t helping me. I was basically relieved not to have to go back to them once I quit. If I were to quit therapy with Ron, it would be a huge decision and I would feel a lot of loss.

Perhaps I only attach to men. I do have a few women friends, but friendship doesn’t have the intensity I’m talking about.

The feeling is not the same as a crush. I think with  a crush, there would need to be some element of hopefulness that a relationship could develop. It’s more a need for a person….a fear they will leave…a feeling that what they think is crucial. Even that for me to feel safe, this person must approve of me.

This leaves the attachee (moi) in such a vulnerable place. I do not like this feeling. It’s like not being in charge of my own destiny somehow.  Ron goes away for two weeks and I hate it. When really, I only met him in January. Two months basically. We’ve met about six times I think. Not at all a long acquaintance. 

Art: Fractal Fan by Ivailo

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7 comments
  1. diver said:

    Hi Ellen. Maybe it's not 'attachment', just some transference phenomena working its strange magic? Perhaps if you research 'transference' on Google you'll find a way to detach, or even better, to use the phenomena to your advantage? Here's a link to get you going. It may interest you. If Ron has a psychoanalytic background he'll be aware of transference already, and will be open to talking about it. Supposedly it's something the therapist and client need to work through and move beyond before a therapeutic relationship can achieve its best potential.Been enjoying your swirly pics (fractals?) for awhile now. As usual, your graphics are sublime 🙂

  2. Attachment of this kind can be so so painful. So pain ful 😦 I am sorry you are experiencing this pain :(I am not sure if it might help you any but sometimes it helps me to read up about things that i struggle with. A friend of mine struggles hugely with the transference within the attachment to her therapist and she has found out that this feeling comes from 'way back there' when she was a baby. Primitive envy and melanie klein can explain more if you want to google it.But of course we are all different so it might not resonate with you. Sorry I cant be of any more help, its not easy when the therapist goes away.

  3. Paula said:

    I know this feeling of attachment far to well. Ellen, by now I am married to the man I once was ever so dysfunctional attached to. Means one can get un-attached. Awareness and acceptance does help me. Attachment however I see it differently though. It is your trauma who makes you vulnerable and enables you to become attached. Not the attachment makes you vulnerable. Attachment is just another symptom of the trauma. Thinking of you. Paula

  4. Ellen said:

    @ diver – Glad you like the pics. I think this one is lovely also, but can't take any credit other than swiping it from it's site. Sometimes I think you can read many themes into swirls, so they seem apt. That's great info from the link – very clear and makes sense. Wow. I was kind of shocked when I read about this. I know about transference, but hadn't been applying the concept to my situation. Ron is a psychodynamic therapist, so he would be using the relationship to him as part of the therapy I suppose. I'm still trying to make sense of this situation – it's only just occurred to me that this is happening. Thanks for the insight!@ UC – It is somewhat painful, thanks UC. I guess I've just become aware of this attachment, and I'm kind of stunned by it. Surprised. I may look into Melanie Klein, I have never read anything by her, thank you. @ Paula – That's really interesting Paula. But at least you attached to someone who could care for you back! The feeling could be related to the trauma – I don't know anything about this aspect. Well, good to know you worked through the unhealthy part of the attachment. take care

  5. Paula said:

    He cares for me NOW. We had the most painful co depended and controlling on and off relation for 5 years in which he cared for one thing only. I know looking at me and not him, helped me, Distracting me immediately when I started analyzing his feeling or the lack thereof. I was often very hard on myself, even more often in tears. Yet I learned to detach and get more attached to my inner self, to the core of my being. Love and hugs

  6. Ellen said:

    @ JBR – thank you JBR.@ Paula – Really interesting to hear. Thanks for telling me that. Hope for my future perhaps.

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