I’m still feeling battered and bruised from the therapy session on Monday. Yesterday I had to be in at work and it was a nightmare basically. I kept thinking about death…I had a few meetings and must have been giving off just a black aura. At lunch time I phoned a friend, D, who was busy. I told him I was having a bad day, very depressed, and hung up as he was doing other things.

I felt a little better just from that tiny call. Sometimes just letting someone know how bad I feel helps. I kept wondering if he’d call me back. He did eventually call me in the evening,  which was kind.

In the afternoon, I remembered my emergency pills, so took a half. Ah…better. The thoughts of death stopped for a few hours, and when they returned, I took another half a pill.

Packed into the subway like a sardine on the way home…that didn’t help my mood any. At home I went right to bed. Being able to lie down and not having to cope helped. I just drifted and felt feelings, breathing. I was sad, but no longer completely desperate. I thought about calling Ron, and ended up deciding not to. We’re not on good terms, in my mind at least. Also I wasn’t thinking straight, and thought he would be angry if I called.

My friend D called me back at that point and asked how I was doing. So kind. I was kind of crying, but I could talk. I told him I was going for therapy and it made me feel like crap. This friend is not a therapy kind of a guy, but he’d actually been helping a friend with a social work assignment recently, so he started going on about what this book said – the need to grieve, and re-integrate into society, or something like that. I just laughed that he would have anything to say on that at all. I told him I’d had a bad session and the therapist really hadn’t been much help. Or any help whatsoever. We don’t go into details, as he wouldn’t understand, but it helped so much to have someone on the phone who was concerned enough to call me, and who hung out on the phone for a while with me.

He said I should have some dinner, and I said I didn’t need to eat because I had chocolate, the organic kind with ginger…Oh yeah, that’s a good supper, he said, and we kind of laughed.

After that I felt better. I am more relaxed, so no longer feeling the massive anxiety. But I’m down. 

Today I spent a lot of time lying in bed looking out the window. I have a sliding glass door in my bedroom that overlooks the veranda, so I have a good view of tree-tops and roofs. It was OK to just drift, kind of peaceful actually. I can’t usually lie and do absolutely nothing for hours, but today I had no problem doing that.

I’m working from home, and did do a few hours work, but I’m waiting on a document, so there’s a lot of leisure time.

The main cause of all this is the memory I kind of fell into during the session. Then the fact that Ron was unable to be helpful made it a little worse. I guess I’d kind of idealized him. He does have charm, and I like him as a person.

What he thinks and how he feels seems a little too important to me. Really, this is about me. Whether he thinks I’m crazy, or hysterical, or boring…that should not be the centre of the story for me. It’s me that’s trying to deal with all this pain. Really, I deserve credit for that, as a kind commenter pointed out to me. I am trying to work things through, which is a good thing. I’m going to keep telling myself that, because I’m feeling as if I did something rather shameful or unpleasant by going into that memory at all. But I did not do anything wrong. I’m paying Ron to help me – instead I’m worried he’s judging me.

And then I’m hoping he doesn’t actually think any of those things, and then I fear he does. Sigh. It’s an endless loop which I’m going to stop looping on.

When I first came into the session, and he looked so pre-occupied, I wish I’d said something about it. Now I’m thinking maybe it was me – I was very anxious when I went in. Was he worried about me, or startled or something? I was wearing an unbecoming checked shirt – did he hate the shirt? Just to show how ridiculous my worried thoughts are. The only way to know would have been to ask.

Well – it hurts. The ‘WTF does Ron think’ issue is a side issue. It’s my past that’s hurting me.

  1. Ellen, I was going to just read your entry and go on but I came back to post a comment. You are very brave and I think you are making a lot of sense. Ron needs to listen to you and let you feel and talk-even be silent in therapy if you need to be because you've got some major memories coming out there. I hate to think of you alone and not having anybody there for you. I'll be thinking and praying for you. Courage!

  2. gniz said:

    "I was wearing an unbecoming checked shirt – did he hate the shirt?"I feel it must be this, lol.Seriously though, I can tell just from reading you recent entries that you're working hard and getting through a lot of deep-seated stuff.It's always an up-and-down process. I'm personally going through a rocky patch myself.It's hard when I feel sad and anxious and I'm the type that obsesses and lashes out at people close to me. It's not a good feeling…But what I do is come back to the techniques that have helped and worked in the past, and just remember that this period will life, the fog lifts, and then good things appear–the more patient I can be and the more I can allow myself to feel and relax into this, the quicker the rough patch tends to subside.You are kicking ass, Ellen, don't let anyone tell you differently! And you're not alone in this, people do care, including us blog friends. Take care.Aaron

  3. gniz said:

    Lot of typos in the above post, sorry its early morning here 🙂

  4. Paula said:

    Ellen, hugs and love to you. You are doing hard work. Unfortunately approaching the core of the pain means you will feel much worse. It is part of therapy working through all the things suppressed. When not suppressed anymore the pain just hit.Yes, he is your therapist and yes, you pay him. We all have something in common with our therapists – we are human. Even the therapists. My therapists team apologozid at times to me and I have improved, outgrown the pain. Learned that therapists are human too. Even more though some of them sleep with a teddy just like I do :-)))) I dont know whether he was preoccupied or not, YOU judged him. Whether HE judged you is a complete different story. You dont know.Ellen, please be kind and caring to you. I feel the expectations you ha on yourself as well as him are sky high! Setting yourself up for disappointment. I feel you are motivated and dedicated. I feel observing yourself is more important then observing him. Wonder whether you know the bookCodependency – the dance of wounded souls.Ellen give yourself and him a break! You are welcome to call me anytime. Will send my mobile number asap. Hugs

  5. Ellen said:

    Thank you dear commenters!@ Flannery – Thanks for the kind comment. I'm relieved I'm making sense to you, as I was feeling kind of crazy. And it is a major memory. And one of the worst things for me is having no one to tell…And I appreciate prayers. Take care@ gniz – Oh, if only I had worn the black scooped neck one! All would be different. :-)Sorry to hear about the rough patch…you also obsess and lash out? It is a struggle isn't it. The obsessing is so counter productive, but we can't stop doing it. I like your technique but can't do it. I really appreciate the support Aaron. You are awesome. In case you ever wish to write about what you are going through, do write. My email is eileenn88 at hotmail dot com. Or not. You don't spill your guts in public the way I do, so I can't return the favour of support, which I would like to do. I'm always interested in the little bits of yourself you do talk about – makes me feel less strange and alone. @ Paula – Thanks Paula. It makes sense the way you describe the pain of therapy.Co-dependency is not a huge issue for me as far as I know. I don't run around trying to change people to get my needs met. I do fear judgment to an extreme degree, which is a symptom of social anxiety. I actually think it is a reasonable wish that my therapist would recognize and respect a memory that I'm grappling with, and support me a I try to do that. I felt let down when he wasn't able to do that. If he continues like this, I will leave the therapy because that is not acceptable or healthy for me.Yes, therapists are human and make mistakes, for sure. I do understand that. Thanks for the kind thoughts. I'm glad things are going well for you. Take care

  6. Ellen here supporting you during this difficult time. ((((Ellen))))

  7. Nechtan said:

    Hi Ellen,Your friend, D, is a treasure. It is good to have that kind of support and it sounds like you have a great understanding relationship- it certainly helped your mood which is all you can ask for.I'm just amazed how well you hold it all together even if it doesn't feel like it yourself. You are out there working and going through therapy. Both of these things must be tiring when running in tandem yet you keep on going which is impressive- I will admit I couldn't do it.Only you will know whether Ron is the right guy to take you forward. It reads like a real rollercoaster of emotions you go through in these sessions. Makes me wonder whether for the sake of a longer term goal it wouldn't be worth therapists keeping it light on therapy and leaning more towards trust building in the early part until the bond is there to start exploring further. I think that trust is maybe the most vital part and worth establishing first and foremost but then there is of course the finances to think about in doing so.All the bestNechtan

  8. I'm glad you have a friend who was able to talk to you. I have had sessions where I know my t has had a bad day or has missed the mark with me. There are times when it has made me angry or hurt. I have learned to bring this up with her in the next session otherwise it will continue to bother me. I usually write how I'm feeling about the session soon after I get home and I give what I wrote to her to read.I think the relationship is hard work in itself and you are certainly doing hard work.

  9. Im sorry you felt battered and bruised by your therapy session I can relate to this feeling. hope next session will be more soothing sincerelyx

  10. Ellen said:

    @ JBR – Thanks JB :-)@Nechtan – Yeah, it's good to have a friend. On the working thing – to tell the truth, very little got done last week. Luckily it's very slow at present. Though when I had to go in, it was so tough. Yeah, I did manage it though didn't I.You're right on the money I think about trust. Which is interesting, as you yourself don't go for therapy. Interesting that you can know this… Thanks Nechtan@ UC – Thanks and so nice to meet you. Thanks for the kind words…

  11. Ellen said:

    @ Maze – Sorry Maze, forgot to reply. Having a friend to call is so so so helpful to me, even if he doesn't actually understand the details. Just to be able to say – I feel like this, that helps me. I've written it out and will bring this to the next session. Good to hear your experience with this. Take care

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