Things are somewhat difficult and somewhat good, all in a mix, and that sums up life a lot of the time doesn’t it? I woke up this morning to new snow everywhere (bad as it’s March for heaven’s sake). But it started melting and I do have new patterny rubber boots to wear, so puddles are no longer a problem (good).
I have been getting along better with all kinds of people, which totally surprises me. For instance, I had another dental appointment Friday. The dentist is a flashbacks trigger for me, unfortunately, so I am scared of going, but must go of course. I always take a xanax (the wonder drug), for one thing to help me, but also to calm some of my startle and gag reactions so the appointment goes more smoothly. Up till now, I’d assumed the dentist didn’t like me…A few appointments ago, I’d ended up crying in the damn dentist chair, after they’d tried so many times to take a difficult x-ray and I’d gagged and gagged and they couldn’t get it….I’m difficult.
This time, me feeling relaxed by the drug, the dentist and I exchanged a little talk about the rain, then I asked her how she was spending her time off, as she’d started working only two days a week. Bingo. She told me this heartfelt story about how she was finding it difficult to fill her time, that her husband was wanting her to take the time as she’d had some friends that had passed away, but she loved her work…It was very interesting. And she was interested in telling me all this.
Then, when she left the room, the dental assistant started telling me her story, how she was a nurse in China, how difficult it was to get qualifications accepted in Canada, etc etc. It was also interesting to me. But also, it just seemed they didn’t hold my being difficult against me, but wanted to chat with me. It was a really good feeling and made the appointment less stressful than usual.
I don’t know if the therapy I’ve been doing is the cause, but my relationships with people in general have become a degree or several degrees warmer. And we haven’t talked about this at all in an actual session.
That’s the good.
The bad is how I’ve been feeling when by myself. Um…bad. One thing that’s happened is that I become very very anxious now when I’m home by myself. That’s new. I’m used to working alone and spending lots of time alone. Now all of a sudden, that’s when I’m hit by fear.
This morning that happened to me. First I thought I’d distract myself by watching a chick flick (While you were Sleeping with Sandra Bullock). I kind of enjoyed the mindless movie while at the same time still feeling all this fear and getting nauseous. I thought I’d get out of the house, so took some gravol and went to the cafe to read the paper.
When I was among people, things calmed down and I felt OK. Then I came home, and the fear came right back.
I think there are flashbacky feelings there underneath the fear, so I lay in bed for a while trying to feel whatever it was. That did calm the fear, but I ended up feeling really like crap. Feeling those feelings is just the worst thing. Or is the fear worse?
If this anxiety happens when I need to work, I’ll need to medicate or get nothing done.
Tomorrow I go for therapy so I will talk about the fear. I always hope I’ll hear the answer – do this that or the other, and you will be fine. It’s never like that though. Probably I’ll have to talk about things I don’t wish to talk about and feel things I don’t wish to feel. I’m definitely going to try and feel while I’m in the session.
Ron is going away for March break, so I’ll miss a session after that. I wish he was staying. I wish I didn’t feel dependent.
Good and bad as promised.