Purple

I’ve been feeling worse rather than better since my therapy session last week. Sigh. Grrr….For this I am paying my money???

Plus, I’m now nauseous and again feeling like crap. I seem to have picked up some other virus. Also very fatigued.

Well now I feel a bit better, what with complaining non-stop.

For me, therapy always feels bad. Unless I stay away from any painful topic, as in my last go-around. I have a friend who absolutely  loves therapy and says she’d go all the time if she could afford it. Not me. And it’s not that I don’t like Ron, either. I like him fine.

For me, any talk of the abuse I went through as a child just kind of devastates me. I end up feeling I’d be better off dead than alive. And I have worse flashbacks than ever. And it’s difficult to function.

Probably I should try and feel some of this in the actual session. In the therapy session, I just described a bit what had happened, but didn’t really get into my feelings. I’m always kind of trying to limit the damage of the session, as I know I’ll be on my own with all of it once I get home. 

What I want is some way of working in therapy where I feel stuff while there, but then fade to normal when I’m home. I’d settle for a day’s hangover say. But then back to normal, even though normal is not so wonderful for me. Still, I’ll take it. That’s what I want. Doubt that’s what I’ll get though.

I think the theory is you feel the bad stuff, then it stops coming back to haunt you in the form of flashbacks and in other ways. But I’ve never yet gotten to the point where that happens, so from my perspective,  I’m continually paying money to make things worse than they were.

Art: Fractal Art Gallery

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9 comments
  1. gniz said:

    I don't know Ellen…I understand that this must feel so brutal to you. But the fact is, therapy doesn't create any of this, or make it worse. All of this stuff is there already. It happened to you and you're dealing with it. Bringing it to the surface can only be healthy at this point.I do think you need to slowly learn now to FEEL this in the moment and allow yourself to go through it so you can eventually move past it.For every two steps forward you'll likely feel like you've taken a step back. But it will get lighter again, and you'll feel better again. You should definitely talk more with your therapist about the after-effects from therapy and how to better manage it…

  2. Ellen said:

    Common sense I needed to hear. Thanks Aaron. It's true I don't pick this stuff up in therapy – it just sometimes feels that way. It's just kind of rough at the moment. Feeling is not a fun thing for me at all. Cheers

  3. gniz said:

    The tritest saying perhaps, but one of the truest in my experience:"This too shall pass."Sometimes the good passes quicker than we'd like, but remember–the bad time will pass too–maybe slower than we'd like. But it will, and you'll feel lighter again.You're doing great, really.

  4. Ellen said:

    Thanks Aaron. I am feeling a lot better than I was, now that it's been a week since therapy. But tomorrow I go back, so it'll start over. Reset. I'm whining. Thanks for your caring comments, they do help.

  5. Nechtan said:

    Hi Ellen,I can't imagine for a minute going through your childhood is easy to discuss. I can't imagine it is easy to let go of pulling back. But I can imagine to open up would be a massive step, like a point of no return so its understandable that there is a great apprehension there. Sorry to read you have been feeling unwell. Don't know about you but I find its diffcult to self-diagnose between bugs and anxiety are they are so alike and you get rundown the same. Whatever it is I hope you are picking up now.I think therapy is a difficult thing. My short exposures to it have never been easy and left me feeling crap after. Can't give any thoughts on that but I do hope you find a way to make them work better for you or Ron finds a way to ease you along.All the bestNechtan

  6. Ellen said:

    @JBR – I truly appreciate the listening ear and safe hugs…it's just what I need when it hurts. Thank you. @ Nechtan – Yeah, it's not an easy thing, for me anyway. I also find it difficult to tell anxiety and illness apart – often they feel just the same. With this nausea, I really don't know. It's a symptom of anxiety or stomach problem….I think your exposures to therapy have been with people who are a bad fit, frankly. I always hope you will persevere until you stumble across someone who is on your wavelength and can help you. I've been there too, with therapists I didn't like, and it's definitely not a good experience. I believe I will find a way through somehow with Ron, as you say. It's still pretty early days in getting to know him and how best to work with him.Thanks 🙂

  7. Hi Ellen, I think it is courageous of you to do therapy. It really is. Does the therapy you have have a specific name? It doesn't sound to CBT to me, which is something I specialize in. In my opinion, people with anxiety does necessarily have to dig up their past; instead they should look hopefully to the future, armed with many social techniques. But that's just my view (I've seen it work for many!)Take care and good luck with your therapy.

  8. Ellen said:

    Welcome to my blog Benjamin. I'm doing psycho dynamic therapy. It's definitely not CBT. I do appreciate your opinion as valid. However I'm not doing this therapy for SA, it's for PTSD, which is a worse problem for me. I'm not at all sure how changing my thoughts would help with flashbacks for instance – would I tell myself they are irrational? Been doing that all my life… The idea in this therapy is to make the experiences of the flashbacks turn into regular memories, which means having to feel them first. Unfortunately.

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