What I will talk about

Today I am going back for a second session of therapy. I want to jot down quickly what I want to do, so I don’t forget as usual.

I’m really tired today, so things are a challenge. I overdid the physical activity yesterday, and I always seem to have to pay for that with interrupted and tense sleep. Nice day yesterday though – I walked to a friend’s to pick up a pass to the art gallery we bought togehter, and had a tea and a chat. Walked back and bought a shovel, as my walks are not being cleared. Shoveled the walk and drive when I got home.

Then off to the art gallery with a friend, so that was another few hours on my feet. Then out to dinner, and a walk half way back home. Way too much. I felt that I was getting really stressed after about an hour at the gallery, but instead of making plans to end the outing and relax at home, I automatically concentrated on continuing with our plans and spending time with my friend. By the time I got home I was kind of dissociated, and couldn’t sleep. Sigh.

It’s so difficult to tune into myself and take care of myself, instead of doing this coping thing in order to continue, and then paying the price later. However, that’s what I want to learn to do. I know I can’t do a lot of physical activity without dissociating – I need to keep it gentle. It’s hard – I want to be like everybody else.

Today I am working from home, and there is not a lot of work, so it is an easy day.

At therapy, I want to talk about my anxiety about seeing this therapist, and that it is a familiar feeling to me. And how distressed I become when he doesn’t reply to my email, even though it is only about changing an appointment.

Also, because we are having trouble finding appointments, I want to schedule the next ones right at the start of the session. He seems to become irritated with trying to schedule appointments – that’s clearly a part of his job Ron doesn’t enjoy. I haven’t really had this problem with other therapists – it’s kind of interesting that it’s such an issue with this one. So if we use my session time to tackle this, instead of taking time at the end to discuss, at least I won’t feel like I’m taking his time.

It’s as if all Ron’s responses to me are super important to me, which I know is silly. However, unfortunately that’s how I feel at the moment.

I think anxiety about talking to him is enough of a topic. I’m not getting into the other troubles of my life until I have handled this one. It seems like for whatever reason the stakes are high for me with this individual. And talking about other painful topics is too much when I’m kind of afraid of the person.

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3 comments
  1. gniz said:

    If he continues to be unresponsive and irritated at things like making appointments then unfortunately it may be time to find yet another therapist.But remember, it isn't easy to find someone really skilled to work with, so don't take it on yourself. It's a process, and you will eventually find someone.

  2. Nechtan said:

    Hi Ellen,I found what you said about activity and how it effects you interesting. I get this with a lot less activity, a hell of a lot less. And because of that I still cannot convince myself the tiredness is anxiety. I feel so washed out sometimes that I question how someone can run a 26 mile marathon and not feel like I do after so little physical activity- things that at a time past I took in my stride. I was going to write a post about it. The only indicator I have had in a positive sense, ie leaning towards who draining anxiety is, was Claire Weekes who mentioned patients who were bed ridden with it they lacked so much energy and how it is brought about by the tension in the body anxiety creates.I think the issue you have chosen to address first is definitely the right one. Only when that is resolved can you move on to other topics. So I do hope that goes well and you gain some clarity from that. It does read like Ron might be a good fit long term and if that turns out to be the case then the searching will have been worth it, I do hope so.It is good to read you keep pushing on. Consequence holds me back. As you know, from reading this post, its not easy pushing on when you know what it is going to physically cost later but you seem to be getting close to acceptance of that which is no bad thing. Its so hard for others to understand just how hard it is when you know what lies ahead and do it anyway to know you are at least doing all you can regardless of the after effects of doing it.All the bestNechtan

  3. Ellen said:

    @ Gniz — Hi Aaron. We worked the scheduling out this time, and he didn't seem irritated. It turned out that he was getting his wisdom teeth out the day after I sent my email, so he said he was off-line. Which I accept. Thanks for the commnent. @ Nechtan – I totally know what you mean about the tiredness. I'd had no idea it was actually anxiety, until I started taking some mild tranquilizing type medications. I noticed that I'd feel exhausted, but I'd take one of these (actually half a one) and all of a sudden, I'd perk right up! Very strange, as the tranquilizers are supposed to make you tired. That's what first started me suspecting the fatigue was actually anxiety in disguise. Very very surprising to me. There are emotions underneath the anxiety which I don't know how to feel, I believe at this point, so I shut my whole system down with massive fatigue. Not on purpose of course. The issue was the right one, it turns out, and we spent our whole session on it. Writing it down first helped me focus.I know what you mean about the consequences of pushing on. That fear is with me also in therapy, where I know, if I get into certain things I will be hit by very difficult feelings later. I think the trick is figuring out when to push and when to be gentle with ourselves. Cheers!

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