Today I am going back for a second session of therapy. I want to jot down quickly what I want to do, so I don’t forget as usual.
I’m really tired today, so things are a challenge. I overdid the physical activity yesterday, and I always seem to have to pay for that with interrupted and tense sleep. Nice day yesterday though – I walked to a friend’s to pick up a pass to the art gallery we bought togehter, and had a tea and a chat. Walked back and bought a shovel, as my walks are not being cleared. Shoveled the walk and drive when I got home.
Then off to the art gallery with a friend, so that was another few hours on my feet. Then out to dinner, and a walk half way back home. Way too much. I felt that I was getting really stressed after about an hour at the gallery, but instead of making plans to end the outing and relax at home, I automatically concentrated on continuing with our plans and spending time with my friend. By the time I got home I was kind of dissociated, and couldn’t sleep. Sigh.
It’s so difficult to tune into myself and take care of myself, instead of doing this coping thing in order to continue, and then paying the price later. However, that’s what I want to learn to do. I know I can’t do a lot of physical activity without dissociating – I need to keep it gentle. It’s hard – I want to be like everybody else.
Today I am working from home, and there is not a lot of work, so it is an easy day.
At therapy, I want to talk about my anxiety about seeing this therapist, and that it is a familiar feeling to me. And how distressed I become when he doesn’t reply to my email, even though it is only about changing an appointment.
Also, because we are having trouble finding appointments, I want to schedule the next ones right at the start of the session. He seems to become irritated with trying to schedule appointments – that’s clearly a part of his job Ron doesn’t enjoy. I haven’t really had this problem with other therapists – it’s kind of interesting that it’s such an issue with this one. So if we use my session time to tackle this, instead of taking time at the end to discuss, at least I won’t feel like I’m taking his time.
It’s as if all Ron’s responses to me are super important to me, which I know is silly. However, unfortunately that’s how I feel at the moment.
I think anxiety about talking to him is enough of a topic. I’m not getting into the other troubles of my life until I have handled this one. It seems like for whatever reason the stakes are high for me with this individual. And talking about other painful topics is too much when I’m kind of afraid of the person.