Phew

Phew, Christmas is over! I swiped that phrase from a fellow PTSD blog post title, and it just says it all for me too. On the 24th, I went to Xmas dinner at the parents’. I don’t think I’ll go again next year. That will be a big insult, unless I have some great excuse, which I’m unlikely to have. But why do I have to do something over and over which is not good for me?

First I am down anyway at Christmas. It just occured to me this year that likely this holiday is an aniversery of abuse for me. I cannot remember specifically, but holidays would be when this relative who abused would have had access to me, as we always saw these relatives at Christmas time. So that may be one source of my general distress. I cannot say this for sure though.

At my family’s, also I can’t say for sure why I have such a bad depressing time. It seems to me my sister and brother collude in looking down on me…I wish to help with the enormously complicated dinner, as they are, but am never trusted to do anything correctly…While they saute and peel and chop, I sit and drink wine…It’s very hard to explain. In my family, everything happens in silence – people are looked down on, not spoken to much…It’s not like outright fighting, more like strange silent warfare where you don’t know what the f is going on, ever.

Anyway, it’s over. I wish somehow I can escape this trap next year.

In the new year, I wanted to take this blog in a more positive direction, and here I am, sniping again at my family. Sigh. If I try to be positive, I fall silent. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all…family motto. Very convenient for them.

Today I bought myself a few new clothes for work. My winter wardrobe is terribly sparse. Plus I need a lot of light cotton type clothes, as I tend to anxiously sweat. Plus, image is important in the corporate world. I’m trying to upgrade a bit. I also want to get more stylish glasses. The ones I’m wearing are old and woefully outdated. So today I looked at some frames. First though, I need to find an optometrist and get a prescription.

And lastly, I want to once again find a therapist. This time I intend to look harder and interview at least three people. Maybe four or five. I don’t know many people, and almost no one I could ask about therapists. The people I know through groups have psychiatrists, as they’re covered by insurance, and they seem to be on meds and on disability for life. No thanks.  So I am using the internet to scout T’s with a web presence. Likely very good T’s do not have sites, but what can I do – how can I find them then?

I do have a recommendation from one friend who is in therapy herself for a Reiki therapist. This is some sort of Buddhist energy therapy. I’ve made myself an appointment for late January. She seems busy and couldn’t fit me in right away, which seems positive. Maybe I should look for T’s with waiting lists, as they are more sought after? lol

I’m going to do another post on what I’m looking for in a therapist, and look a bit at what keeps going wrong for me where therapy does a complete nosedive, and I bail out. Might be good to be a little more introspective about this situation.

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5 comments
  1. Hello Shy and BlueHere is my not so shy opinion.. I grew up believing that if I had nothing nice to say to be quiet, but I had to change my definition of "positive". My family (of origin) sounds much like yours, and that system made me pretty sick. So I started to speak what I NEEDED to speak and well, if you have read my blog (and I see by the side bar that you have) then you know that I say what I want now. Hard to believe that I was once shy and blue too! (I had another blog a few years ago that I was actually afriad someone would find!) Oh.. I am not trying to scare you, lol.. I'm just trying to encourage you. Don't stay silent. I'm glad I came accross your blog today, I like your writing style. Hugs, Darlene

  2. Ellen said:

    Thanks Darlene. Yes, I've been reading your thought provoking posts and the huge discussions they are generating. Interesting you have a similar family dynamic…I hadn't thought of actually saying what I want to my family, but it's a thought, especially about smaller things. Hope for the future then. Lovely to meet you.

  3. Nechtan said:

    Hi Ellen,I do think you have to be honest with them next year and if you feel its going to be a problem say that to them. Easier said than done I know when people don't understand. God knows I've tried explaining it so many times and spent a night of restless sleep three days ago in anticipation of telling my parents not to visit because I wasn't up to it- something they also take as a personal affront. And it does sound like in your family there can be no showing of weakness or it is attacked from all sides. So I guess you have to decide yourself whether you want to accept that or take your own stance. Well ultimately do what is best for you because really in this short life that is what is important. There has to be some sort of balance. Your needs are at the very least as important as their own. Its difficult because upbringing and society in general tells us that is selfish but sometimes we have to look beyond that and into ourselves and see what the trade off is, whether it is worth it.Phew here too. Can't be more happy to see the back of this period and the new year. Be glad to get back to abnormality to be honest.All the bestNechtan

  4. diver said:

    "… why do I have to do something over and over which is not good for me?"It's a dilemma alright. Maybe you're just a nice person at heart who doesn't want to hurt others' feelings, if even your own take a battering in the process? Huh, I guess sometimes we're damned if we do … or otherwise.Nice one from Nechtan : "glad to get back to abnormality" … amen to that!

  5. Ellen said:

    @ Nechtan – yeah, here's to a return to normal abnormaity! Families are tricky, even good ones. With the painful kind, it's just worse. What can I say. Thanks for the comment.@ diver – so I'll infer your writing arm is on the mend then diver? that's really good. Naw, I wouldn't say I'm nice, but thanks. šŸ™‚

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