Still needing to keep the blog alive. Things are kind of difficult, but not the worst they’ve been either. I had another dental appointment Friday afternoon, and it’s taken me a few days to get over it. This one was worse again than the last, which I had kind of sailed through.
The dentist is fine – she’s an older person, very calm and polite, and in no way triggering to me. It’s just the mouth stuff – it brings on flashbacks to something I can’t really remember. Half way through Saturday, curled under my covers, I remembered my strategy of telling myself that my feelings are valid, but they are memories from the past. That started to help some.
I think before, I used to try and feel the feelings, in the belief that once I did so, they’d stop coming back. But that doesn’t happen. They keep coming back. So at the moment, the plan is to have them subside again as quickly as possible, and reminding myself that they are from the past, and that nothing bad is happening to me in the present, does help.
Adding to my woes, my landlord (my ex husband) is on a renovation kick. He loves renovating, and at the moment the weather is especially good. So at any moment, any peace I have can be shattered by the sounds of power saws, hammers, and sanders. Also he is climbing around the outside of the place, and then peers in my windows. At least it feels like he does that. This kind of stuff just shatters me. When there is no peace to escape to, when my home is a construction site – I find that very very difficult.
Luckily I will be moving end of month.
I went to the new place today. I’d only seen it for maybe 15 minutes and rented it on the spot previously. It turns out, it is quite small. Which makes it seem cute, and it is, but it is very small. So pretty well all of my furniture is too big to fit, it turns out. Even my bookshelves – the ceilings start sloping after four feet, so I’ll need new low furniture.
Well…I haven’t been able to pull myself together enough to pack. Though cleaning and cooking are happening, which is good. All in all a tense time. Next weekend I will have to pack, and start throwing things out. A good opportunity (necessity) to edit my belongings.
One thing though – the deck is quite a bit bigger than I remembered it. It’s like having an extra outdoor room. It will be lovely in the summer. I’m trying to see the move as an opportunity to make a fresh start, as recommended by some of my dear readers. It’s easy to see the problems in the way, but overall, I am glad I’m moving….it’s a step in a good direction.