I found a place! I signed the lease, now it’s just a credit check and employment reference and a few other details…I move on November 1.
The place is nice – I just saw it today, and took it on the spot. It is on the top floor of a house, near the subway, with a nice balcony looking into greenery. The place has skylights! And a big curved window out the front, and a sliding glass door to a balcony off the back. It’s close to the subway, so I don’t have to take a bus to get to the subway….
The landlady seems OK. She lives in the second floor, while I have the third. She reminds me a bit of one of my German aunts, one who died last year. She seems eastern European, and has a house full of fussy decorations and such. But my place is nice and decoration free!
I have been much less troubled by flashback type feelings than last weekend. Probably because I backed off the apartment hunting and just did quiet stuff at home. Until this afternoon, when I saw only one place and it was pretty well perfect!
This is a secret, but I actually asked God to take care of it. I couldn’t stop worrying about some places I’d seen and liked but hadn’t taken for one reason or another. And I felt I couldn’t face looking at more bad places either. So I put it in God’s hands.
I’m actually not much of a believer, but have been going to 12 step meetings…and try to remember what they say when the going gets tough. Well, one slogan is Let go and let God! And the third step is “Made a decision to turn our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.”
The main idea I’ve taken from all this is that whatever God may be, I am not her…(and so have others). There are just a lot of things I am not in charge of, and might as well stop worrying about.
It’s kind of interesting that when I did this, bang, I found a good place.
I am of course worried, God or no God. The rent is not excessive, but rents in the city are high. I must stay employed with small gaps only between contracts.
I’ve been worried that I am not doing well at work, because of these issues I’ve had with my co-worker. I didn’t control my feelings as well as I should have. Because we worked so so closely together, debating every word and every sentence, the stress of this irritated me unbearably.
Because his competency or lack thereof is none of my business, and I know that. And I do not wish him any harm. I find it difficult to keep my opinions about my work to myself….But my top priority is now not ever letting irritation show. No matter if he is acting very badly or not – what people notice and remember is the interaction, if it is not smooth. They don’t know what is actually going on.
I know part of the irritation is PTSD related. So I must must must keep my temper. If something upsets me, my new plan is to take a break and remove myself from the situation as fast as possible. Bathroom break, tea break, urgent call I need to make…These will all do to give me a chance to calm down and see the bigger picture, which is keeping relationships going well.
So I have a place with market rent. Now I need to get on top of being a good person at work, buttering up and chatting to people, so I am in no danger of losing the contract. People skills – here I come.