Apartments and a difficult day

There’s a post lurking in here somewhere, and it’s up to me to let it out! Ahem….here’s hoping.

I’m obsessed with apartments at present. At least with searching and clicking through the postings on the internet. Actually calling and going to see them is harder. Yesterday I saw three more, none great. Today I just couldn’t face any more apartment hunting, so gave myself a break and stayed home.

Today I am eating a lot of chocolate. Lindt dark chocolate with orange and almonds – yum. But I want to eat a piece or two, not the whole bar!

Today is a dark and stormy day for unknown reasons. That’s PTSD for you I suppose. I get all these stormy emotions without a story. I just don’t know what the problem is. I try and push through for a while, then give up. I lie down for a while, for an hour, can’t sleep, so get back up. I force myself to take a walk (part of my anti-depression regime). I go to the grocery store.

Yesterday by contrast was good. I’d slept really well, got up when I woke up, and got quite a bit done. None of these dark choking type feelings yesterday.

I’m trying to keep it all together anyway – laundry is done, the floors swept, groceries in the fridge, ready for the work week. I’m hoping if I just rest and try to accept the feelings, tomorrow will be better.

I suspect also the stress of trying to decide on an apartment is triggering the flashbacky feelings. I really stress, trying to decide if a place is right. So many factors to consider – is the location close to transit and downtown, is it quiet, is there a balcony, is it on a quiet street, is the price reasonable, is there laundry…

If I was making more money, I could have everything I’d like. Not that I’m earning badly either. But the city is expensive, and I’ll pay a premium for the privilege of living downtown.

Today has been kind of a lost day….one more day lost to dealing with PTSD.

I told my therapist at my last session I didn’t feel I was making much progress. She said she doesn’t think we have the tools in place yet to do much processing. Well then teach me the tools, I think but don’t say. She’s moving at a glacial pace, and it’s costing me a lot. She started chatting in the middle of my session last week, when I didn’t know how to continue, and it got irritating very very fast. I’m not paying a fortune to have someone to chat with.

She did say that I’d kind of shut down a couple times when we had been discussing my past or my family, and that it had made her feel she had to be really careful. Well, I think it’s her job to keep going at some pace at least. I want to get better. I feel I have to keep pushing her to do something in the therapy, to make it more than a ‘rent a friend’ session. It’s true though she is not doing any damage. She is very cautious I suppose.

Well, I continue grateful to have a decent contract, and to have the money to be able to think of my own fairly expensive apartment. With a balcony.

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5 comments
  1. Hey, thanks for visiting my blog recently and leaving a comment. Sorry it took so long to get back around here to check out yours. I appreciate your sharing here and I hope to get back sooner rather than later. The fall is just a very triggery trauma anniversary-type time for me and I'm a little slow at the moment. 😛

  2. Sometimes think it's hard to try and find a balance in therapy. Between moving forward and making sure that you are safe in that moving. It can be frustrating for sure.

  3. Ellen, tell your therapist what you've been thinking. It's your money and your time.

  4. nurseconverse said:

    I'd agree with Jill, if you're feeling frustrated with the pace then you're focussing on that rather than on anything else, basically a waste of your money and time.

  5. Ellen said:

    @ Marj – Nice to see you here Marj, thanks for the comment! Your post on dentists really hit home for me, unfortunately. Hope the fall misery lightens for you soon.@lost – That's exactly the dilemma isn't it… thx@Jill – I did broach the subject, but will do so again I think. It is my money and my life, isn't it. Nice to meet you Jill and thanks for commenting.@nurse – I do find myself irritated by this therapist quite a bit. But then, I am irritated with many people….I'll probably bring it up again. Thx for the comment!

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