Men – the strangeness of

The question of men is coming up for me quite a bit recently. I mostly accept my life as a single woman, I enjoy the freedom I have to go my own way. But that’s a whole area of life that is not easily denied altogether, and so it rises up to bite me every so often.

Once is the issue I’m having at my group, discussed in my previous post, that is kind of weird and anxiety provoking. Then today, I went out with some friends I met at a social group I used to go to. We had a nice time, saw a really good movie (an Argentinian film, The Secret in their Eyes) and went for cappucino after. Everything was great. So we start talking about movies we might see, and the attractive grey-eyed young man on my right says, I’d love to see Toy Story 3. Oh, I’d see that, I say without thinking. So his eyes kind of glaze over and he says oh? in this dismissive voice.

Now I wasn’t looking for a date. I turned to the young woman on my other side, started talking to her, and we decided we might see Toy Story 3 together. So this young man pops in and says, oh, count me in.

I guess I felt kind of offended. As if he thought I was trying to go out with him when I said I’d go see that movie. Which I wasn’t. I would assume others were going also.  One, he’s too young. Two, I know how I look, and it’s nothing special on a good day. Which is OK, we can’t all have every gift…. Though hey, I’m not fat. I have breasts even. But beauty, well, not so much.
But can’t he get over himself?

I guess the kicker is, we get on quite well. He’s interesting when he’s not being arrogant. Doesn’t mean this middle aged woman is after his body and he needs to defend himself.

I just feel these things wouldn’t happen to me if I had a man in the background everyone knew about. Or if I was gay. Or something. Or if I was fabulously beautiful, or amazingly rich, or had wonderful taste in clothes. Or if I was simply someone else altogether.

Art: William James Glackens, Woman with Poodle

  1. It's complicated!Men in general cannot read women very well so we think instead. Men don't have the emotional bandwidth of women and that means we rely much more on words.Recently I've become friends with an older woman and I've met her for coffee.When we met I made clear that I was doing it as a GBF (Gay Best Friend). It was already clear to her but even so I needed to say it.Straight men can be a GBF – it just means we want a friend without any other connotations. Men see Cougars everywhere becasue we all like to believe that we are irresistible despite the overwhelming evidence šŸ™‚ So if the two of you want to go to the same movie you could just make clear to the guy that you'd like some company and he'd just be your GBF for the day. That'll take the pressure off him and help him to relax. You could also lie. "I'm gay" or I only go for older men" or whatever. Just something to make clear "I'm not a cougar". "I'm not interestd in you" will not help!!!Outside of the movie if you treat him like a man would treat him – no phone calls, texts or emails – then all will be fine.Play it by ear but just remember men are stupid and don't do emotions.

  2. Paula said:

    I am born with a hip swing all models have to train for: Whether high heels or trekking boots this swing is there; All man think I want something . NO, all I want is a coffee and I am off to my life. However the language between men and women isnt easy. Yet I try to learn that they not only speak a different language altogteher yet they may have major issues themselves. which I may trigger without knowing it. Hope you enjoy yje movie tough. Huga nd love from somewhere in France; this pilgrimahe is taking all of me; So I cant stop by so often;

  3. Nechtan said:

    Hi Ellen,I think its important to remember that everyone reacts to situations different. Some men and women have problems communicating with the opposite sex. I know I am not best on that front but know people who are quite at peace with it. In fact I remember one time buying a DVD in a shop and the assistant asked me if I had seen 'Ms Congeniality' When I hadn't seen it she said she's love to see it at the cinema. Me being the way I am got a bit red faced, stuttery and left quickly. The poor girl probably didn't mean it in the way I took it.What I mean is the young man might have just been caught off guard and wasn't able to deal with the situation. I know a lot of guys, myself included, that feel awkward very easily.All the bestNechtan

  4. Ellen said:

    Thanks dear commenters and sorry for the delay responding.@Mike – That's good advice from down in the trenches Mike! I told this yesterday as more of a lighthearted story and my friend just laughed – what if you were a cougar? so what? she said. It's not so serious I think. But I will not contact this guy for any reason, even if I go to Toy Story 3, as he seems touchy. I do have straight and also gay male friends actually, and it's just obvious that we're not dating. I've never had to spell it out. Thanks for the comment from the male perspective.@Paula – I hope you keep walking any way that feels good to you Paula! Thanks for the support, and my thoughts are with you on your pilgrimage.@Nechtan – Yep, that woman probably didn't find you quite so irresistible as you thought. But I understand what it is to feel surprised and awkward, and no harm done. I'm more aware now that movies have that 'date' connotation, and not to talk to men about them without thinking. Maybe the trick is though to just not care too much about all this kind of stuff, which is just misunderstandings really. Cheers

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