Just back from work. I feel a kind of despair. Although a lot of good and vital things are actually going on in my life, and I hope to post about them also. But right now, I feel despair.
Work brings on so much anxiety for me. I am not accepted, I don’t have a friend there. Actually, having one friend there would make all the difference to me. But that I don’t have.
I had an interesting project, but it was felt I suppose that I wasn’t doing well, though I’d barely begun it, so that was given to a more senior full-time person to do. This is the same IT woman who was giving me work and being quite friendly. Well, she kept me on the project, but has been really disparaging of what I’d done so far. Today there was a meeting on it, and everything I said, which wasn’t a whole lot, but any comment I made or question I asked, she kind of shot down as if I was an idiot. Ouch. That hurt. Then the admin assistant would say the same thing I had, but spent ten minutes doing so, and that was fine, she was listened to carefully.
In general, I do not do well at work. It’s odd, because I did well in school, academically at least. My writing was praised quite a bit. But at work, in many jobs, I come across as not very good. It’s likely more to do with an anxious approach than my actual skills. So much is judged very fast at work – oh, this person is great, this person is crap, on so little evidence. Just appearances.
Though of course it’s also possible that I am simply not much good at what I do.
I can trace this kind of thing back to my family. Not to make excuses, but to try and understand what goes wrong, and maybe get some distance from the whole scenario. My father was an academic, the first in his family even to get to university, never mind earning a doctorate. A lot of his value to himself is his brains, which makes sense I suppose.
Anyway, as kids, we were always encouraged to be extremely smart. We weren’t much critiqued on our appearance or our manners, but brains was where it was at. There’s nothing that wrong with having intelligence as your main value perhaps. But my father was insecure, so he always had to win debates among us. Of course, the ten year old child I was could not match wits with a grown adult with many years of education, and win. But wasn’t his job to encourage? He didn’t do that. Instead, he felt he had to show how smart he was in debating things with us and beating us down.
This backfires as a child raising technique. I just became very anxious any time I had a thought and expressed it.
So now, any time at work there is something to think about, if I speak up about something, I’m attacked with massive anxiety.
Most would just not talk in this situation. However, that’s not my personality. So I somehow feel I must say what I know, and then am attacked from within by anxious feelings. At which point I’m trying to dampen down those feelings, and keep up whatever conversation there is. Which makes whatever I say a kind of anxious mess. Which makes people respond badly to me.
Oh, who knows. This is what it seems like to me.
I just don’t want to be disliked anymore.
I will post soon on some more encouraging aspects of my life. Just right now, after work, I can’t.