Very tired, as I woke up every two hours last night. At least I was able to get back to sleep, is the good part I suppose.
I’ve been working on sorting out which of my feelings come straight from my past, with nothing much to do with my present circumstances. With PTSD, that would be a good many of them, epspecially the ones on the negative end of the spectrum. I had an odd weekend, where I would be in a kind of lethargic despair for several hours at home, but able to get it together and function once I went out. I had to go and buy some summer clothes, as most of my old ones don’t fit. All those heavy PTSD feelings pressed down on me at home. Once I got myself out the door though, out among people doing ordinary things, I became ordinary myself and got down to some shopping. It’s like I clicked into a totally different state.
Once I got home from shopping, bam, back to the depression and crushing fatigue. I was due to go to a party at 6, but just could not get going to go until after seven. It seemed literally impossible. Once I got to the party, I again snapped out of it, was able to chat and eventually even relax, and I stayed until after midnight.
Sunday was similar, with short social occasions interspersed with crushing fatigue and the feeling that something bad was happening to me. But then, I went out to a small barbecue, and again was able to be friendly and pleasant for an hour or two.
The result is, I still have a social life, but my house is a mess, because when I get home, I collapse.
To be fair to myself, there is an awful lot to take care of on the weekends, as I get little done during the week. And I did the essentials, which are laundry and food. I would like to also have a cleaned up house, but must take what I can get.
I am happy that I have a social life – I don’t feel that huge loss of connection to people that I have felt in the past. Being with people who are decent is healing I’m sure.