A good day today — our Victoria Day, so a holiday Monday. I don’t get paid for it, but I do get to enjoy it. We have perfect weather for our holiday, maybe a little too warm, but very cheery overall. And I woke up in a fairly good mood. I’ve been getting a lot of rest, and careful to do nothing triggering – no long walks (but lots of shortish ones), no violent movies, nothing too too difficult. And in the end, I am feeling better than I have in a while.
This morning I phoned a friend and we went for a walk down by the lake. If you get there before noon, there is something fresh and magical about the light down there. And all the people are still relaxed, the kids are still happy, things are good. By 2 I was back at home, to read my mystery, waste time, do laundry, and in the end, cook some aspargus and eggs. Aspargus just tastes like spring to me. And I simmered it in my large wide pan, instead of zapping in the microwave, which makes it taste better I think. Add a little butter and lemon…ah…..
Shall I do a complete update on my life? Perhaps
Work is slightly better. I have a project, and am not ignored quite so much. The key is interacting with a few people outside of my immediate team. If that goes well, my teammates start treating me a bit better. Yes, I am left out when the women organize a special lunch trip to the gluten-free bakery. Nor am I asked to go along on the little walk after the long meeting. I meet my two teammates outside, as I didn’t know they were there, and I always take a little stroll down the driveway in the afternoon. This particular afternoon I stroll down, and there are my two team-mates, just turning at the end of the drive. The man has the grace to blush when he sees me, but I don’t care. I make a joke that they’re trespassing on ‘my driveway’ and walk on by them.
I no longer try and be included. I just listen to my music, talk a bit to others, and let them be.
On the home front, things have been stormy. I live in an unusual situation, as my landlord is my ex husband. When we split, he split our house into two self-contained apartments (he’s an architect). This was a bad idea, but at the time, it seemed OK. It made sharing childcare easier, and as I had no work at that time, it was OK for me not to pay rent right at first.
Now I pay rent, but reduced from the market rate. It kind of works out, but sometimes not. Now is a ‘not’ kind of a time.
I don’t get on with my son, who is now 21. Though we get along much better by phone now than we did living together. My son is a bully. He picked sides, and he picked his dad’s side, and blames me for everything. So he was basically a nightmare to live with for me. He is bigger than I am, and can push me around. Not that he physically does that, though once he veered in that direction.
Anyway, he hasn’t found a job for the summer (he goes to uni in a different city), so now wishes to move back with his dad and work for his dad on renovations, getting paid of course. Because our apartments are in the same house, he tends to live in mine, and just go to his dad’s to sleep. I clean up you see, and his dad, not so much. Also, I tend to have food here. And he prefers my couch and computer.
He tends to be up all night and sleep during the day. So he ends up waking me (I wake up at the slightest noise).
I don’t want him here.
After much anger and back and forth, we’ve reached the compromise that he will stay at my parents’ house and my ex will pick him up and bring him to the house each day. I wonder how long that will last.
I know I should not be living here. But I’ve had such financial struggles. And if I keep earning as at present, I may be able to save enough to buy something of my own in a year or so – a small condo perhaps.
I had no one to help me when we seperated, and I didn’t realize I was entitled to be bought out of the house. If I had, I could have bought something small for myself, and left entirely. Though at that point I would have had to have made room for my son also, so it could not have been that small.
My son has good points – he is a talented artist, he is smart and pretty good looking I think, but then, I’m his mother. But I know I cannot live with him. I see no signs that he’s changed.
Oh dear. Serves me right for not moving on properly. But if I can hang on here for another year, keep this contract, then get another good one, I will be in so much better shape financially.
What to do, what to do….This has just happened in the last few days. I am hoping that somehow someway this arrangement with him staying with his grandparents will work out. I can find another apartment, but that would take a few weeks.
I get incredibly stressed when my boundaries are not respected. And my son does not respect boundaries. He’s never followed rules, he doesn’t understand that sometimes I simply cannot deal, but must have time alone. Similar to his dad in many ways, but his dad is a grown-up, and my son remains a child.
In other news, I have also begun attending a support group called Emotions Anonymous. It follow the twelve steps, similar to AA. About a third of the time is spent on reading about a particular step, then people can ‘share’ if they wish. People talk, are listened to, and silently accepted, but what they say is never responded to. Anyway, so far I’ve gone once, but I quite liked it. I like that there’s a program for getting better – the clear aim is to get better, which is not the case with all support groups. Some are simply maintenance, keeping people on an even keel it seems.
I immediately bought and read their ‘blue book’ and I’m going to keep going for a while anyway.
Oh, and I thought I’d add a note as to my ‘label’ or diagnosis, or whatever, of PTSD. I have PTSD stemming from sexual abuse that occured when I was a very young child, from which I have flashbacks and a lot of trouble sleeping. The abuser was a family relative.
I’m not working on this at present, as other issues are at the fore. But I just thought, anyone following my story might be wondering why I say I have PTSD. My immediate family didn’t cause it – though they didn’t help either.
So I went from a sunny day to some not-so-great stuff. But the odd thing is, I’m not feeling too too bad about all this at present. My symptoms are not bothering me, and I seen to have a reservoir of cheer to draw on for the present.
I do not know what the next days will bring, so I’ll enjoy today. One of the EA maxims – giving up control of what we cannot control and finding tiny bits of peace and enjoyment.