Perhaps a very fast update. Today I medicated at work, and it helped quite a bit. I went in without having been able to sleep enough, and my anxiety was sky high. Plus edges of flashbacks were brushing against my mind. And all my worries about co-workers. I really didn’t see how I would make it through the day, so I took half a tablet of medication and within half and hour felt quite a bit better.
It’s still hard. I no longer think P is a psychopath. I think I exagerate. There are problems, because I am shying away from joining in when there are groups chatting. Or say P, who sits right next to me, is chatting with one of ‘her men’, that is the project men that she has made her ‘pets’. Well, anyway, that she chats with. I always assume their chat has nothing to do with me – they wish to talk together and I should leave them to it. However, maybe they see this as stand-offish. I could throw in some comments if I can think of some.
These two men are actually quite shy and not that at ease with others in the group. One is our supervisor, though not our boss, and the other is a senior project person. My opinion lately is that these guys do not relate well to women unless they’re really being coddled. And P launches into stories, asks them about their lives, and makes them feel all cozy and comfortable.
These two guys do not respond well to me at all. I was taking it personally until today when I saw them in action in a meeting. A woman from the IT side of the project was presenting a new tool, and she was being very calm and I thought competent and cool. And these two were the most hostile people there. They frowned, they shrugged, they looked at the ground in a pained way. They were sure the new tool would not work.
I just think they cannot handle a woman who is in charge of anything and is not coddling them. Which makes me feel better about the rather rude way they treat me. I’m starting to think it’s not that personal – sure, they may not like me much, as I don’t make them feel warm and cared for, (as I have my own anxiety issues thank you very much), but there’s a bunch of other women they don’t care for either.
Anyway, I continue with greeting people. When P pretends not to hear my hello, I greet her more loudly, saying her name and adding a cheery ‘How are you?’ Then she has to respond. At night, when she wants to brush past me without returning my goodbye, I do a similar manouver, turning to look right at her, and repeating my good wishes. She will recognize that I’m here, damn it.
My being cold to P is not a good strategy, as then I am seen as unfriendly. So I’m trying to make a few comments during the day, or respond to her general comments….Then she does respond to me, as there are others around and she needs to look great.
Well, I have no friend at work. But I phone a friend during my break every day. Sometimes another friend at lunch. So I am not entirely alone.