My life continues to revolve around coping with work. It’s going fairly well still. I’m working the full eight hours, and while I do have real low points, I’m managing to surf past them to safer waters of productivity.
The lows are often to do with tedium. I hate boring work, and have a fear of being boxed in by really stupid, low-value tasks. However, into every job some tedium must fall. I had to update an Excell spreadsheet, comparing tasks with complicated numbers with another document, cutting and pasting to make them match. Drudgery that went on for a day and a half. But I coped. Though it was depressing.
I kind of panic in those situations. My family is a high achieving, aspirational-type family, of which I am a black sheep, who is not achieving. In their view, ordinary jobs are pathetic and a total waste of life. So even though I reject that view, it still permeates my being in some way.
My job can be challenging at times. I am trying to figure out complex documents and make them better without being an expert in the content. Plus there are formatting issues and various computer issues that arise. You do need a certain amount of skill and problem solving ability to do it. But in their eyes, it’s just all unutterably boring and not worth doing.
So when the job deteriorates to more menial tasks, I panic. I think they were right, I wasted my time when I was younger, I should have worked harder and become a brain surgeon or rocket scientist.
Well, it’s too late for that now. And I had too much depression and anxiety in school to go further than I did at that time. It really was the best I could do.
So now I am earning a living, and it’s hard, and it’s good enough. Why should I be ashamed of what I do?
But all these issues play out for me every day at work. One day, hopefully, I’ll be over them. Most people have ordinary jobs, as I do, and it should be OK. I think it is OK. I just need to believe it deep down in my bones. Compared to not working, or working part-time as I was, I am doing fantastically well at the moment.
Note: Posts with photos will resume once I am less tired.