So having a job is pretty good. I did have a lot of worries when I started, but I’m managing quite well all things considered.
I have a forty minute commute (if all goes well, no traffic jams or weather), so every morning at 7:30 finds me hurtling down the highway towards the suburb where the office is located. Those were my first two worries – that I would not be able to get up in the morning, and that the commute would be too difficult.
But, not sleeping well has it’s benefits I guess. I’m often awake around six anyway, and where previously I would have gone back to sleep, now I just get up. My new diet has really really helped me in this regard. I used to eat cereal and have lots of coffee – those are complete no no’s, because they make me fatigued. Now I have my pumpernickel toast with peanut butter and a berry smoothie – lots of protein, few carbs. One tiny tea cup of coffee is allowed. Then I turn on my trusty goLITE for extra wakefulness.
I’m even squeezing in a tiny yoga practice in the morning.
Then I often quite enjoy the commute, especially now that I know where to go. The second day, I got lost, and was half an hour late for work. I often listen to an audio-book, thus avoiding the doleful news of the day. The book is about an Italian restaurant and the family that runs it, and I’m really enjoying it.
Work is quite strict – apparently they keep an eye peeled for being there on time, and sitting at the desk a full eight hours. Lunch is short and unpaid, and any internet usage not for work is strongly frowned upon. It’s head down and do their work, full-time.
I have had problems in the past with my mood at work. I’ve been too tired and depressed to be able to concentrate for hours at a time, or I’ve been anxious. This time, I notice a big difference on the depression front. I’m not that depressed.
I think it’s because of my diet change. No wheat and no caffeine is huge. I was trying to prop myself up with caffeine in the past – big mistake. That just leads to energy spikes and crashes all day long. Also, snacks of carrot sticks, nuts and dried fruit, and regular fruit. That’s all. Then salad for lunch. This is key I think. I used to desperately need a nap after lunch, but no more. It’s all about the food, IMO. It’s actually an amazing difference.
Becuase I’m seeing such a difference, I’m motivated to keep at this diet. I’m as tempted as anyone else by a nice fluffy muffin with a fragrant cup of java as mid-morning treat – but I know if I have that, I’ll feel bad for the rest of the day. That’s a big motivator. It’s nothing to do with ‘being good’ or even ‘being healthy’ in any abstract way.
Co-workers seem decent so far. One is kind of bossy, but also helpful. The other is an introvert, which is fine by me.
I am having a lot of anxiety at work. A problem that I have is that my system is primed to react with massive stress to almost anything. That’s the PTSD in action. So for instance, I was thrown a document my third day there, and it had a tight deadline, and I had to format it using a very complex template with fields and headers and footers that were complex, with a lot of stuff I didn’t yet understand. So trying to do this, really fast, before I understood what was going on, and having to ask for help all the time, threw me into a state of anxiety where I just never calmed down all day long.
I am very prone to that, as a I said. My system over-reacts. Then when I have to ask for help, or interact with people, I know I don’t come across well. I likely seem over-emotional. But, I do know it’s a problem, and I’m working on calming down. But what can happen, is people can start judging me as stupid or incompetent, when I’m not.
So that’s a problem. I am working on it. It’s very difficult, like trying to tame a run-a-way horse. But I bet it can be done. The trick is to keep pumping out good work, so I won’t be judged too harshly for my lapses.
I also grab ten minutes every afternoon to take a ‘walk’ – which means I stroll out across the parking lots to the field, then back to the highway, then scurry back into the warmth inside. I feel I need to get some sunlight- it’s pretty well dark by the time I get home. There are no official breaks, but I feel that my ten minutes is OK.
All in all, it’s good to have work. I’ve got structure to my day, which I desperately needed, some people to interact with, and no money worries for the present. Pretty decent.
Picture: Neighbourhood roses in November